Thread: The Intruder

She hated him.
He frightened her with his monstrous ways.
Her life was beautiful until his dark presence appeared.
He was there now before her, and he spoke not a word.

She wanted him dead.
(That the murderous impulse lived in her youthful heart did not give her pause.)
She would lash out to kill him herself if not for the paralyzing fear.

He moved towards her.
Her scream filled all the house.

Another presence entered the room.
Her dear brother was there.
He would rid her of this awful villain.

She saw that he was unarmed - but he was valiant.
He struck down the impudent intruder
then stomped stomped stomped upon him with violent fury.
She closed tight her eyes.

When she opened them again it was all over.

And with the spider vanquished,
little Hannah returned to her toys.

LOL, this is adorable, Todd. Way to twist, clever sir. I simply must inquire, why the word inversions? Somehow I think that this particular piece would be better without them. Much enjoyed, love.

Originally Posted by Chester's Daughter

LOL, this is adorable, Todd. Way to twist, clever sir. I simply must inquire, why the word inversions? Somehow I think that this particular piece would be better without them. Much enjoyed, love.

thanks Lisa - if you point out the most offending inversions, I will reconsider - this was first draft material
---todd

Hah, as an arachnophobic, this is beautiful. I like that it is written as if it were a story being told to a little girl. It's simple and fun.

One thing:

"He was there now before her and he spoke not a word."

Anytime the word "and" seperates two independent clauses, you need a comma. If you look at the sentence, it could read: "He was there now before her. He spoke not a word." So, therefore, this should read as: "He was there now before her, and he spoke not a word." Just a pet peeve of mine. Thought I'd point it out.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

Hah, as an arachnophobic, this is beautiful. I like that it is written as if it were a story being told to a little girl. It's simple and fun.

One thing:

"He was there now before her and he spoke not a word."

Anytime the word "and" seperates two independent clauses, you need a comma. If you look at the sentence, it could read: "He was there now before her. He spoke not a word." So, therefore, this should read as: "He was there now before her, and he spoke not a word." Just a pet peeve of mine. Thought I'd point it out.

thanks - glad you liked this

also, thanks for the tip - usually I am fairly liberal with my commas, and tend to not go by rules, but more by what feels right, for better or worse - I have made this edit, thanks
---todd

Todd--this was highly entertaining ---and as always, you did not disappoint ...I could not imagine where this was going, and I love that about your writing. I did not love "dear" brother----Or "little" Hannah----Maybe say [big brother] and just leave out the "little"...But very clever indeed to build up the tension and mystery!Peace...Jul

Or maybe "heroic brother".Love it though...deliciously intriguing. Peace...Jul

Originally Posted by Firemajic

Todd--this was highly entertaining ---and as always, you did not disappoint ...I could not imagine where this was going, and I love that about your writing. I did not love "dear" brother----Or "little" Hannah----Maybe say [big brother] and just leave out the "little"...But very clever indeed to build up the tension and mystery!Peace...Jul

thanks Jul - I considered "big brother", but that would have in my mind given away that they were children too early - but "little" Hannah emphasizes at the end that she is a young child, say 3 or so

it works for me, but I'll think about it - "heroic" brother for me says too much, he's called "valiant" a couple lines later

thanks for the review - I'm glad you liked it : )
---todd