Thread: The Burning House Beneath Your Feet

Hell opens Its mouth.
Throat,
the tunnel on US-1 highway
echoing flung metal
right out from the showroom.

Count to one hundred
and you’re counting
Emity's chi eating teeth,
as trenchant as
the sour spit of wit,
spewed from a virtuoso drunk,
aimed your way to spoil
the crisp white shirt
you try to fit your bothers into.

Bonfire Pit of Bones,
is the ball of cashmire yarn
your grandmother meant
to be your sweater by September's end.

It smiles,
thirsty for your tears
while you sob,
drinking her sherry,
from the crystal copita
she left to you.

Abaddond's the opium for the brute,
merrily spoon feeding him pabulum
made from your baby secretes.

Remembering your foamy drool,
Its vintage wine;
never pissing on the memory
of your wet child-bed.

Leathery, saddle for a clay pigeon,
It gallops round lawn sprinklers
scortching young green blades
for the grim gaiety.

Hell never gets lonely
for It's had trillions of bed mates
to rough up
beneath canopy of coal.

Yet It yearns for one.

Heaven laughs
to point of tears,
reigning over
Hades' Home.


　
　
　
　
　
　

This is a very dark poem--parts of it is waaaay over my head...Those parts I am absolutely certain, come from a bad --bad place that you know personally. Brilliant stanza #8, I felt a connection there.The last 4 lines wrapped up the poem and brought it to a satisfying conclusion ...I am enthralled with your style and panache, you can certainly bend the norm into something bizarre.Or take something bizarre and make it believable ...I feel like I need an interrupter to guide me on this dangerous path. I know there is a lot more here than meets the eye, subtle layers that I am not privy to. Well done. Peace...Jul

Jul, funny - the inspiration. The other night, I had brief thoughts about my recent ex and was inspired to write about hell, personified. (My sense of humour injected, here!)

I am absolutely certain, come from a bad --bad place that you know personally

I guess a little self-analysis is required here. The tone of this piece may have come from poisonous seeds of my life planted in some dark obsure place in my subconscious. But this was really about challenging myself as a writer. A kind of experiment. How to personify hell?

I feel like I need an interrupter to guide me on this dangerous path

First, I'm partly a product of lessons from parocial school and then a Catholic college so I'm familiar with the varied names hell goes by. For instance, "Abaddon". I didn't want to repeat "Hell" and "It" over and over again so pullled out some synonyms out from my hat.

I'll try to break the poem down.

Throat,
the tunnel on US-1 highway
echoing flung metal
right out from the showroom.

If hell had a throat what would it look, sound like? The US-1 highway is one of the most dangerous ones in the country. No surprise that a car accident would occure "echoing flung metal right out of the showroom" So a new car, totaled.
Hell would like this!

Bonfire Pit of Bones,
is the ball of cashmire yarn
your grandmother meant
to be your sweater by September's end.

Hell disquises itself as something dear but incomplete in order to cause pain

Hell never gets lonely
for It's had trillions of bed mates
to rough up
beneath canopy of coal.

Hell (evil) has seduced many "like the brute mentioned" But there is one, not easy target. Hell will never have it over Heaven. He will never have the celestial.

Yet It yearns for one.

Heaven laughs because Hell will never have the ultimate conquest.

The highlighted is the double entandre:

Heaven laughs
to point of tears,
reigning over
Hades' Home.

One could think of "tears, raining" (wet to put out fire of hell)

Now "laughs to point of tears, "reigning"" over Hades' Home."

Heaven will "reign" over Hell, "Hades" home. Hades is the Greek God of the Underworld.

Now, I do write about my own hell in Confessional genre. I don't know if you've read any of them but one is bound to come up soon. They always do.

Yours, Laurie

Very nice....your explanation.I am happy to say I was right on your mark!Brilliant my friend... Peace...Jul

Thank you, Jul, and am so glad I could confirm that your interpretation was on spot! Namaste, Laurie

Thank you for reading and for your ponderings.

Structure is what's missing

If I were writing "classically" I fully agree with much of what you pointed to.

With Free Verse you're allowed much more liberties such as the "mix" you referred to.

There are some enormous themes in here, the mix of Greek, Hebrew, Chinese

The only theme I was concerned with conveying was that of personifying hell. Simple as that.

The beast here is the poets fervent passion and bredth of knowledge.

A bit convoluted, here.

But it seems somehow, in the end, you deemed my piece as being fine poetry so I thank you for the appreciaton.

Laurie

I agree wholeheartedly with Ash. My favorite part would have to be the first stanza (very sharp, direct, shocking), as you later introduce many images that crowd together with no room to breathe. At times this can make it very hard for a simpleminded reader.

Example:
"Leathery, saddle for a clay pigeon,
It gallops round lawn sprinklers"

Perhaps by not giving yourself any boundaries you are limiting your capacity.
OTHERWISE, quite cool

Trides and Ash, I do appreciate the time and thought you've put into your reviews of this piece. Trides, I'm sure you're aware that my work is exclusively written in the Confessional genre and then of that describing The Condition of the Human Spirit.

As I stated above, this piece was about my challenging myself as a writer to personify hell. A large undertaking, though I was anxious to tackle it despite knowing my journey would be way out of my comfort zone. I suppose the operative word here is "anxious" relating to "rush". So Ash, I will now have to agree with you. It could have all been thought out more throroughly.

Ash, your review skills are remarkably brilliant. However, I felt a bit defensive because I picked up on one hit after another until the very end. When I and many members here review an attempt is made to point out, along the way, an aspect of a piece that reviewer finds appealing. It could be as simple as a referrencing a good similie so the author doesn't feel bombarded with the reviewer's perception of the lacking. A "weaving in" of sorts. With that said, I was rather confounded that you ultimately deemed it a fine piece as I read nothing backing it up.

Despite, once my defenses were down, I was able to explore my piece based on your feedback and see the bald spots.

Trides, I do agree with you. I was very pleased with the first stanza. It was "shocking" which is most always my goal when constructing a poem. I go for the haunting. I see that I had just created this one haunt and so the piece was disjointed to begin with.

There is a density of imagery you employ that is not immediately apparent to the reader.

Funny, I suggest to others that they "stand back" from their work and examine it to make sure the audience is taken into consideration. However, I do believe that a bit of a challenge can be stimulating and educational for the reader.

I'll be sticking with what I know best for now. At some point in time, I'll brave it like Lewis and Clark and see what I come up with.

Peace, Laurie

In terms of personification, I think you've certainly succeeded. I agree with ash though about the trenendous scope you
have here. It is a bit overwhelming - a bit jumpy. Then again, I ponder with ash on the legitimacy of this as hell itself must contain the same structure.

What's not in doubt is your language. Goodness - some excellent images - I especially love the crisp, white shirt. You're
exploration of the human condition in metaphoric an abstract terms is as strong as ever. But again - I'd argue for
shorter verse being more appropriate here.

Inspiring as ever, dear friend.

Ripping and shredding a poem is not a helpful critique...rudeness is not a helpful critique...Laurie--if I sounded like I was negative about your poem -forgive me. Poems are intensely personal and should be treated with respect. You are an awesome writer--some of your poems I don't completely understand--but they are intelligently crafted and so thought provoking. I am here to learn--and I am learning from you how to think out side of my little boring box...Peace...Jul

Thank you Glass for such a review, mixed. As with most of our work there is the wanting and then the shining.

I certainly did take on a lion and believe you're correct. I might have begun such a topic with shorter verse. I think I could have made more of an impact, especially as this was kind of a trial write for me.

Really pleased that you liked the image of the "crisp white shirt". My favorite next to the introductory verse.

Glass, I have witnessed your already brilliant writing grow at lightning speed. I count on your insightful feedback.

P.S. I did not have a "beige" day today!

I am here to learn--and I am learning from you how to think out side of my little boring box

Jul, I don't think you have a boring bone in your body. I'm very keen on your stunning works.(I must read your entire triology of "The Dragon." I did comment on one favorably.)

I am here to learn

As am I. And we can only learn from critiques which point to that which needs to be improved and of that which succedes to capture our interest, often promting questions. It's a mixed bag.

With fondness and respect, Laurie

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

P.S. I did not have a "beige" day today!

So glad to hear! Those are always the best.

For certain! And this was surely not a "beige" thread!. But I was thinking, in general, having beige days are really entirely up to us.

I think I get most of this. I clearly saw the hell in the opening stanza. And just love the ending. My very favorite lines are "Hell never gets lonely ... Yet It yearns for one."
Now, I know a clay pigeon is a disk you toss in the air to practice shooting. I also understand the idea of hellfire galloping around lawn sprinklers, but I can't see why you'd saddle up a clay pigeon to do so. What does the clay pigeon signify here? Something false or fake, or more specific than that?