Thread: A place of fate

Tender voices
Can No longer be heard
To hear their song
Is a blissful thing

But no longer would it seem
Only to return their blissful singing


You may call this place sad
It is still fate
To have meant so much
Only to have it took away


This place holds so many ends
One day it may hold my singing
Because sadly it is fate

Interesting piece, hinting at unseen realities - I must say, though, that the various line spacings distracted me a bit.
More observations and suggestions:

Originally Posted by Lubu

A place of Fate Is this the first line, or the title? - if it is just the title, delete it since the title already shows above the piece - and why is Fate capitalized here, but not elsewhere in the piece (and in the official title/subject line of the thread?

Tender voices
No longer heard
To hear their song

Is a blissful thing these four lines go together, so why the space between 3 and 4? Also, the grammar had me puzzled: "Tender voices no longer heard to hear their song is a blissful thing." The part in bold needs cleaning up for flow and clarity.

But no longer would it seem

Only to return their blissful singing Again, spacing. Also, these two lines go together, but don't quite make sense (to me): "But no longer would it seem only to return their blissful singing." I'm hearing you, and I almost know what you are saying, but not quite. "only to return to" maybe?

(why start the double spacing here and below?)
You may call this place sad I'm sure you know what "this place" is, but the reader doesn't - already, there's a disconnect here, and since you don't resolve this by the end of the piece, there remains a lack of connection for the readers who are unfamiliar with the backstory.
It’s still fate Consider getting rid of the contraction, since it stands out as the only one in the piece. "It is still fate", or perhaps: "It remains fate"
To have meant so much
Only to have it took away proper grammar would be "taken away"; this would be fine if there was indication of an attempt at dialect, but I don't pick up on that here.


This place holds so many ends ends of what?
One day it may hold my singing I like the way you bookend here with the beginning talking about singing again, but...
Because sadly it is fate ...honestly, I get to the end here and am left wondering what was this was meant to bring across (?)

This does have potential, if you tighten it up for flow and clarity, like I said, and throw in a few details to make it stand out and provoke interest in the reader. Images aren't always necessary, but they sure do help make things real and tangible.

keep up the writing!
---todd