Thread: my desire to , discontinue being disjoined..

Me 'nd her ain't close..this fact
is what hurts, that we don't even
attend church together, because
she rests during the evening everyday,
and works at night, while im home,holding back
a cry...while i'm home stressed and procrastinating on
studying for tomorrow's pre cal - test.
Instead, i turn on this Dell and play Half-Life,
knowing damn well Gordon Freeman can't help me
formulate the question i could ask her in order
for us to hit it off, before its too late. What can
i do, or say, in order to show that i appreciate
what you have done for me in these seventeen years?
It seems like its been nothing but grinding
each other's gears. All i want to do is get
pass my fears of what she would think of the real me.
But how should she hear it? If i could get this done,
words would not describe the amount of feelings that would come our direction
i need to fulfill this.. small action now because as you know, everybody
only gets one, in a life time... and only one lifetime..

This has good bones--just tighten it up to make it more cohesive and poetic--right now it has the feeling of randomness ---why aren't you and her close? What question are you wanting to ask her? "Words would not describe---ect , all the way to the end---that is a little obscure--and that is keeping me from connecting to this poem. Hope you find my comments helpful--as that was my intention. Peace...Jul