Thread: Heavy Fog

What a heavy heavy fog drifts on the shores and playpens of the mind which is mine,
what a heavy heavy fog.
Real or not it is,
I seem to go on as if in a dream,
daze in daze out I run with it like the wolf with the wind.
Taken on my back which is stout is this heavy heavy fog,
pushing me down to earth and its center and its magnets
which pull me down anyway.
What a heavy heavy fog it is.
Real it is very much so or not,
does it matter yes or no,
I think not.
And walk and trudge does my mind with the mighty air of a heavy worker,
proud it has something to do,
that which it has to do
is carry that heavy heavy fog all over.

Depression? Guilt? I can see how it could play out to different meanings to people based on their own experience. I have to admit a side of me thought about an ex boyfriend that walked around in a 'california fog' all the time

Wow! Can't choose a good enough adjective, so I'll go with nearly perfect! I lovvvvve the ending,

"with the mighty air of a heavy worker,
proud it has something to do,
that which it has to do
is carry that heavy heavy fog all over. "

Just one suggestion. Eliminate "the playpens" and change the awkward "of the mind which is mine" to leave "What a heavy heavy fog drifts on the shores of my mind." The reason I say this is that the first line is critical in setting mood and rhythm, and "playpens" does not associate with fog in the reader's mind, so we are pulled out before we have even settled into the words. Same for the reverse wording of "my mind"... just makes it less smooth, and first lines should lead smoooothly into the poem, capturing the reader so he can't help but read on. Just my opinion, but sincere and meant to be helpful.