Thread: Scrutiny Breeds Mutiny (Mild Language)

Dear Higurro, Many thanks, kind sir, for your more than generous words. I'm blushing here. I'm so happy you like the title, and that you get exactly what I was going for. Thrilled the twist worked, how I love them. I'm always worried that my stuff is too out there when I write pieces like that, you've duly quelled my worry this time out, thanks so much again.


Dear Jessie, Thanks so much, love. I'm a sound junkie and alliteration, assonance, consonance and rhymes, internal or end, are my drugs. As you can see, I get high a lot. Lol. Elated you enjoyed, love, and good luck with internal rhyme journey.

Best always,
Lisa

Heh, this is a bit Plathian. Reminds me of her poem "Mirror." And the rhyming has that playful "Daddy" feel to it as well. I like this. But it wouldn't be a Bachelorette crit without a nit or two, yeah?

Originally Posted by Chester's Daughter

Today a stranger stared at me
peering with ferocity
on a quest
for a lass she knew,

Any particular reason why you used the word "lass"? It's just an odd choice, standing out when it doesn't need to. Consider "girl" instead.

Taken aback,
and now staring back,
I whispered "Screw you",
spun on heel with zeal
to give her a rear view,
plum-faced and screaming,
"You know what you can do!".

Then I threw my shoe

Why is this line separated from the others? You're placing too much emphasis on something that doesn't need that much emphasis. But, it's just IMO.

shattering the stranger
whose bones still hang
from my closet door.

A rather chilling image for what up until now has been a playfully angry poem. I like the contrast though, like it a lot, in fact.

The gal that bitch
was looking for
is gone
forevermore.

Heh, is it wrong that this last bit amused me, even as it made feel sad for the narrator?

Hello, love, great to have you back, I've missed you. I've only read two pieces by Plath, Daddy and Aftermath, I've been meaning to read more, just haven't gotten to it yet. Nevertheless, I'm tickled pink for the comparison. Initially it was girl, but just before posting, I switched it to lass, for two reasons, mainly for the sibilance, but also because I thought lass fit better with quest. Initially, the shoe line was part of S3, but my gut said it was better with the pause on either end. Lousy reasoning on both counts, but when my gut talks, I listen. Sometimes it tells lies, lol. I'm considering removing "with zeal" as per your suggestion, I had wanted to emphasize oomph, but it's probably not necessary. That chill was very intentional, and I am so happy you liked it. Have to thread the seriousness in somewhere, lol. Not wrong to laugh, it's what I hoped for, sad must always be thwarted by laughter. Thanks so much for the benefit of your eyes, love, as always, very astute and helpful observations. Stick around, hon.

Best,
Lisa