Thread: Teaching My Football Team to Tackle

Another short piece here. Was hoping to get some feedback. Thanks, friends!

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Teaching My Football Team to Tackle

I thought I'd posted a reply, but it seems to have disappeared!

Been here! I don't suppose rugby coaches are any different, catches it well.

I would lose prayer, it's a bit of a tautology - I also feel that a thoroughly immersed coach would think of the players as my children, not these children.

ah, new poem from sg... nice!

"Pop preached prayer with verve –" i have to disagree, prayer is good word here, football is holy, what coach says is gospel... the word of god, heh. that's just the way it is, coach says it and we recite it over and over and over... we eat sleep breathe and pray football. and i like the way you carry that thru with "mystic" and "chant"

"We hit what we look at! – " i don't think you need the hyphen here

"Years on..." is fine as it is, i think "years later" sounds better, but that's totally a personal choice.

great stuff here sg, you're getting these little impact poems down pretty well, enjoyed much

Thanks! Bloggs - I would have liked to use "my" instead of "these", but I'm fearful that might cause confusion. wood - thanks for the kind words!

Glass, this time I'm beffudeled. I know virtually nothing about football, only that guys wear a helmet and kick and almond shaped rubber ball. Tackling goes on and one guy or another gets his ass kicked by a coach.

potato-sack heads

Are you referring to a helmet? If so I would use different imagery. Or if there is some kind of meaning behind this please let me in.

That's it for now! Laurie

Turned out just like dear old Dad, didn't we? Nicely done, love, and I adore the reference to Jonestown, quite befitting I'd say.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

We hit what we look at! –

I very much like this line. I realise a poster above disagrees with me but I say keep the hyphen. I like the energy it brings after an exclamation mark.

Laurie - heh, kind of a nonsense image I guess - although when I see these kids and interact with them, it's almost like their brains are jumbled like potato sacks - especially after hitting.

Lisa/ ink - thank you very much! Yes, Lisa - just like dad. Lord help me.

I found this pretty evocative and juicy for a short piece.

Some tiny suggestions you might consider:

Colon instead of dash after first line.
No dash after second. Capitalize start of third.
"Now" instead of "Years on" (the 'preached' and Jonestown references suggests the passage of years already)
'peanut shell' instead of 'potato sack'- potato sack struck me as odd, too floppy. 'peanut' is a sly reference to the old cartoon- kids in football helmets with overlarge heads.--and brittle like the narrator's old self-image.

Nice work!

I like "potato-sack heads". Here's why: you can't call them "block heads" because they can't block, either.

The only thing that might improve this is instead of potato-sacked you used some variant on helmeted and played off the idea that the helmets were shielding their brains. Just a thought.

Crits appreciated. How about this?

Teaching My Football Team to Tackle

I like it

Love 'dome' or 'domed'. You get the hardness. Vanilla is cute, you just mean white?

I really liked this a lot. You expressed your point vividly and skillfully without too many words. I'm not sure about the change to "vanilla-dome," though. Seems too sweet (I make jokes?). I like that "it" is italicized. I like the way it forces itself onto your reader, sort of like what's going on in this piece. Very effective. Nice work, Glass.

Thank you all for the feedback. I'm glad the edit seems to be working. I kind of like that it's cutesy - makes it seem more real for me. After all, they are my players, haha.