Thread: Terror

Vale of Darkness within my eyes.
Expanse so great and black.
Feelings of permenant separation.
Utter helplessness and hopelessness.
Corrupted mind, and spirit.
A knowledge that darkness was my lot.
Despair without and end to be seen.

Rich in emotion---dark emotion. I love that you kept it short and clean.I felt that way last week---but I took a tiny yellow pill....wish I would have picked up my pen instead....well done. Peace...Jul

OH---that last line---sort of tripped the flow---I would have loved a stronger --more dramatic last line...good work though.

Originally Posted by scott777ab777

Vale of Darkness within my eyes. I like your rhythm here.
Expanse so great and black.
Feelings of permenant separation.
Utter helplessness and hopelessness. These three lines seem way too general. I'm not sure I understand what's going on. What is helplessness and hopelessness? What do your feelings feel like?
Corrupted mind, and spirit.
A knowledge that darkness was my lot. These two lines show the pitfalls of each sentence being its own entity.
Despair without and end to be seen. Despair is very telling. What does despair feel like to you?

This was written about my first experience with death. On Feb 9th of 2009 I died twice that day. Both times had a Near Death Experience. This poem was about the 1st experience.

This was written about my first experience with death. On Feb 9th of 2009 I died twice that day. Both times had a Near Death Experience. This poem was about the 1st experience.

Scott, an experience so overwhelming - so difficult to describe. I'm so glad you're here with us!

I often write Confessionally, as you have, describing my own horrors.

What works for me, the goal being to usher the reader into my experiece, is standing back. Focus on craft first. Catharsis is a byproduct of craft. Don't let it take the lead. It's honing art, if you will, which will allow you to reach your readers while allowing your trials to be validated.

Glass poses a very good question

Despair is very telling. What does despair feel like to you?

Tinker with imagery, similie, metaphor, personification

Maybe rather than writing "Despair without and end to be seen."

You could go with:

"Despair is the black hat I wear, tipped over my face for eternity."

"Despair" is now a photograph, not just a word. We can "see" it. "Feel" what it means to you.

Even though your topic may be dour you can have allot of fun creating a "film."

Here, here! To Scott being here. With affection, Laurie

Removed.

Thank you for your very kind words, and your encouragement.