Thread: It Shouldn't Happen

Okay, so this is a piece that I've had sat about for a couple of weeks so I thought I'd post it. I'm looking for some feedback to see how I can improve it. There's something that's missing from the piece. Thanks in advance

I can list the reasons why we can't:
I'm seeing someone,
it was good at the time
but it wouldn't be right,
we missed our chance,
I cant hurt him
I care for him.

But despite those reasons
I remember that night
with each spare second
the things you did
they made me moan
made me beg
made me writhe in bliss

What we did
Shouldn't happen again
yet I know
No matter how hard I try
even trying to avoid you
What happened then
will happen again

Hi, Nik

I think your poem has great potential to be a really great one. I think it's just a matter of inclusion and some exclusions. You convey a strong message but I think your appoach is too stark. This is what I might suggest and then you might want to play around with it.

I can list the reasons why we can't: Eliminate. Not a poetic opening.
I'm seeing someone, You and I were like ribbons entwined (keep to tense)
t was good at the time it was so right at the time but we missed our chance. Time is such a thief.
I cant hurt him Hurt, care, co-mingle when it came to you
I care for him.

But despite those reasons Despite, I remember that night - compact and opportunity to rhyme
I remember that night
with each spare second eliminate
the things you did
they made me moan when you made me moan, beg, wirth in bliss. It's just this I can't dismiss
made me beg
made me writhe in bliss

What we did What we did will repeat like a drum beat - use of similie and rhyme.
Shouldn't happen again We, sweating musicians
yet I know
No matter how hard I try
even trying to avoid you No! No! Leave my dreams.
happened then Yet it will happen again like my heart beats.
will happen again

I only used a couple of examples here but you might want to employ some imagery to bring your statement, feelings more alive. How bout a re-write!
Worthy of one. Laurie

I completely agree... it needed a rewrite... so I've gone a different route with it, to the point where it's a different poem. I'd really appreciate your feedback and see if you think it works better, worse, and where any more work needs doing on it.

Thanks

Nikki

-----------------------------------------------------

You planted your seed
just for one night
but your roots began to grow.
I try to dig you out
let you know it’s time to move on;
we’re over, not that we ever begun.

It was right at the time
but I realized you weren’t right for me.
I found another
bringing bright colours to my life.
Still you’re there
An invasive top growth.

Yet somehow I know
I’ll always find a space for you,
never dig you out completely.
At the time, it was right
and even now I’ll find a reason
for it to be right again.