Thread: Cringing Entroduction..

This is the food for thought i want you to digest
some thoughts of my own, that might contaminate your head
after reading this selection, you'll notice that im
a little..depressed...

.
..
...

im writing this in order to express myself.
theres almost no one to talk to, and i need some help.
I have aspirations of being a chef and gaining wealth
but at the same time, this hand of cards that
was delt to me is so.... crappy.

....
.....
......

I swear i havent felt this way yesterday. But
this morning was different. I didnt want to wake, or instead
hope i awake in the vision of another individual who isnt clumpsy
enough to break their mom's table and maker her, angry

...
....
.....

i think i hate my peers. i can barely study my vocab in class
while these idiots still talk about each other's mothers. Maybe idiot
is the incorrect word, but behind me are kids who shout out my mom's name,
and , chat about video games.. then me, im on a higher
interlectual plain that none of them could ever understand....
....
.
"you gotta work with us, Uriah, seriously man"
Hmmmmmm... whatever ,Daisha.



This so so conscious, sad, young man
can't graspy the idea of why we're alive. Emotional,
I am. But don't think the stuff on my mind makes me want
to go on a massacre, similar to Coulumbine. Well, now
that i mention it, do you think i should try?
....
....
....

Of course you would say no to that idea of homicide.
It was a lie, but like i was sayin, each day isnt so
great for me, because i dont know how to live it up. Sleeping
to get away from what i call pain causes me to wake up late.
this is proabably my eighth tardy..
...
.
..Do you feel me? Do these words properly
convey the way im feeling? Do you think
Im crazy, or confused, or both?
.
.
.
.

Nope, im not any of the above. You could think different.
I dont mind your judgements. I wish i could get some love...
Me and megan fell out because that was no longer there.
There wasnt any fuss, but there were no words or any lust left
to express....


this socially retarded boy couldnt process anything to say
in order to connect with this girl who is a Nicki Minaj and Tyler
Perry stan, and didnt understand my hate for Madea, or the artist
i favorite , including Ghostface killah and Elzhi. What a mistake
i made, by dating her twice
.
.
.
......


What a life...? atleast im a live, right?
I didnt commit suicde, and God has blessed us with yet
another day, and i hope this isnt bragging, but he also
blessed me with these rags on my body. And a house to protect
it all, so i respect and thank our lord and countinue on
in a problem filled world in hopes of solutions, and joy to
comfort my mind. and individuals who are worth the time....

That's quite a rant, if I may call it that - over the top honest, like hearing the thoughts of someone when one almost would rather not -

I'm not sure why you put it all in the quote-brackets - cleaning it up and putting it in standard format would do wonders.

I feel for the writer, truly, and was holding on for quite a back and forth ride of emotion through this piece.

Venting angst and adolescent turmoil can be very therapeutic - it can also be very poetic.

If that is what you are after, and I assume that you are, perhaps go through this, clean up the lines, the format, the punctuation, the grammar, cut out the non-essential words, condense your essential thoughts to the fewest words possible, and repost the result.

Think also about who your "you" is, who are you writing/speaking this to? Yourself? A friend? forum members? your mother? I can't tell.

If it was meant ironically, then this is my favorite line in the piece: "im on a higher
interlectual plain that none of them could ever understand...."

Ironic or not, there is some good writing to be found in this piece - polish it and it will shine.

My sympathies are with you, and I hope you find solace in writing and self-expression that you haven't found elsewhere -

---todd

Originally Posted by toddm

Think also about who your "you" is, who are you writing/speaking this to? Yourself? A friend? forum members? your mother? I can't tell.

the reader, audience, who ever is viewing

My favorite bit is "What a mistake
i made, by dating her twice"

Todd's right. Unless the messiness is intentional in order to bring out the "adolescent turmoil," it serves no purpose.

Wow, sweetie, I'm glad you ended on the note you did. I must echo Todd almost to the letter, I was swept away into your world, relentlessly. That is a good thing, but I must agree that some tidying up is in order. I'd be happy to tinker a bit once time permits, but only with your permission. Raw, real, and quite engaging. Hang in there, love, things eventually even out, in the meantime, you're in my prayers. I think I now understand your generous comment in my piece, I'm elated you heard me. Please be well, hon.

Best,
Lisa

I just could not connect with this piece...the chaos was to distracting...you have a few good lines though---cut this down to the BARE essentials of feelings and words. looking forward to reading more. Peace...Jul