Thread: Joyride

I wrote a lot of poetry back in the nineties. This one is quite different from most that I have written, because it's spoken from a youthful point of view, even though I was middle-aged at the time. (Ya, now I'm an old lady!) Guess we never quite lose the young person inside. See what you think.

Joyride

Contentment coasts...

A silver-gray sedan,
sensible, dependable,
virtually trouble free,
gets you safely
to church on Sundays.
Cruise control comes standard
for an effortless ride.
Solid suspension smooths
the roughness of the road

...and you never feel a thing.

Joy accelerates...

A custom coupe,
without shocks
to dull the ride,
without brakes
to hold me back,
smashes caution signs,
snapping them off
their narrow, rigid posts.
The wheel is in my hands

...and wind caresses my face.

Joy accelerates...

In the dust behind me,
on your way to the bank
in sedate sedans,
you hope with horror
as I near the bend,
all wanting proof that
you got the best deal.
You secretly smile
as I crash and burn

...and flames caress my face.

Contentment coasts...

slowly, smugly, by.
Weary eyes strain
to see in the smoke
evidence of justice served.
Sorry, folks, I'm fine,
slightly sooty, but miles ahead
of where you'll ever be,
for you have no fire
to keep you awake.

...You're falling asleep at the wheel.

copyright © 1993 Phyllis Stewart



Original with caps on each line:
Joyride

Contentment coasts...

A silver-gray sedan,
Sensible, dependable,
Virtually trouble free,
Gets you safely
To church on Sundays.
Cruise control comes standard
For an effortless ride.
Solid suspension smooths
The roughness of the road

...And you never feel a thing.

Joy accelerates...

A custom coupe,
Without shocks
To dull the ride,
Without brakes
To hold me back,
Smashes caution signs,
Snapping them off
Their narrow, rigid posts.
The wheel is in my hands

...And wind caresses my face.

Joy accelerates...

In the dust behind me,
On your way to the bank
In sedate sedans,
You hope with horror
As I near the bend,
All wanting proof that
You got the best deal.
You secretly smile
As I crash and burn

...And flames caress my face.

Contentment coasts...

Slowly, smugly, by.
Weary eyes strain
To see in the smoke
Evidence of justice served.
Sorry, folks, I'm fine.
Slightly sooty, but miles ahead
Of where you'll ever be,
For you have no fire
To keep you awake

...You're falling asleep at the wheel.


copyright © 1993 Phyllis Stewart

I liked it fine, Phyllis.

Keep giving that child within her time to speak.

This is a very clever poem...Well thought out and well written, "you secretly smile as I crash and burn"--love that line! Keep up the good work and I will be watching for more! Good luck--I know just how attached we writers get to our "off spring"...We pour our souls into a piece of work and send it out into a cruel world---at the mercy of of strangers--and hope for the best....Thank you for a wonderful read! Write on! Peace...Jul

I like this a lot. I love the contrast between the "wild" and the "boring." I think the repetition also really worked for this piece, although I think I might switch them so that they alternate. I really liked the imagery in this as well. I think the second stanza was my favorite. I liked the idea of smashing caution signs and how there's this idea that "joy accelerates" as all of this insanity is occuring. Adrenaline. I also really liked the way it ended. A strong last line.

Constructively, I'm having a love-hate relationship with the ellipses. On one hand, I hate them, but that's only because ellipses in poetry is one of my biggest pet peeves. But then again, you've almost shifted my point-of-view on them for this poem. They give me a visual sense of wind in a way. Shifting. Zooming. I think I would be okay with them if maybe there weren't so many?

Anyway, this is a good piece. Really nice work. Looking forward to reading more.

Bay

Bay, thanks for your remarks and input. I wanted to alternate those two lines also, but the poem had to end with "contentment coasts..." since the next line is about the old fogies! Perhaps I will come up with a third starting line for stanza 3, then just have the first repeated at the end. As for the ellipses, I don't use them very often in poems, though I do in casual email, even though I've worked as an editor and do know how to punctuate. It's just laziness. However, I wanted them in this poem for the very reason you stated -- to show movement! So you guessed it.

great fun, very well constructed, and obviously very "you" !

miles ahead
Of where you'll ever be

I like it.

I have to agree with the previous posters, it is a really good piece. I love the way you can picture it all in your mind at each stanza.
I am not really the one to ask for constructive critisism on the analytical side, but you can really tell you've thought about the language and structure used, it all flows really well as a whole.
Great work.

This is excellent, Phyllis. I love that it can be taken both literally and figuratively, which is never easy to pull off. My only nit is the use of caps every line. I know it is a matter of personal preference, but in this particular piece, it hampers the flow in my humble opinion. I enjoyed this tremendously, love. Great stuff.

Best,
Lisa

Originally Posted by Chester's Daughter

This is excellent, Phyllis. I love that it can be taken both literally and figuratively, which is never easy to pull off. My only nit is the use of caps every line. I know it is a matter of personal preference, but in this particular piece, it hampers the flow in my humble opinion. I enjoyed this tremendously, love. Great stuff.

Lisa, thank you. I have been told elsewhere that the caps are annoying. Even though they follow the rule I learned, and taught, decades ago, I know that things change. From now on I am breaking that old rule and only putting caps where they are needed in sentences, not at the beginning of lines. I have edited this one and like it better now. Too bad it appeared in the Oct newsletter all cappy! But at least future works will read more smoothly. My newest, Blackberry Morning, here somewhere, is done without all those caps, and already I'm liking the style better. So thanks again to you and Jul and others who have told me that it was annoying. Thanks for speaking up!

I liked the poem a lot, thought it had some very clever progression with the use of the elements "caressing" her/his face and I also thought the alliteration was good and that the short lines helped to keep pace.
I would say watch out for the phrase 'crash and burn' its a bit cliché,
I would also leave out the comma in 'sorry, folks', I just think it would sound better as 'sorry folks' but that's your decision.
But as I said I thought it was a really good poem with some powerful emotions

I like it very much. There is a sense of... carelessness in the young point of view that I am afraid of. That holds me back. That almost produces tremors in my very being. I have never had that vigor, or that strength. As far as the poem goes, it feels like it seems that youth will always accelerate faster, into old age.

Die, thank you for your remarks. As you know, the whole poem is just a metaphor for the contrast between youth and middle age, summed up by “You're falling asleep at the wheel.” I have to agree with you ... it IS scary when you look at youth from an older vantage point.

When I wrote this, I was becoming aware that I had matured in many ways that I never expected. I still feel like a kid inside, as we all do, but my thinking and behavior have gradually evolved toward rational caution. I look back at the wild and crazy things I did in my twenties and even thirties and scare myself!