Thread: Disunion of the Mass

Oh melancholy, cease your
low trills of steady freeze.
oh melancholy, now your demarcations
lies here, forever.

You People, why do
you divide, at such small
things?

Oh disunion, cease your
division among us.
Oh disunion, now your true form
shall show!

You People, why must you cry
and speak horrible to all?
Why divorce between friends
and friends?

Calm the fire, put it out! Let not
fury set it out!

But come, not disunion to
friends, for not one is perfect,
no not one.

So come, see out of your
contempt,
see that light!

Oh lies, cease your stings.
Oh lies, now your tongue
shall be silenced!

Why push, pull
in this space
our home?
Cease your childish holler,
and clean up the mess
you've wrought.

cease your bickering,
fix it up,
and continue to strive
through Your Walk.

Oh melancholy, cease your
low trills of steady freeze.
oh melancholy, now your demarcations
lies here, forever. - i think it should either be "demarcations lie" or "demarcation lies", i don't think you need the plural on both words. also i love the combination of these two words in this context... nice double meaning.

You People, why do
you divide, at such small - don't think you need the comma, flows better without
things?

Oh disunion, cease your
division among us.
Oh disunion, now your true form
shall show!

You People, why must you cry
and speak horrible to all?
Why divorce between friends
and friends? - "...between friends/and friends?" nice! i like that

Calm the fire, put it out! Let not
fury set it out! - "set" is not a very strong word here, i think this requires more action, something like "stomp" or "pound" or...

But come, not disunion to
friends, for not one is perfect,
no not one.

So come, see out of your
contempt,
see that light!

Oh lies, cease your stings. - "cease your strings" great line
Oh lies, now your tongue
shall be silenced!

Why push, pull
in this space
our home?
Cease your childish holler,
and clean up the mess
you've wrought. - i think you could cut this line completely, doesn't do much, and the stanza ends weakly with it there

cease your bickering,
fix it up,
and continue to strive
through Your Walk. - nice ending, like the symbolic natue of "walk"

i'm sorry, but i have to comment on all the "oh"'s in this poem. to me "oh" (or even o') sounds like victorian nonsense. now, i'm all in favor of nonsense, but i guess i like my nonsense to be more up to date, heh. perhaps there are better qualifiers for the terms you are oh-ing, and perhaps (and this is a really, really big perhaps) some kind of personification of those terms could add an entirely new dimension to this (??????)

anyway, i enjoyed this, it has a great flow and consistancy, some really great word play, and i liked the message too. hope this helps, thanks for sharing it.

wood

I agree with you completely. I get this feeling whenever I do not like something in the prose, but I get uneasy on if I should cut it just yet. I usually want someone to confirm it, either me telling them directly, or you already pointing it out. I'll get rid of most of the Oh's, except the ones on the 8th stanza. (allusion reasons.)