Thread: Reverie

At times
something is seen
but not seen
in the sunlight ~

At times
something is heard
but not heard
in the wind-whispering ~

Some voice calling, singing
clear and certain,
yet elusive and hidden ~

At times
wandering feet
venture out
into twilight evening,
single-star evening,
violet-canopy evening,
while silence speaks
loud in the soft air ~

(Boundless heavens,
solid earth,
trees swaying
and shaking between) ~

At times
in the darkness,
heart is thrilled
by soft music
and sweet fragrance,
drifting from afar
upon slight breezes,
with leaves quivering, whispering,
and with stars beyond the clouds
glimmering through the darkened heavens
to bless the darkened earth
with enchanted light ~

Voices singing fair
and children laughing,
birds of glad-song
light and love,
unblemished innocence
smiling faces,
sun on rippling waters
and green green grasses swaying
under trees of glittering leaves
and swelling fruit shining bright
in a kingdom-realm wide and fair
of golden hue and blissful joy ~

And mortal eyes sparkle bright
in the lights of myriad joys
just beyond sight undimming ~

This is classic Todd--and I love it. I love the mysterious quality you have evoked with these gorgeous words...Very well done my friend.No one can write these kind of poems like you...Peace...Jul

Originally Posted by Firemajic

This is classic Todd--and I love it. I love the mysterious quality you have evoked with these gorgeous words...Very well done my friend.No one can write these kind of poems like you...Peace...Jul

goodness, thanks for those kind words! I love that you loved it -
---todd

in a kingdom-realm wide and fair
of golden hue and blissful joy

This is a very beautiful, and wondrous image being conjured; and probably my favourite part of this poem.You are very good at catching this moment of mystifying wonder, and you are very good with your imagery. The only problem I had with this poem was this line:

In the darkness,
heart is thrilled

It doesn't flow very well, and it is slightly awkward to read aloud. I saw from the progression of these lines that the structure of the lines got longer and longer, so I can perhaps see that is the reasoning behind not saying "the heart is thrilled" instead, but I do think it would flow slightly better, in my opinion.

This reminded me of Eden.

Some voice calling, singing
clear and certain,
yet elusive and hidden ~ temptation...

At times
in the darkness, ignorance, in other words
heart is thrilled
by soft music
and sweet fragrance, more temptation
drifting from afar
upon slight breezes,
with leaves quivering, whispering, persuasion
and with stars beyond the clouds
glimmering through the darkened heavens
to bless the darkened earth
with enchanted light ~ knowledge, in other words

unblemished innocence ignorance
smiling faces,
sun on rippling waters
and green green grasses swaying
under trees of glittering leaves garden of Eden
and swelling fruit shining bright apple
of golden hue and blissful joy ~

And mortal eyes sparkle bright adam and eve
in the lights of myriad joys
just beyond sight undimming ~ beyond sight --> out of reach

Certainly beautiful, my friend. Some nice touches in places. I love:

and with stars beyond the clouds
glimmering through the darkened heavens

I think you could cut down on some of the adjectives. It does seem to me there are too many.

Very soothing and perfect in every way.
A lovely melody to it.
I particularly like the one before last Stanza.

Trides--I enjoyed your insight to Todd's poem--very clever...I would never have thought to see it like that...Thanks . Peace...Jul

Originally Posted by AshTheSlash

Hello toddm,

Structurally there is some good craft in this and it holds together well. I particularly liked the repetition of 'evening' in the middle of v4, that worked very well.

thanks for that, I'm glad that part was effective

It begins with a nice hook but unfortunately it gets down later on with quite a lot of cliché, I found my initial interest waning as I began to wade through the latter stages of the poem.

I understand what you are saying - this is an older piece I have dusted off and tweaked - originally it was one long stanza, and I liked it that way until feedback from several readers let me know that it was too long without breaks - so I broke it up into stanzas, and it does work better, but to be honest I haven't been wholly pleased with it, although it has its moments -

The effect in the later stages makes it go all a bit too sweet and the poem loses any sense of edge it manages to deliver from the first 3 verses.

I'm trying to express the inexpressible, but I will continue to hone and polish it

I think you could improve it with some work on the imagery in the latter half of the poem. There is definately a poet in you I just think you need to learn to trust your creativity like you did in the opening verses and steer clear of over-used phrases you fell back on later on in the poem.
Hope this is helpful.

This is helpful - thanks, I will take a closer look
---todd

Originally Posted by Vasioth

This is a very beautiful, and wondrous image being conjured; and probably my favourite part of this poem.You are very good at catching this moment of mystifying wonder, and you are very good with your imagery.

thanks, I was trying to catch that moment : )

The only problem I had with this poem was this line:

It doesn't flow very well, and it is slightly awkward to read aloud. I saw from the progression of these lines that the structure of the lines got longer and longer, so I can perhaps see that is the reasoning behind not saying "the heart is thrilled" instead, but I do think it would flow slightly better, in my opinion.

I will take a look at that, I do avoid saying "the" in places, for effect and tone

thanks again
---todd

Trides, a very astute interpretation I must say - although you are certainly accurate in a way, you are seeing it in the opposite direction - it is actually in effect the banished Adam longing to go home.

Thanks Squalid, I'm glad you liked it - and I will look carefully at the adjective use - I do try not to overdo it, less is usually more in my mind : )

Nacian, much appreciated - although I feel this is far from "perfect in every way", I'm glad you liked it nonetheless

---todd

Mysterious! Love every bit of it. I like how you can draw me in for every poem of yours, make me feel like I'm there -- and describe in detail about everything around.
I'm thinking about taking classes from you.

Beautiful work as always.

This was very ... moving. It rendered me speechless for a moment. I love the way you molded your words. Good work.

I can see what the critiques are suggesting and why, but, for me, it's just nice to read an upbeat poem for once. It has the effect of a song of hope, so for that reason alone, I liked it.

Originally Posted by Phyllis

I can see what the critiques are suggesting and why, but, for me, it's just nice to read an upbeat poem for once. It has the effect of a song of hope, so for that reason alone, I liked it.

Much appreciated - I tend towards the upbeat, I'm glad you liked it - you will find all sorts here, each worthy in their own way
---todd