Thread: Time

Taking a break from the blog to post a poem in the forum section. Heh - I suppose that's all the preface I need.

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Time

SG - Serry is not the verb from which the adjective serried is derived, nor yet the adverb serriedly - I'm sure that it can only happen in English that you can have an adverb for a word which doesn't exist as a verb!

Apart from that, the poem worries me - Not wishing to sound disparaging, because I can see what you are aiming at, I find it sounds a bit pretentious, particularly in the use of the word lambent. Lambent I might associate with children playing at soldiers, their faces freshly scrubbed and shining, but not with smug real soldiers; it also introduces a contradiction, sapphires are cold, they may sparkle, but they are not warm, which is an inherent quality of lambency. I am also puzzled by the concept of shrouding above the soldiers, and surely you would aim at them - You might chose for your rifle lambent faces, you may well chose from the lambent faces; it could be that you aim at the lambent faces; whichever, I don't like lambent here.


In submerged dawn,
serried soldiers march

I shroud above their ranks;
aim my rifle
at smug faces.

Sorry, Double post.

Glass, unusually brief for you but I liked. As I interpretate the following I see that you are pointing up youth, as soldiers are young

"sapphire skin" In this context, apart from all the varied colors of a sapphire, I see a blushing pink. Youth.

Same here.

"lambency" softly radient.

If this is where you were going, I might use one of the words more simply.

I shroud above their ranks;

Could you be referring to the cloth associated with physical pain? As in the cloth shroud of Christ and his crucifiction?

If this is the case "I shroud above their ranks" rings brilliantly.

Always armed with a surprise! Laurie

well, i won't comment of an of your word choices, looks like that's been covered (so long as i can get the image/meaning/sensation, syntex is really a stylistic choice of the author), in this case i'm a bit confused but what i'm seeing, i can't decipher if this is playful or serious. i suspect serious, as this feels cold and emotionally dettached. also, i'm not sold on the title of the poem, i'm not sure of the significance of "time"... fairly abstract. perhaps a title with more connection to the event, something that might help the reader define the moment. those are my thoughts anyway, as always, a pleasure to see new works from you.

wood

Originally Posted by Bloggsworth

SG - Serry is not the verb from which the adjective serried is derived, nor yet the adverb serriedly - I'm sure that it can only happen in English that you can have an adverb for a word which doesn't exist as a verb!

Apart from that, the poem worries me - Not wishing to sound disparaging, because I can see what you are aiming at, I find it sounds a bit pretentious, particularly in the use of the word lambent. Lambent I might associate with children playing at soldiers, their faces freshly scrubbed and shining, but not with smug real soldiers; it also introduces a contradiction, sapphires are cold, they may sparkle, but they are not warm, which is an inherent quality of lambency. I am also puzzled by the concept of shrouding above the soldiers, and surely you would aim at them - You might chose for your rifle lambent faces, you may well chose from the lambent faces; it could be that you aim at the lambent faces; whichever, I don't like lambent here.


In submerged dawn,
serried soldiers march

I shroud above their ranks;
aim my rifle
at smug faces.

Ah, thank you for the concerned crit, my friend! Appreciated. With "serry" though, the archaic definition is the verb "to press together especially in ranks". It's archaic, definitely. "Sapphire" was a reference to the color, not the physical entity. With that I was hoping it would reflect the "submerged dawn" - as in that time of day when everything feels underwater. "Lambent" was used as a way to make the metaphor one of finding brilliance and bringing it down. So, in a sense, finding the contradiction and eliminating it. With "for" vs. "at" - I went back and forth for ages on that one - especially which would be the correct usage. I tried to think of how it would be said in normal speech - something like a father instructing his son - "aim for the head", etc. It's something I am still going back and forth on, and since this piece is certainly not a finished one, I will take your advice with great care as I make my decision.

Wow, I don't mean to disagree with so much of your excellent critique, but it is what it is. I do appreciate your wisdom on the matter.

SM - Again, as I note above, in this case "sapphire" refers to "a deep purplish-blue color" (MW.com). The double meaning can certainly be taken from it, as you have done, though I wouldn't say that was my intention (:

The "shroud" was used only as a means of cover - but if you find that works for you, brilliant! I must confess I am not clever enough to think of such deeper meaning in a word.

Wood - The title was strictly used to introduce the metaphor. Time as the hidden enemy, shooting down any who choose to bring light into the dreary, submerged march of life.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

Wood - The title was strictly used to introduce the metaphor. Time as the hidden enemy, shooting down any who choose to bring light into the dreary, submerged march of life.

Now this actually makes things less clear to me - the narrator is the hidden enemy "time" shooting who? the dreary soldiers, or those who choose to bring light? and who are those in the poem?

I do like economy of words in poetry, adds to the poignancy, and it mostly works here, you actually do paint a vivid moment in a few words, or maybe even in spite of the words - several of which are unfamiliar to me, "serry", "lambert" and even "shroud", (an unusual usage here) - do you mean "to hang over", or "veil", or "cover", or "hide" - it still doesn't seem to quite fit for a person (hiding in a tree, ready to shoot) to "shroud" -

very unique here, and amazing for two short stanzas -
---todd

I took it as just being hidden somewhere above. As for the metaphor - there aren't any specific characters. Just soldiers as people marching along. Life being that march. Time picking out any who are happy in that march - any who shine - and taking them out. Haha it's simple in my mind. Perhaps it doesn't translate so well. Hence this being a work in progress, haha.