Thread: A Window

I unroll my eyes,
follow shadows behind the slates;
trace breadcrumbs sure as brail
cannot describe color to the blind.

Shot through with threats;
a glance stiffens my neck with plaster-
moved by a puppet-master
who's temporary disinterest
is enough to change my manner.

Insignificance undignified,
fear doesn't need an alibi.
Lives blur by as headlights
with no driver to be found.

Those old faces are rotated
down the bottom of the stack;
tried to memorize their expressions
but the qualities won't stick
as refractions play as scenes
recalling sentimental ardor
without an outlet or safe passage
to screen the mirages that they harbor.

Eyes roll, night cast
I animate the shadows;
mine to drag across the pillow-
if they stare I study back.

Diogenes. Picard. Nice.

This is cool. I'm gonna go at it.

trace breadcrumbs sure as brail

Good image but I think you mean Braille. (Unless you mean it as in "brail up the sails!" If you do I think you should seriously consider changing it to Braille because that would be cooler.) The only thing about this image is I feel like it would be stronger if breadcrumbs held some deeper significance to the poem. It feels like the start of something really powerful, but I'd like to see you flesh it out some more.

Shot through with threats;
a glance stiffens my neck with plaster-
moved by a puppet-master
who's temporary disinterest
is enough to change my manner

I like the ideas and sentiment here. Even though the puppet-master is in danger of being a cliche and out of place, I think you could probably stick with him. Not a fan of the passive voice here -- "Shot through with threats --" What is shot through, and by who? In cases where the passive voice doesn't work, it almost feels like the words aren't even there. I could almost just gloss over them and not miss a beat. I want "change my manner" to be more descriptive of an action, the way that "stiffens my neck" is.

fear doesn't need an alibi.

Uh . . . deep?

No seriously, I don't get it.

Lives blur by as headlights
with no driver to be found.

I like this a lot, especially coupled with "refraction" in the next stanza, but I'd omit "to be found" and just end this stanza on "with no driver." More powerful if you ask me, and relates back to the puppet-master. Another thread that you could pull through more effectively.

Those old faces are rotated
down the bottom of the stack;
tried to memorize their expressions
but the qualities won't stick
as refractions play as scenes
recalling sentimental ardor
without an outlet or safe passage
to screen the mirages that they harbor.

I get something like a deck of cards here, which is cool, but like the breadcrumbs it feels like it's underdeveloped. Then there's a bit too much going on here with qualities, refraction, ardor, safe passage, playing a scene and screening mirages. There's a real lack of unity in this stanza and I feel like it could use some revision. Stick with the stuff that works together with the rest of the poem -- images of light (refraction, projection) unify well with the images of headlights.

Eyes roll, night cast
I animate the shadows;
mine to drag across the pillow-
if they stare I study back.

I really like this ending. I think you basically nailed it, but I would tweak it a bit. Your call, but I might go with: "I drag them across the pillow -- / If they stare I stare back.[/quote]

I liked this one because it reminded me of "lateralus" by Tool. This eerie existential awareness of being that strikes you at certain moments. The images of light really work for me. I think you could stand to improve the unity of the poem, however. In any case, good work. Cheers.