Thread: Night-song

I should be inside sleeping by now
but oh how the stars crown
those treetops with enchanted light,
with Ursa Major there
and Cassiopeia, I think that’s her,
over that way reclining fair.
The warm wind is soft tonight
and it’s quiet here.
But not so quiet,
with insect choruses
chanting that familiar
night-song of theirs
here to me.
It’s three o’clock in the morning -
no one knows I'm out here
in the backyard drinking wine
and contemplating the world.

This is lovely. Such a powerful moment that, I think, every poet should be able to feel and understand. I love your lazy lines. They are so soft and delicate. And the image of the poet, unbeknown to the neighbors, is just a wonderful touch.

My one thought is that the "wow" repetition feels a little off. I don't think it fits the language and feeling of the rest of the piece.

Regardless, a great work here. Absolutely love it.

You can really capture a moment in nature. This was beautiful--enchanting-- something like magic. I can feel myself under the night-sky, breathing in everything. Nice work as always.

I love being outside at night, just looking up at the stars. It would be much nicer if the dogs didn't feel compelled to bark at every rustle, but there you go. Anyway, I thought your poem was really lovely, straightforward and honest. In fact, I'm almost inclined to get one of the sun loungers out in the hopes of a clear, dry evening. Thanks for the read.

What a lovely feeling you give me with this one, toddm. I was right there with you, glass of wine in hand and gazing up at those stars. I too, was put off by the repetition of wow, it sort of jarred me out of that lovely moment.

Originally Posted by toddm

I’m different now -
different than I used to be.
I would have never done this then,
not the way I used to be.
But wow - look at the way the stars crown
those treetops with enchanted light
with Ursa Major there
and Cassiopeia, I think that’s her,
over that way - wow.
The warm wind is soft tonight
and it’s quiet here.
But not so quiet,
with insect choruses
chanting that familiar
night-song of theirs
here to me.
It’s three o’clock in the morning
and the neighbors don’t know I’m out here.
No, the neighbors don’t know I’m out here,
in my backyard drinking wine
and contemplating the world.

May I be a spectre at the feast? For me the repetitious first four lines damage the poem, and the wows don't help, they reduce the poem in my view. I think it needs tightening up to reduce the extraneous. If the stars are crowning the trees, it has to be the tops, so no need to say it, remove some of the connecting tissue, let the reader make the connections. Something along the lines of:

Night-song

Look at the way the stars crown
the trees with enchanted light -
Ursa Major, and Cassiopeia
complete my sky.
The warm wind is soft tonight
it’s quiet here, insect choruses
sing me their familiar songs.
Three o’clock in the morning
and the neighbors don’t know
I’m in my backyard drinking wine,
contemplating the world.

I put in that 4th line as a place holder as I feel the iffyness of the direction is distracting, you need something positive, after all, it is a positive thing to be outside conversing with the stars, you took wine, so your presence isn't an accident.

So now that I've pitched out nearly 50% of your poem, I'm going into hiding...

Blissful ...this has that subtle mysterious quality that one can find only in the night---when you are alone with the grandeur of the universe...
You have vastly improved this with the edits suggested by the insightful critiques of the other poets. Your talent is awesome. Thank you for another gorgeous poem. Peace...Jul

Thanks, Squalid Glass, for your generous review, which was on the original (better) version which was only up for a short time, and which I subsequently chose to change - I appreciate your feedback very much.

Also candid petunia, I'm glad you appreciate nature poetry and the enjoyment of moments like this.

CLN, dogs barking close at hand also are grating to me - off in the distance are a different matter - what annoys me as well are those outdoor air conditioning units that are constantly kicking on and off and which put off the loudest noise, especially in the middle of the night.

Gumby, I'm glad you got that feeling of the moment too - and since several of you all have mentioned the two "wows", I have edited those out - this was a very spontaneously written piece, and the "wows" just flowed out - I know it isn't my usual poetic voice, but I left those in to see if they worked - I see now they didn't, so they are gone : ) thanks

Bloggsworth, I appreciate your feedback, and see what you are saying.
I'm not much on "complete my sky", not really my voice.

I don't mind that you shortened it in your edit, I always like hearing other's ideas and takes on a piece.

firemajic, your comments are always so gracious - thank you - and yes, the piece is much improved with the edits based on the feedback received.

thanks everyone

---todd

I loved nearly all of it, and was swallowed up in the mood. Nice descriptive piece. But the ending seemed too literal, too informative:

"no one knows I'm out here
in the backyard drinking wine
and contemplating the world. "

Explaining what you were doing seems unnecessary. Since everyone else is asleep, of course they don't know what you are doing, so no need to say that. You don't need to be drinking alcohol to appreciate the glory of nature, so I'd leave out the wine. And "comtemplating the world" is the obvious part. We've all been there, and we know that intuitively. It sounds too literal alongside the rest of the lovely phrases that take us to the time and place, and for me it shattered the mood.

How about something like this:

"While I sit here in the backyard
Drinking in the world like wine."

you always have such astute observations -

Originally Posted by Phyllis

I loved nearly all of it, and was swallowed up in the mood. Nice descriptive piece. But the ending seemed too literal, too informative:

"no one knows I'm out here
in the backyard drinking wine
and contemplating the world. "

Explaining what you were doing seems unnecessary. Since everyone else is asleep, of course they don't know what you are doing, so no need to say that.

I guess I was reaffirming the situation - they could have fallen asleep with the knowledge I was outside, but they didn't

You don't need to be drinking alcohol to appreciate the glory of nature, so I'd leave out the wine.

This was just describing the scene, and what I was doing - I've enjoyed nature plenty of times without any food or beverage, but this time this is what I was doing, and I thought it added to the mood of the piece to mention it

I could have said I was eating a carrot and contemplating the world, but that doesn't convey the same mood does it? : )

And "contemplating the world" is the obvious part. We've all been there, and we know that intuitively. It sounds too literal alongside the rest of the lovely phrases that take us to the time and place, and for me it shattered the mood.

I guess I was just summing it all up - maybe it doesn't work like I thought

How about something like this:

"While I sit here in the backyard
Drinking in the world like wine."

"Drinking in the world like wine" is lovely and poetic, but not particularly my style - but there, you take that line as a taking off place for a piece by you, I'd love to read it : )
---todd

Originally Posted by toddm

"Drinking in the world like wine" is lovely and poetic, but not particularly my style - but there, you take that line as a taking off place for a piece by you, I'd love to read it : )

I've been without inspiration these past few days, and I'm glad for the idea, so I will take you up on that suggestion. I'll name it "For Todd" so you can't miss the thread.

Todd, I've done as you asked. Have a look and tell me what you think: http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...ml#post1471934