Thread: Classroom

Sit I do solemn
in the tough necked chair and cross my legs
like I’m trying to get lucky.
My hands sleep in my lap
and my hair ruffles itself
into the same position as before.
Barren and hallow
so is the classroom.

I get the idea, but feel that contrivance gets in the way of a good poem, particularly the first line. The lack of atmosphere of an empty classroom is there, but the piece is far to expository, it tells all, shows nothing - It is, in effect, a description which leaves nothing for the reader to do. If you don't mind, I will take a liberty and suggest an alternative way of looking at it. I am not at all sure about hallow - "To render holy by means of religious rites" - is that really the word you were after, or did you mean hollow?

You have Barren and hallow so is the classroom, which is a comparison, yet there is nothing you are comparing it to - What else was barren & hallow?


Solemn,
in the tough necked chair,
I sat crossed legged
trying to get lucky.
Hands asleep in my lap
hair ruffled as before,
I as barren and hollow
as the classroom.



Just some suggestions, please feel free to ignore them.

I wrote this in 20 seconds, like most of the poems on WF hoping to be something great out of nothing, like a monkey banging on a typewriter and then sending the piece out and twiddling its thumbs hoping to be "discovered" by some esoteric editor or publisher.

This is equivalent to some modern art. You know that little white panel beside the horrid painting explaining the process, history, and the point the piece was trying to make? That panel becomes more of an art form than the piece itself. Sometimes the idea behind it is what counts. Those artists who draw like three lines on a blank canvas and it gets stashed in the museum? The reason they did it is the art, not the art itself.

Just a different way of looking at mindless poetry you might come across on the forum.

P.S. And yes, I spent tenfold as much editing this comment than editing the poem.

Ah! So you are too clever for the rest of us and think everyone but you is pissing in the wind?