Thread: Dylan

She sings to me
early 1960's Dylan songs
while I try to lay
comfortably on her
air matress.


It rains but there is
no lightning or thunder
just a gray light
pooled around the
closed blinds


She stops singing
and I lay still and
the silence gathers
like pigeons in the
belfry before we sink
into the dark wet earth.

I enjoy the glimpse we get into this moment. It's so real and simple, yet there is this mood about it. There is a secret or something unsaid that tugs at you.

I liked it. I wouldn't change a thing. ever.

"like pigeons in the
belfry before we sink
into the dark wet earth."

I was reminded of Stevens : Downward to darkness on extended wings.

This is very nice. I love the sense of melancholy and longing. I would suggest adding some punctuation though. Commas especially.

I could not disagree more with the sentiment "Don't change a thing, ever" - It is anathama to me, and I rather suspect, most poets.

"The Prelude occupied Wordsworth for most of his life. First sketches date from around 1796; a two-part version was completed by 1799, and a version in thirteen books by 1805, which incorporated for the first time Wordsworth's response to the French Revolution. Revisions to the poem continued to occupy him intermittently for another thirty years, but the poem was not published until three months after his death in 1850, under a title supplied by his wife."

So - A poem which he rewrote over and over for about 50 years - Not because it was a bad poem by a bad poet, but because it was a good one which he thought he could improve.

This is one such. I love it and want it to be even better by means of a few adjustments which may or may not meet with your approval, or indeed, displeasure. The first problem I see is that of the numerical date which people will read aloud in their minds and may wish you had rather written sixties, because it both reads and scans better. These are only things for you to think about


She sings to me
early sixties Dylan songs
while I try to comfortably
lie on her air matress.

In the next verse the grey light has a rather limp quality, pooling, merely lying about. So why are the blinds closed? Is it because you earnestly wish to keep the grey light out, to resist it? If this is so, how about:

It rains, there is
no lightning, no thunder
just a gray light
pressing against the
closed blinds

This would give the blinds something to hold back.
Pigeons are not noted for their quietness with their incessant cooing

She stops singing,
as I lie still,
the silence gathers
like pigeons in the
belfry, before we sink
into the dark wet earth.

Well I was immediately drawn to this because my son's called Dylan and I'm glad I was, it has a very quiet tenderness to it. I wonder if the second stanza, the observation about it raining but there being no thunder/lightning is a hint towards a coming (metaphorical) storm between the couple in the poem? As in 'the calm before the storm'. An interesting one, lots of layers. I wasn't sure about the pigeons simile either because I've never thought of them as quiet birds! A very good poem indeed!

I redid the poem
hopefully this draft is better!


She sings to me
Early sixties Dylan songs
While I try to lie
On her air mattress.

It rains but there is
No lightning or thunder,
Just a gray light
Pressing against
Closed blinds.

She stops singing
As I lie still and
The silence gathers
Like feathers in a
Belfry before we sink
Into the dark wet earth.

Only one suggestion - Like feathers in a belfry. If using the definite article, I feel that the belfry or at least, a church would have to have been pre-referenced or we will be asking ouselves "Which belfry is that?".

good point
touched it up again.

Thank you all for the help!