Thread: Linger

I just wrote this probably too fast...just a burst of inspiration...tell me what you think please!?

Linger

The heart was open
Then was broken
Now alone and closed up tight

Can't get out
Stuck with the pain
Until unlocked becomes the chain

The sound of hurt
The sight of anger
All these things will always linger

Originally Posted by Ruby1120

I just wrote this probably too fast...just a burst of inspiration...tell me what you think please!? nothing wrong with writing fast when inspiration hits : )

Linger

The heart was open Are you wanting to avoid making this piece more personal, by maybe saying "my heart" or "your heart"
Then was broken
Now alone and closed up tight

Can't get out
Stuck with the pain consider leaving out "the": "Stuck with pain"
Until unlocked becomes the chain this line is unclear to me - maybe reword for clarity

The sound of hurt
The sight of anger
All these things will always linger Nice last stanza - although at the same time I wonder what exactly does hurt "sound" like, and what was the sight of anger? - these would linger longer in the readers minds if there were some images involved to make them vivid and real

I've read this a few times now and am, tongue-in-cheek, wondering about the implications of your having posted it. Are you unsure as to whether it has any merit; are you wanting us to do the hard work and edit and revise it for you; or are you, as Mr Darcy would have said had you produced this at a Jane Austen soiré, telling us how brilliant you are by just tossing this piece into the arena with its associated disclaimer? In order to find out, I think you should give it more consideration, do your own rewrite, and post it again....

The problem here is that this piece has practically been written a hundred times. We all get heart-broken and feel like the pain will never stop. The way that you're saying it isn't particularly unique. Direct, almost matter-of-fact. I agree with Todd that there's not much personalization in this piece. It feels void of emotion with the way you've written. Sort of apathetic, I suppose. I'm with Bloggsworth. I think that you should go back and rewrite this. Think about how it makes you feel and try and find your own unique way of expressing those feelings. Keep writing and don't get discouraged.

Thanks for the replies i really appreciate it. I am not totally sure what i was trying to say in this poem... i did mean though, to make it quite raw and like in the poem I said basically that the heart was locked...i wanted the reader to understand how hurt they are, how tight up they are, not wanting to let anyone in on their emotions..i guess that didnt work out so well i just wanted to get across how they shut down and became defensive of everything..:S

Read Gumby's poem "Bitter waters" and you will know exactly what Bloggsworth was saying. As a matter of fact--read ALL the above posters poems--they all have some brilliant writing---and you will see how they take a common place emotion and give the reader a unique perspective on an old emotion. Keep writing! You obviously love words --dig deeper, and show us How your broken heart is locked up...
Check out " The uncertainty of seduction" by Bloggsworth--completely intriguing and unexpected.
Todd's poem--"The act of Standing by a Window and staring out" ...vivid emotional imagery.
Angel's poem " Tramp Stamped"
Hope you enjoy each of these unique poems, by reading them--I think you will appreciate what each of the above poets were saying to you. Peace...Jul