Thread: Palyfull

The ring that formed
the bird that flew
the scent that drenched
the fountained chains
of water and splash
the love of fall
refresh and flaunt
those glorious drops
upon those leaves
they shall entails
the fruits that bloom
the trees that form
the bestest shades
the tallest shapes
the garden faves
the rift it may
entrust upon
its playful pale
the stream that merge
to swim those crops
thesun that shines
upon its weaves
let it not stones
makes it reveal
nature's best plot
invite those mere
amasing grace
flowers of dear
colours and bees
faunas and flore
and beauty fields
of air and breeze.

Originally Posted by Nacian

upon its weaves
let it not stones
make is reveal

The above lines made me stumble a lot. I'm not sure if you typo'd, or what, but they mean nothing to me.

I generally don't like poems shaped like rulers -- long strings of tiny little lines. I like this one a little bit better, and I THINK it's because you've stayed fairly true to keeping the lines iambic. There are a few anapests/dactyls in there, which is fine, but what if you played around with it so you had several lines of straight iambic followed by a dactyl, and repeat that pattern? The OCD part of my brain would feel much more at home in this poem if it were even stricter in that sense, so that the breaks in meter feel intentional. (If it helps, check out this website I just googled to see what I mean: Write Scheme And Scansion - Television Tropes & Idioms ).

I'm also generally a fan of either punctuating/capitalizing everything that needs it or nothing -- rather than just capitalizing the first and throwing a period at the end.

You've focused a lot on imagery in this poem, which I think is good for a short playful poem. Do be careful of several lines (like the ones I noted above) where the meaning breaks down so far that I don't get any content or image out of the words -- just confusion. Many typos inhibit my enjoyment of the poem also, as they add pauses of confusion.

Otherwise, it was an enjoyable little 'palyfull' poem. Are you planning on revising it?

Hi j.w.oslon thank you for reading my poem..
I am going to revisit.
Just to point that if I start with a capital letter in line One then I am, I think, I am allowed one more punctuation and that is the end of the very last line, which in this case is a dot.
Does that make sense.
It was a typo .
I meant : makes it reveal

Originally Posted by Nacian

Just to point that if I start with a capital letter in line One then I am, I think, I am allowed one more punctuation and that is the end of the very last line, which in this case is a dot.
Does that make sense.

It makes sense, but I still don't think it works. Because that's not how punctuation and capitalization work -- you don't just have to make sure they tally up to each other. Your current use implies that the entire thing is one sentence, which it is clearly not. I believe it would flow better and look more natural if you just removed them; it is a minor issue, however, and one which is certainly up to you.

If I did then I will have to remove the capital..so how would I indicate that is the start of the poem?
Otherwise it could suggest it has been taken from another poem if you see what I mean.

Check out some poetry by e.e.cummings, if you want to see how someone well known has done it before. His work is interesting in that he usually uses a bit of punctuation -- and he uses it well -- but he rarely ever capitalizes anything (including the first line of his poems). You still know it's the start of the poem because it is the first line. And you know it's not an excerpt, because it would have to say that it's an excerpt.

Thank you for that j.w.
Will definetely have alook.
Thanks again!