Thread: Fences - A Short Interpretation of Freedom

Dogs grinning at the lamb naked in the city lights.
His cheeks flush a vibrant red and he looks
but he doesn’t find a gate in sight.
The ancient stone wall was fallen
when he reached it to find his woolly clothes.
And the lions still drink in their glass towers
while the steeples rob the sky
of its blushing, morning rose.

This is interesting. First suggestion that I would make would be to stifle the need to capitalize the beginning of each line. It's not really necessary, and I don't think it's adding anything. It's one of my pet peeves, but it isn't incorrect either, so you're in your right to keep it if you feel strongly about it. Secondly, I was following the story until the 6th line. It was BAM! New animal! (Sorry. My son's away for the weekend. I had a drink. Haha.) Anyway, I actually get the metaphor you're going for here, even with all my silly-ness, but I think there's a more effective one out there.

However, I will say that I really loved the last two lines. The imagery was stunning and the idea was powerful. Nice job.

Hi Angel,

The capitalisation is Word's fault, and I don't usually notice it. It's not my intention, and there's no artistic reason to keep it, just a simple mistake. I understand the pet peeve - I have it too with anything that isn't my own work, apparently, because I never seem to notice it in my poems. I suppose I'm being too critical of other parts of it to notice the caps

I did consider changing 'lions' to 'dogs' at one point, since I too felt like it was too much of a shift, and towards the end of the poem - no matter how short - some familiarity would be appreciated. But, I was hoping it would seem like the lion and the lamb come together, and the dogs are just a novelty as shepherd's dogs. I'll see if there's a way that I can have them implied, or if the lions are a necessity at all.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the critique!

Hi Nick;

I just thought that the transition was intentional once the 'ancient stone wall was fallen'. I saw the role of the dogs diminished as hearding animals and increased as protecters (from the lions). Intense visuals. Good write.

fp