Thread: California

California


We leave the windows
open when it begins
to rain so we can
smell the wet earth
come in through the
screen but when
he doesn't call us
back after an hour
we no longer care.
She hides her mouth
with her hand and
I sit with my back
against the wall
holding my phone
and on the windowsill
there's a puddle
forming. We hear
a knocking on the
door so I go and grab
my wallet and meet him.


Later, she tells me
about California and
the watermellon cubes
soaked in vodka and
how we can stay with
her sister until we
can find jobs and the
carpet beneath the window
is dark and swollen like
the wet earth outside.

Will post a greater (in detail) reply later but let me just say that the simplicity (images and feeling) makes this a wonderful poem, slice of life type of deal and really is great. This is poetry without the overinfalted language so often associated with the ancient seer-artform. Those simple, concrete images (the water falling on the sill, smell of the rain rising off hot summer pavements) makes this poem one that I can read again and again, not because the poet (you) is trying to inject some deep otherwordly, universal meaning, but because its beauty for beauty's sake, the beauty of moment.

This pulled me right in. I loved the last bit comparing the carpet to the wet earth.

I really liked it. I loved how you talked about earth.

I was intrigued by this poem...I loved all the subtle nuances going on---what was said--and what was left to the readers imagination ...With your first line you had me hooked.The reality you captured with the rain--sitting with our back to the wall ect--had a dream like quality about it that was awesome...Peace...Jul

I think you should use a different image than "wet earth". You used the sme wording in your last poem.

Again, I'll echo my other crtique - the lack of punctuation is distracting. This is a moment piece - something that is soft and calm with impending sadness. I think it needs to be slowed down with proper punctuation.

That being said, I'm in love with this. The conflicting stanzas are breathtaking. This is a poem I wish I would have written, haha. Very nice job. Your attention to the moment is grand.

this poem is kind of a draft for that other poem.
I'm thinking about combining both of them.