Thread: Slug

Slug


Her Ford Fairmont is precisely positioned
to prevent my right-hand turn.
She could move up a few feet
violating the crosswalk, true-
but pedestrians are non-existent.
She is, out of ignorance
and lack of consideration
holding me and my important business up.

Her body is slumped
her empty skull nestled
between the headrest and open window-
fingers like whitened leeches
dangle unmoving from a slackened arm
down the side of her door.

She is a slug
barely conscious
needing to be galvanized by my horn.

My car radio reports a death
a young hockey player, big contract,
suffering from depression, police
do not suspect foul play.

Oh.

Maybe my slug is depressed;
maybe it took a massive effort
just to get into her car.
Happy people don't
slump like that.
Maybe she lost someone close.
Maybe she was harried for years
by people rushing her
and she shut down inside.

Maybe I should just take my hand
away from the horn and stop
slugging her with my thoughts.

Incredible. I love it.

I really like this, friend, but I think you have a few irregularities. For instance, you switch tense half way through which through me off. I also think some punctuation might make your images a bit easier to follow.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

I really like this, friend, but I think you have a few irregularities. For instance, you switch tense half way through which through me off. I also think some punctuation might make your images a bit easier to follow.

Thanks SG. I adjusted the tense and added a wee bit of punctuation. Flows together a bit better now, I think.

Enjoyed this capture of a moment in time, J.R. and a great ending, as always.

thanks Gumby!

This is genius...I love how hearing something on the radio --changed the person's perspective about the situation ---and became more compassionate about the "slug"---absolutely brilliant! Peace...Jul

Wow, just wow. This is akin to psychological warfare and I love it. I mean it, J.R., you're brilliant. Your driver had me mortified initially, way to twist, sir. My only nit lies in these lines:

She is, out of ignorance
lack of consideration (I keep stumbling here, needs an and, I think, and some commas)

Perhaps like such:

She is, out of ignorance,
and lack of consideration,

Excellent work, love, truly.

Best,
Lisa

OK Lisa, you talked me into another 'and'. Thanks, you are a doll.

This is very unusual but enjoyable. And good for you, I don't know many people capable of such open mindedness. This poem was refreshing in content and well worded.