Thread: Simplicity

Amasing how the world goes by
without a care in the world of my
if only you could see how the words fly
such a panting of strokes and sways
it is of the most intringuing plays
of colours and songs and rays.

I'm going to go with the assumption that you are intentionally bending language and grammar here - with that in mind, a few suggestions:

Originally Posted by Nacian

Amasing how the world goes by
without a care in the world of my
if only you could see how the words fly ("how" added for flow)
such a panting of strokes and swags consider changing "swags" to a word that rhymes with the next lines (sways, slays, splays - splays gets my vote)
it is of the most intringuing plays
of colours and songs and rays. (I think songs needs to be replaced with a two syllable word (musics?)

Really, I see a little gem glinting at me under this piece, with a bit of refinement it could shine.

Lastly, intentional or not, you really should correct the spelling of "amasing" to "amazing" in the first line - the immediate thought of most readers would be that you simply don't know how to spell.

good work -
---todd

EDIT: I thought perhaps "amasing" is the British spelling, and in order to be better informed I looked it up - but I found that it is actually not the British spelling, but it is the same as in the States: "amazing."

Hey toddm..thank you for kind time and attention to my little piece.
I agree with the changes as it does float better.
I still would like to keep SONGS rather then music.
Will rewrite and post it again..thank you.

However, ignoring the grammar problems, it is such a lovely poem!
It sounds very sweet.

Beauty in simplicity ...I love that you have no punctuation until the end--it makes this poem sound breathless with the wonder of it all....Well done once again. Peace...Jul

Thank you Sweet.
It is very kind.

Originally Posted by Nacian

Hey toddm..thank you for kind time and attention to my little piece.
I agree with the changes as it does float better.
I still would like to keep SONGS rather then music.
Will rewrite and post it again..thank you.

welcome - "songs" grew on me, it works!

Hi, Nacean! Ha! I'm of different mind than toddm (which might now thourougly confuse you!) I did love the beautiful brevity of your poem. Though, I can see you economize even more which I think would further soften the flow while making more of an impact. You might do away with some of the articles and make few little tweeks here and there.

Amasing how the world goes by
without a care in the world of my
if only you could see how the words fly
such a panting of strokes and sways
it is the most intringuing plays
of colours and songs and rays.

Just a few suggestions but this is how I might go with it.


Amazing how the world goes by
with no cares in the Land of I
if only you could see how words fly
a painting with strokes and sways
the most intringuing of all plays
with colours, songs, mist and rays.

My reasoning:

L1 - Perfect intro! Clean and simple.

L2 - I think "with no cares" sounds better than "without". It's softer.

Suggest "Land" because you've already used "world" in the first line.

"I" because "my" confused me. "I" keeps to the rhyme and I think points up YOU better.

L3 - Eliminated "the" before "words". Just think it's extranious.

L4 - Sratched "such" before "a painting". You go on to describe it as "intriguing " Think that's enough.

"with" strokes and sways" sounds more grammatically correct than "of" to my ear.

L5 - Eliminated "it is" (extrainious) and had it read "the most intringuing "of all plays" for emphasis.

L6 - I love this last line as I did the beginning one. The most important part of constructing a good poem. How you start and then tie it up. "colours, songs, rays", so vibrant.

But I think you need an extra one syllable word to keep beat. It could be any word. Just came up with "mist"?

"with colours, songs, mist and rays"

This was so refreshing to read, Nacien! Look forward to more. Great therapy for this dark writer. But please don't send me a bill ! [-o<

P.S. And have to tell you your OPs in The Lounge are fantasic. Always look for you and did participate a couple of times in your threads.

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

Hi, Nacean! I did love the beautiful brevity of your poem. I can see you economize even more which I think would further soften the flow. Do away with some of the articles.

I like Silvermoon's edit a lot

one thing more I noticed: "intringuing" should be spelled: "intriguing"

cheers
---todd

todd, thank you and I liked your input. Isn't it interesting how we all come from different perspectives?

I fully agree with you. This is a gem worth time and effort, reviewing. We gotta hound Nacien for more!

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

Hi, Nacean! Ha! I'm of different mind than toddm (which might now thourougly confuse you!) I did love the beautiful brevity of your poem. Though, I can see you economize even more which I think would further soften the flow while making more of an impact. You might do away with some of the articles and make few little tweeks here and there.

Just a few suggestions but this is how I might go with it.


Amazing how the world goes by
with no cares in the Land of I
if only you could see how words fly
a painting with strokes and sways
the most intringuing of all plays
with colours, songs, mist and rays.

My reasoning:

L1 - Perfect intro! Clean and simple.

L2 - I think "with no cares" sounds better than "without". It's softer.

Suggest "Land" because you've already used "world" in the first line.

"I" because "my" confused me. "I" keeps to the rhyme and I think points up YOU better.

L3 - Eliminated "the" before "words". Just think it's extranious.

L4 - Sratched "such" before "a painting". You go on to describe it as "intriguing " Think that's enough.

"with" strokes and sways" sounds more grammatically correct than "of" to my ear.

L5 - Eliminated "it is" (extrainious) and had it read "the most intringuing "of all plays" for emphasis.

L6 - I love this last line as I did the beginning one. The most important part of constructing a good poem. How you start and then tie it up. "colours, songs, rays", so vibrant.

But I think you need an extra one syllable word to keep beat. It could be any word. Just came up with "mist"?

"with colours, songs, mist and rays"

This was so refreshing to read, Nacien! Look forward to more. Great therapy for this dark writer. But please don't send me a bill ! [-o<

P.S. And have to tell you your OPs in The Lounge are fantasic. Always look for you and did participate a couple of times in your threads.

Brilliant stuff silvermoon.
Thank you for taking time to go over my poem..it is fun to see us all participate and exchange fabulous ideas!!

is fun to see us all participate and exchange fabulous ideas

Yes, and that's why I love WF. And everyone is civil about exchanges which was not the case until Baron brought the site. Yours was a pleasure to review. Thank you. Laurie

Well -- I'll bite. Here are my thoughts.

Amasing how the world goes by -- Whose POV? "The world goes by" is a cliche that means little and can't be pictured. Can you change it to something more specific?

without a care in the world of my -- You just used the word "world" already. also "in the world of my" does not work as you intend it to. "in my world" would work, but it wouldn't make sense with the previously line.

if only you could see how the words fly -- I thought we were talking about the world? Now we are on words? I am not sure what this poem is about.

such a panting of strokes and sways -- Yes, paintings are made out of strokes. I'm not sure how sways fit into this.

it is of the most intringuing plays -- "it is ONE of the most ..."

of colours and songs and rays. -- Be bolder. Are you suggesting there are other things besides the world that more intriguing? Why, if this is about the world, are you referencing them now?





I realize I am being picky -- but I believe that's how to critique poetry. I do like the revisions that others have made, but none of them change the fact that this poem's content is simply "the world is beautiful." Now, that's fine content, I would argue, if it is specific enough. Find one small idea and really develop the imagery of it in order to show your grand idea that the world is beautiful. But without the tangible specifics, the poem doesn't move me.

Others may disagree, of course.

Originally Posted by j.w.olson

I realize I am being picky -- but I believe that's how to critique poetry. I do like the revisions that others have made, but none of them change the fact that this poem's content is simply "the world is beautiful." Now, that's fine content, I would argue, if it is specific enough. Find one small idea and really develop the imagery of it in order to show your grand idea that the world is beautiful. But without the tangible specifics, the poem doesn't move me.

Others may disagree, of course.

I don't want to speak for the author, but my suspicion is that this type of piece is comparable to an Impressionist painting - if you look too closely for detail you will only see meaningless blobs of color - but if one sees (or in this case reads) the entire piece as a whole, maybe even squinting a bit, something beautiful takes shape.

---todd

In that case I will halfway withdraw my comments -- they still stand as my reaction to the poem, but I do not wish to impose on such a type of poem that I am not familiar with.