Thread: Profitless Prospector

Literally bone weary
with a cerebrum
just as bleary,
an insomniac prospector
seeks sleep deep
and as infinite
as space.

An extended snooze
to flip off the mental switch
and buffer
the ceaseless onslaught
of moronic monologues
spat forth
like tobacco
past its prime.

Giving into gravity,
drool droplets
of improper annunciation
dangle
then splat
soaking designer sneakers.
Truth seeker dives
into puddles of bull
searching for a single ounce
of solid sense.

Had she a sifter,
its screen would remain
clean.
Claims on veins
aged less than twenty
produce no pay dirt,
only life experience
gives up the gold.

Poor profitless panhandler
still has years to go.



As you can tell by this piece, I'm not a happy camper. Good news is, I should be back in full force in the next day or so. Lots of really good stuff to sink my teeth into, you guys have been really busy.

I nearly stopped at the first line, the misuse of 'literally' is one of the bees of Helicon that lives in my bonnet, and I don't think bones actually get weary, how about something like 'Drag foot, bone weary'?

Amusing and clever, as always, but I find myself wishing for a longer line, poetry is aural and this is short, broken, breaths. Maybe, reading your footnote, that is how you feel, but you could lose some 'extra' words amalgamating lines,

Dead beat, bone weary, cerebellum bleary
Insomniac prospector seeks
sleep, deep, infinite
as space.

I have tried to separate the lines to meaning; the state, the seeker, the sought, the comparison; see what I mean?

Just a thought, it is, of course, your poem, and as I said there is plenty of appeal in it exactly as is.

Wishing you well, Olly.

Lisa,

I think this is a very well-written poem as all of yours are. A favorite:

Truth seeker dives
into puddles of bull
searching for a single ounce
of solid sense.

I love this. You're so very clever.

I do, however, agree with Olly about the line breaks. I'd love to read some longer lines with this, but my opinion on that isn't so much about the way this sounds outloud. (I don't pause at all on line breaks when I read poetry.) My opinion is because of the desire to breath in this piece and get that "extended snooze" (loved that, by the way). I feel like that desire for rest should be reflected in this piece, like the lines should be trying to stretch and trying to relax. By no means do I feel that all the short lines need to be eliminated, but I do feel that some longer ones throughout would benefit the piece.

I'm very sorry for all your struggles and hope that things get easier.

Bay

Lisa, I believe you attempt to turn tragedy into art as I do. Though you give your reader irony, wit and even right out humor! I find this piece to be more raw and I mean this in the best possible way. “puddles of bull” is very organic (no pun intended!) Now, directly to your poem.

ceaseless onslaught
of moronic monologues
spat forth
like tobacco
past its prime.

My favorite. Not only because your imagery “hits” but because you make me feel like I’m in your kitchen or living room undergoing the impossible.

“Spat forth like tobacco past its prime” is priceless!

Poor profitless panhandler
still has years to go

Your ending is outstanding. It conjures up the idea that more personal work needs to be done. It’s a hopeful close, despite the “all”. It’s something some of us realize. We need to jump over the hurdles. But the really wise know when it’s time to recoup in order to catch our wind in order to continue the jumps.

So wise friend, back in full force in a matter of days? I can’t wait. I’ve told you before that I believe there is art in review and you’ve got it down in a way no one does.

Dear friend, I have a “Lisa Thought” everyday and have been jetting over my positive energy to Queens. To hear that you’ll be back has made my day! Laurie

If you're using "pay dirt" as I think you are, then isn't it one word?I rather like the short lines. They feel right to me. Though, aside from "dangle" (which is brilliant), I dont care for the one word lines.

I didn't have a problem with your use of literally, as I understand completely what you're feeling here. So sorry you're in a camp that inspires such a piece as this, but I do enjoy your way with a verse.

Lisa--You know I am a huge--HUGE fan of your poetic prowess...this poem was good---but for me this lacked the rich texture of your other poems---and I am not sure why...that is why I have taken so long to reply...[sorry-I did not mean to rhyme --I just can't help myself]---Your other poems have layers of subtleties --humor--angst--and so forth . Hope you understand what I mean. I did enjoy reading this though. What do other people do--who can't write for therapy ? I am so glad you could turn a bad situation into a really good poem. Hope you are feeling better. Peace...Jul

I really liked everything after the first word.....

Hey -- this is pretty sharp! I guess I'm not a big fan of the "literally" either. Not so much because you've used it incorrectly, but because it's been tainted by so many that do. Maybe that's my problem.

the ceaseless onslaught
of moronic monologues

I'm smiling at that -- it remind me very much of something I just posted -- using some of those very words. Great minds...

I guess poetry can be a good catharsis -- I need it to try that some time!

Good work, Lisa.

Okay, the cord for the laptop is in two pieces, so I'm stuck on an IPad. Ugh. Problem is it's way too sensitive for my clunky buckled hands so typing is a disaster. I stand behind literally, diseased bones do get weary, will elaborate further once I get the laptop back. Dearest Jul, please never agonize over your opinion of my work again. Your honesty is well appreciated andyour thoughts are extremely valued. In this instance, you are one hundred percent correct. This is nothing more than a glorified rant that lacks my usual attention to details. But it was necessary for temporary peace of mind as you so aptly picked up on. Thanks to all for your comments and for liking it despite its faults. I will address this more deeply once I have the laptop back. For as long as it took me to type this, you could have had dinner and a movie. It keep changing my words, I hate this thing. Grr. thanks so much again.

A very disgusted and frustrated
Me

I like your annunciations (if that is the correct technical term - I'm new here) . . alliterations?

the ee's in - seeks sleep deep
the dro's in - drool droplets
the s+n's in - soaking designer sneakers
the uddl and ull in - puddles of bull
the pr's in - poor profitless panhandler

I had to look up panhandler - is this the same language as sneakers?

Love the humour and wit and cleverness, and the way the words dangle and splat on the page.

Originally Posted by Ravel

I like your annunciations (if that is the correct technical term - I'm new here) . . alliterations?

the ee's in - seeks sleep deep
the dro's in - drool droplets
the s+n's in - soaking designer sneakers
the uddl and ull in - puddles of bull
the pr's in - poor profitless panhandler

I had to look up panhandler - is this the same language as sneakers?

Love the humour and wit and cleverness, and the way the words dangle and splat on the page.

For future reference, the repeated ees would be assonance - same sound. The drooled droplets & poor profitless panhandlers would be alliteration.

WHEEEEWWW--Lisa-Thank you for taking my critique on the chin and remaining so gracious...You set the bar soooo high with "Dethroned"---just one of so many excellent poems. Hope all is well with you , my Friend--Looking forward to reading more of your intriguing poems. Peace...Jul