Thread: Now as Then

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You have some excellent sounds working throughout this piece, but I can't help being distracted by the syntax of "Where in sunlight once we walked" and "the grove where once we stood". It has a longing feeling to the sentences, sure, and technically it isn't wrong. But I just can't help thinking this piece would be more powerful if the language was just a tad softer - maybe a bit more common. That being said, that is certainly my own personal taste. I am always a fan of the common phrasing. 'Nuff said.

I love "acorns thrown/are grown to trees" and "neither breeze nor bird disturb" - excellent use of sounds within the line.

Your final image of the nostalgic man stopping between the flowers and contemplating love is lovely. Indeed, the final sentiment of the ending line is spot on, and it works well with the image of the the flowers. I was distracted by the capitalization of "As". Seems like the dash gives you enough emphasis there. I don't think it's needed.

Love this - both sad and optimistic, a mellow metre and - I agree with SG - a skillful and effective use of sounds.

Very nice, that longing and nostalgic feeling comes through well. I am not bothered by the old world phrasing of the first version, but then again, I'm old

Wear them two at a time, though not neccessarily in pairs...

well, i can't offer you much in the way of help here, this really isn't my style of writing, and i'm not seeing any difference between the two versions... i must be missing something. anyway, this has a good flow, the sounds are great, and i could really feel the longing in this... well done.

wood

i love it. Couldn't think of a thing to change

Originally Posted by wood

well, i can't offer you much in the way of help here, this really isn't my style of writing, and i'm not seeing any difference between the two versions... i must be missing something. anyway, this has a good flow, the sounds are great, and i could really feel the longing in this... well done.

wood

Thanks Wood - The best thing to do to see what's happened is to compare the first line of the two versions one above the other. Only one word, once, has been moved, and by doing so the rhythm of the line is altered. The original used an inversion of the words we & once to alter the musicality of the line; by changing the position it moves the stress from once to we, in doing this it brings the speech pattern from the literary into the vernacular - I like to think of the original as Bach and the second version as Schubert, Bach being contrapuntal, against the flow. As it happens, the original is syntactically correct, but is now regarded as old-fashioned usage.


Where in sunlight we once walked

Where in sunlight once we walked


I altered the line the grove where once we stood for similar reasons, and by altering the syntax found a different line altogether.