Thread: fallen child

Her hope's as dead as
a spider crushed by a giant shoe.
She won't even look you in the eyes,
instead she cowars in the corner.
trying not to get stepped on yet again.
Don't need a microscope to see
her insides are rotting,
and her stupid dreams
have been ripped apart
like they were nothing more than
weightless paper.
She doesn't need her daddy to
tell her she's a failure,
Didn't need her teachers to
tell her she'll be stuck
waiting tables like a
goddamn slave forever.
The windows to her soul
seem altered constantly,
but the worlds just to broken to care about
just another fallen child.

this is first time i've wrote in a long time hope you like it?

Originally Posted by un named

Her hope's as dead as
a spider crushed by a giant shoe.
She won't even look you in the eyes, These opening lines paint a vivid
picture.


instead she cowars in the corner.
trying not to get stepped on yet again.
Don't need a microscope to see
her insides are rotting,
and her stupid dreams
have been ripped apart
like they were nothing more than
weightless paper. love this line.
She doesn't need her daddy to
tell her she's a failure,
Didn't need her teachers to
tell her she'll be stuck
waiting tables like a
goddamn slave forever.
The windows to her soul }Brilliant !
seem altered constantly,
but the worlds to fallen to care about }these last 2 lines seem to stumble
a little. I don't think you should use "fallen twice--save it for the last line to give it more power.
just another fallen child.

Wonderful poem, I really enjoyed reading this , and am looking forward to reading more of your work. Peace...Jul

thanks for the advice and im glad you liked it . I wasn't sure how to close the poem and I knew something wasn't right but I wasn't sure what but I think your about haveing too fallens I'll be sure to change that.

"but the world's too fallen to care about" - if I may adjust your line slightly.

She doesn't need her daddy to
tell her she's a failure - very clever, as it is clear that he is the root of her feeling of failure.

"Don't need a microscope to see" - reminds me of a line from a Beautiful South song - "Don't take no telescope for you to love me". Which is appropriate as a telescope and a microscope are opposites!

"but the world's too fallen to care about" - if I may adjust your line slightly.

She doesn't need her daddy to tell her she's a failure - very clever, as it is clear that he is the root of her feeling of failure.

"Don't need a microscope to see" - reminds me of a line from a Beautiful South song - "Don't take no telescope for you to love me". Which is appropriate as a telescope and a microscope are opposites.

.I really like this... says it all. Just a few suggestions. First, instead of
"Her hope's as dead as
a spider crushed by a giant shoe.
She won't even look you in the eyes,"

I think it would begin more smoothly if shortened to

"Hopeless as a spider crushed by a giant shoe,
She won't even look you in the eyes. (period)
Instead she cowers, etc."

Also, picky because I'm a teacher and editor, watch the typos and/or misspellings, such as "the world's to broken (should be 'too')." This throws the reader out of the mood as the mind reconciles the error with the intended word.

But I really like this one otherwise!