Thread: The Lonely Lawn

Okay I know its been awhile since I posted - sowwy - but I now seek advice on a piece I just wrote! (first draft) critiques and otherwise are always welcome!

I look upon her face
and, deep into her eyes
I find a lonely place


her thick fur
damp from heavy rain,
as she stands in the center
of a once lively lawn
that's now just a maze of pain


I shall never forgive myself
for allowing her to depress
over such an inevitable mess
once there were five
now
it is only you and I


if only I could see in color
to tell her
of a beautiful blue sky
allowing her to smile


she now lies at the back door
seeking comfort from the past
failing to realize
that I am right here.

Cappo de tutti arachnids, towards the end you seem to be forcing it, making the poem longer for the sake of it, thinking you've got more to say when you have, in fact, already said it. Losing a few conjunctions would help. May I be savage?

I look at her face,
deep in her eyes
find a lonely place

Is her fur really standing in the centre of the lawn? Where's her body?

her thick fur
damp from heavenly tears - Ouch! Cliché alert.
standing in the center
of a once filled lawn - Filled with what? You never show us.
now just a maze of memories


I shall never forgive myself
for letting her depress - Depress the button, the lever, the tongue with a spatula? Or did you just force a rhyme with mess?
over an inevitable mess

Why would a mess reduce 5 to 1? In what way were you responsible? I assume the her referred to is a cat, so we are discussing some kind of catastrophe, or did you kill them off one by one? Do you even need the stanza?


once there was five
once there were four ----)
once,there were three---) Lose these two lines, they serve no point, and lose the but from the next
but now
it is only you and me - Dare I say I... Try:

Once there were five
now only you and I


I wish I could see in color
if only to tell her
of a bright blue sky

If a cat, no point, they don't see in colour the same way we do, and wouldn't have a name for it in any case. You don't need to see the colour of the sky to name it, I know the sky is blue when I am travelling the Northern Line some 150 feet below the streets.


she now lays at the back door - Lies
refusing to smile ----------------)
no matter how hard I play -----) Lose these two lines


she seeks comfort -
from past companions
failing to realize -Lose this line
I am right here. - Maybe That I am still here


So:

She now lies at the back door
seeking comfort from the past
failing to realize
that I am still here

thanks for the critique lol. I see your points mostly agree with them, and when I said depress, I meant as in she was getting depressed lol, the stanza five to one was supposed to explain that she was depressing over the loss of 3 companions and there dogs . I will take your harsh yet kind words into account as I rewrite this and form it into a piece of almost art .

Bloggs is spot on. Nice piece, Chief. I can't wait to see the revised version!

heh thanks I should have it up in a matter of days

OK I finally posted the revised version, let me know what you think

I shall never forgive myself
for allowing her depress
over such an inevitable mess
once there was five
now
it is only you and I

I'm still not convinced that depress can be used that way, it is a verb that needs a noun to follow it, even if used as it is, it needs to in front of it.

once there were five

As I type this I am watching a recording of Beyonce at Glastonbury, which makes me either a dirty old man, or thoroughly with it - Either way, she must be a very fit young lady. At the moment she appears to be telling me that my sex is on fire, probably why the laptop feels so hot...

oops I thought I did put to in front of depress.. my bad lol, I'll see if I can find a something more comfortable to put in depresses place. thanks again for the critique.

Originally Posted by Bloggsworth

As I type this I am watching a recording of Beyonce at Glastonbury, which makes me either a dirty old man, or thoroughly with it - Either way, she must be a very fit young lady. At the moment she appears to be telling me that my sex is on fire, probably why the laptop feels so hot...

Okay okay. Easy now.


Chief, some thoughts -


I look upon her face
and, deep into her eyes,
I find a lonely place -


her thick fur
damp,from heavy rain,
as she stands in the center
of a once lively lawn
that's is now just a maze of pain.


I shall never forgive myself
for allowing her to depress Bloggs is correct about the technical usage of "depress" here, but I actually like how it was before. It fits the rhythm of the line better, and it adds a little personality to the account. Just something to think about, even if it is hard to make sense of.
over such an inevitable mess I don't like "inevitable" here. It's a rhythm killer.
once there were five -
now
it is only you and I.


if only I could see in color Nice
to tell her
of a beautiful blue sky
allowing her to smile.


she now lies at the back door,
seeking comfort from the past,
failing to realize
that I am right here.




This is an improvement for sure. I really think punctuation will be your friend here though. That is my biggest suggestion to you, friend.

hmm, thank you for the review, I shall take it all in and fix it up a bit more , and I see what you mean with inevitable, I shall find a new word to replace it - thanks again