Thread: Bath Time

May I run you a bath?
Perfectly mixing the hot and cold streams
creating a waterfall of froth and care
an aroma of luxury and indulgence
encircled with an audience of candles
waving silently in the steam
to a perfect level.
So that you may bathe in my love
my attention to the detail of your wants
nurturing you in unspoken warmth and scent

I don’t need you to run my bath.
I can run my own bath
Thank you very much.
You won’t know how I like it
I will put in the plug and turn on the taps
and turn on the light.
And as I run my bath
I can clean the toilet
and then myself.

When the water has gone as cold as your heart
pull out the plug
and wash the remnants of my feelings
down the drain.

Goodness, love, I sincerely hope your pieces aren't factual. Coupled with Ironing Out, it would seem you have a terribly tough time of it. That last stanza packs one hell of a punch, very well done. Onto nits, those caps every line are really distracting, they are hampering your flow considerably and the addition of punctuation would also serve to enhance your flow. I was going to remove the unnecessary caps and add punctuation as an example, but thought it would be best to ask if you'd like me to first. If you'd like me to fiddle, please let me know. This piece burrowed under my skin, no easy feat, kudos.

Best,
Lisa

Ha ha thanks Lisa - my life is not so tough right now, but don't we all tend to write more about the melancholic / moody / meaningful / miserable bits? However I will see if I can write or dig out a lighter verse and see how that works.

I am very happy for you to fiddle and nit (or even knit) . I have never really thought much about capitals and punctuation in poetry; but, now you mention, it I do see what you mean!

I'm pleased the words had an impact.

Actually, Ravel dear, I much prefer darker stuff and write it almost exclusively myself. I'm of the opinion that some of the best poetry is born of misery, so please don't strain any muscles digging up the sweet stuff on my account, although I would be honored to read it. Ugh, I'm incorrigible in my angst, lol. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of such coldness all too well, so I feel a certain kinship with you and that's why this piece resonates with me so well. In any case, here's my tinkering, think I bit off more than I can chew, punctuation is not exactly my forte, although I'm not nearly as clueless as I once was. Here goes:

"May I run you a bath?
Perfectly mixing the hot and cold streams
creating a waterfall of froth and care,
an aroma of luxury and indulgence
encircled with an audience of candles
waving silently in the steam,
to a perfect level,
so that you may bathe in, my love.
My attention to the detail of your wants
nurturing you in unspoken warmth and scent."

"I don’t need you to run my bath,
I can run my own bath,
thank you very much.
You won’t know how I like it.
I will put in the plug and turn on the taps,
and turn on the light.
And as I run my bath,
I can clean the toilet,
and then myself."

When the water has gone as cold as your heart,
pull out the plug,
and wash the remnants of my feelings
down the drain.

Okay, hopefully one of the poets with spot-on punctuation skills will intervene further. I did not put the final stanza in quotes as I am unsure it you're actually speaking or if you're running the lines in your own mind without uttering them aloud. Hope this helps, love. Will tinker with Ironing Out as soon as time permits.

Best,
Lisa

Ravel, your simple "everyday" title drew me into this complex "Study of relationships." A complicated poem written with ease, making it so effective.

I think of my relationships and those of couples I've witnessed interacting. Those who need to be comforted. Those who need to comfort. The MO of most all relationships. e.g.

May I run you a bath? ... "I don’t need you to run my bath,

The italics work wonderfully. We have the spoken and then the thoughts. Does he dare let her know he needs no fuss? And then your last stanza gives us great insight. Sheer brilliance! Do gestures really constitute love? It seems he knew better and all the while was prepared, knowing the woman behind the sentiment

My attention to the detail of your wants


And have to sneak this in...

Creating a waterfall of froth and care
An aroma of luxury and indulgence
Encircled with an audience of candles

Candles, an audience. My favorite image.

I so appreciated this read, Ravel. Thank you. Laurie

Lisa - Thank you for taking the time and patience to suggest your editing. I think I will accept your de-capitalisation - as it does improve the flow as you suggested. But I will probably not use the quotes. Also, "so that you may bathe in, my love." - "my love" is the thing to bathe in, as opposed to a person, so I will remove the comma.
There is a way to edit the original is there not?

Laurie - Thank you for your kind words, and yes you have the sentiment exactly. The audience of candles was a metaphor I was rather pleased with, so I am glad you liked that one. You have made an interesting assumption about the genders . . imagine if they were the other way round?

Relationships huh . . . complexity masquerading as simplicity and vice-versa. Can't live with them, can't live without them . . lol

Oops, sorry about the my love, I use it frequently to address people and old habits die hard. To edit, just click on Edit Post located at the bottom of the original post, make your changes and then click save. Good decision regarding the quotes, I didn't particularly like them once I added them in. 'Twas a pleasure, kind sir.

Best,
Lisa

I like your old habits, my dear, ty

Oh, wow! Superb! The contrast between romance and harsh practicality is striking. Here are two people who each need to find another more in tune with themselves. I see neither as the "bad" one... just way too different!