Thread: Metamorphoses under Slavery

I turn into a caterpillar
(Slithering in slow molestation
Fuzzy with false hope.)

You catch me on your finger,
Hug me from behind,
(prod my heart with worry
keep it prisoner from the sun.)

The sun and sons of many
Look upon this caterpillar (in defeat
Cry in agony of your
Large and phony fete.)
Feet they step on wings (unborn,
Unchanged.
Dismayed.)

Rape with eyes
Of caterpillar frame
Hold me (captive, slave to
Your caterpillar need.)

Bait with heart,
(kill me with goodbye.)
Bug self visage becomes your
Power
Manipulation
(the ultimate great coupe.)

To stop transformation,
Halt this butterfly from
Breaking


You feel the need to pin
Creation
Tired you are fast
This worm of a caterpillar
Cannot provide
Its’ role dissolves with niche
Your blood soaked hands are pride.

Blue eyes smile at blue eyes
(cold and shivered meet.)

And still dew drops form
At night and in my sleep.
Four legs of hair and toothpicks black
Stab my cocoon of no-going-back.

Gooey green cysts of blood form.
you hold me back.

I accept my torture, hope from
It I will be reborn.

The board is watching darling
Hush and push aside
And don’t you ever cry,

Pain and torture tutor self
brutality
And years they show the use
Of the caterpillar you
A butterfly is born coarse and solid



(( This is a stream of conscience piece that I did just to see where it goes. I know it's imperfect and I would love to delete a lot of it and spruce it up into a final piece. I would love to get any input.))

Sure, nothing is perfect from the word go, but I wouldnt complain about this. I actually really like it. It is worded beautifully Elegance. Be proud of this. A few tweeks here and there and it will be fantastic.

First thing I would do for this is cut the parenthesis. I don't think they're really serving any strong, meaningful purpose here, though I love the way they look. Second thing I would do is go through this and start making cuts. You've got some really good bits in here, but I feel like they're overshadowed by a few useless lines. I'll show you what I mean. Hope you don't mind.


I turn into a caterpillar
(Slithering in slow molestation
Fuzzy with false hope
Crawling from escape.)

You catch me on your finger,
Hugh me from behind,
(prod my heart with worry
keep it prisoner from the sun.)

The sun and sons of many
Look upon this caterpillar (in defeat
Cry it does in agony of your
Large and phony fete.)
Feet they step on wings (unborn,
Unchanged.
Dismayed.)

Rape with ice blue eyes
Of caterpillar frame
(care you don’t at my
struggle for solid sleep.)
Hold me (captive, slave to
Your caterpillar need.)

Eternal fall I trip
No power or will to fly.
Bait you do with heart,
(kill me with goodbye.)
Bug self visage becomes your
Power (true)
Manipulation and demise
(the ultimate great coupe.)

To stop transformation,
Halt this butterfly from
Breaking
Free

You feel the need to pin
Creation
Hide behind your mask.
Then
As sudden as ecliptic dawn
Breaking.
Tired you are fast
This worm of a caterpillar
Cannot provide
Its’ role dissolves with niche
Your blood soaked hands are pride.

Playing was good fun
Perhaps one last stone?
Still I crawl and realize
(not of my constant defeat)
Blue eyes smile at blue eyes
(cold and shivered meet.)

And still dew drops form
At night and in my sleep.
Four legs of hair and toothpicks black
Stab my cocoon of no-going-back.

Gooey green cysts of blood form.
and yet you hold me back.
And just as I thought the
Worst phase passed, your head
Rolls back
In laughter menacing with
A maniacal grin you crack.

And I’m engulfed in darkness
Weary and alone.
I accept my torture, hope from
It I will be reborn.

I am your drug, your Novocain,
Your hit and then you stop
Maybe you don’t know what you
Want maybe you do not dare,
Take this worm of a cocoon
Show others that you care.

The board is watching darling
Hush and push aside
Let the darkness grip me,
And don’t you ever cry,

Pain and torture tutor self
Realization and brutality (true)
And years they show the use
Of the caterpillar YOU (No caps)
A butterfly is born coarse and solid
Dare you try and shoot your weapon.

Care (I do not dare)

You may not like these cuts, but I'd advise at least editing some of these lines. Hope that helps. I really like the metaphor you have going here.

Great imagery (reluctance to change) here. I like it. Parenthesis are a great idea, and they can be used to disclose the most pained and tortured and most of all TRUE thoughts of the writer. You displayed this a bit here, you should expand on it.

Angel101, I was actually very inspired with E. E. Cummings' play on sound and punctuation in his use of parentheses. However my aim was not for aesthetic purposes. it was more for the underlying tone.... experimenting with layers of emotions via symbolic tools, so to speak.

I agree with Alex, I should expand on that. And I do agree with your cut outs and will apply them right now =) thank you very much for all the help.

Thank you J. R. Morin, I'm sure I will be after much practice and editing

I get why you have them, I just don't think they're effective. I think they actually draw too much attention to what's "underneath." It'd be better if it were more subtle, not expanded. Right now, it seems a bit emphatic to me. But if you feel strongly about them, you're in your right to use them. I just thought I should explain a bit more on why I don't like them for this piece.

Rampant with metaphor and rife with insight I find this a unique piece and think it very provocative. I'll be anxious to see any further editing you choose to do. I would suggest, however that you keep a copy of the original as it's (pretty darn good).

fp

I like the parentheses. I always do. I can see the cummings influence as well. Your jumbled syntax in places works well, I think.

One question: "Hugh me from behind"

What does that mean?

I can see it improving nicely

Angel101, I cannot begin to thank you on the help you have provided for me in this piece and others =)

Feralpen, Great minds think alike because I do have a copy of the original just in case. I hope any editing will not disappoint.

Sqalid Glass, I cannot begin to depict how enthusiastic I was when I read that you got the e e cummings reference. Also The "hugh" means I had one too many coffees and misspelled "hug" while transcribing it from my little red book. I apologize for the confusion.

Alex, I will work on it. thanks!

Seeing as how cummings is one of my favorites, I'd be ashamed if I didn't!

you and I have that in common!

Originally Posted by Elenagance

Angel101, I cannot begin to thank you on the help you have provided for me in this piece and others =)



Also The "hugh" means I had one too many coffees and misspelled "hug" while transcribing it from my little red book.

I thought you had a thing for Hugh Lawrie...

Or maybe even Hugh Laurie hahaha

That's funny because I thought of the same person when finally correcting it