Thread: Fashion Capital

Let's get out of here.
I don't belong.

I see all the girls wearing shoes like these. Very pretty.
This is what you wear to parties.

I won't be invited to them.
Stop trying to live through me, Mom.
If you can't fit in clothes made for daintier bodies,
then neither can I.

Don't be stubborn.
You need to look around you and see
what the other girls are doing.
Look, these are the pants they wear.
Fashionable, eh?

Fashion was made to divide society
into the high, the low, and the still-struggling.
These pants are several inches too long,
the leg too skinny.
And those shorts are immodest.
I feel threatened by the tall heels,
the cardigans not designed for warmth.
Let's get out of here.

Try it on. It might fit.
You can't wear the same grimy sneakers all your life.
Nobody else does.

Fine. Take a good look at me now.
I am no Cinderella. The shoe is not mine.
We can't afford this. Your money is not enough,
and I want to keep my soul.

C'mon, folks, it isn't THAT bad... or is it?

I for one don't think this is THAT bad at all, in fact I enjoyed reading it quite a bit. A fairly engaging story that (presumably) reveals some insight about the author. I would like to see the direct refferences to Mother cut out though, maybe because it feels a bit too angsty and the relationship is implied by the dialogue anyway.

To pack more punch you might want to experiment a bit with different punctuation theres a few places where periods could be made into - or ! for different emphasis.

My only major concern with the poem would be the ending, your Cinderella/shoe doesn't fit image was funny and effective and I think makes the best ending on its own. If you must axpress the need to keep your soul then lose the thanks at the end of the line. Although this is a (somewhat) lighthearted and juvenile themed poem you do make good points and I feel that vocalizing that "Thanks" undercuts any serious thought a reader might give your content. Thanks for sharing something interesting keep it up!

Thank you! I shall consider edits.

I do like this, Trides -very brash and honest.

I don't mind the mention of "Mother", but "Mom" would seem more real, unless the writer actually calls her female parent "Mother", in which case it is fine.

The writer gets a bit "preachy" in stanza 5 with "Fashion...", and this breaks the preceding very conversational tone - it was hard for me to picture the teen "heroine" spouting that out in the store, but maybe "she" did : )

The "thanks" does add a bit of biting sarcasm at the end which may not serve your purpose.

All in all though, very nicely done -
---todd

Originally Posted by toddm

I do like this, Trides -very brash and honest.

Why, thank you. Such is the epitome of what I strive to be.

I don't mind the mention of "Mother", but "Mom" would seem more real, unless the writer actually calls her female parent "Mother", in which case it is fine.

Good point. A normal American teen would use "Mom," wouldn't she? I may change that.

The writer gets a bit "preachy" in stanza 5 with "Fashion...", and this breaks the preceding very conversational tone - it was hard for me to picture the teen "heroine" spouting that out in the store, but maybe "she" did : )

Yes, I am very preachy, and I did spout that out in the store.

The "thanks" does add a bit of biting sarcasm at the end which may not serve your purpose.

So I'm definitely deleting that.

All in all though, very nicely done -
---todd

Thank you for reviewing!

I like the conversational tone of this piece. I agree with todd about stanza 5. Keep away from preaching and stick to the conversation - to the earth level discussion. My favorite part is stanza 2. An excellent use of rhyme and enjambment to create rhythm.

You've gotten a lot of good feedback.

I think if you did more with the Cinderella bit, that it might be tighter. I'm not sure what I mean but it seems like it's too big for the role you've assigned it. I have a few concepts but you're a poet, it's yours, and I'll let you tell it your way.