Thread: the Crocodile

Once potentate of all the Nile,
I am the dreadful crocodile
But history will brand me as
A model Ozymandias.

Nice. Although Ozymandias had a downfall... maybe you want to elaborate more on the crocodile's downfall... Or was the crocodile originally something else and has now been punished by being turned into a crocodile?

I have mixed feelings on this. I think(think being the key word here) that you wanted the last line - rather the last word, to pack a punch. And for me it just doesn't. I get the short and simple feel to this, and normally I am prone to obsessively love punches of poetry like this. I feel the less said can sometimes be more than a 30 line poem. It's good, it just leaves me wanting more, more creativeness, more of a story to give me that feeling.

I sort of agree with wakingaugust. There should be a bit more story behind it. But I disagree in that I think the punch packed here was quite impressive.

The first three lines rock - The fourth is a complete non-sequiter. Ozymandias met his end on the lone and level sands stretching far away, boundless and bare; nowhere near the river... Give the poem the ending it deserves - Link the vaunting pride of Ozymandias to the crocodile.

Well, I'm not even sure if I like it. It swam to mind while I was out running. The point, if there is one, is that the crocodile no longer inhabits an untouchable throne, the creature being used as food and textile and such. A fallen Ozymandias. I do like the last rhyme, and maybe it does deserve some more stuff in the middle.

Running, eh? I ran today too.

On-topic: Yeah, another four lines in the middle would do the poem good.

I agree that the image needs more clarification, but I think you can do it with one or two lines. This works so well as a short piece - I'd hate to see it get littered with too much information.

I love the Ozymandias image. Do what you can to keep that!

Borrowing from Gilbert and Sullivan again. In cases such as this you should really credit the original.

Oh, Baron, don't be so coy. How is this Gilbert and Sullivan at all? They're not the only ones who wrote bouncy light verse.

Originally Posted by MisterSpider

Oh, Baron, don't be so coy. How is this Gilbert and Sullivan at all? They're not the only ones who wrote bouncy light verse.

Perhaps it didn't strike you while the inspiration was still hot
You'll never be the model of a modern Poet Laureate