Thread: Tracing

For all those pieces left behind.

Tracing

We drove over paper maps and pulled
our fingernails along the lines to remember
how we got from one corner to another.
We made campfires with words,
watched them get hot and jump on our skin.
That road we took was cut up in dead ends,
and we pocketed back roads
because you were never sure.

Your face on the way was chipped,
a fragment at every stop to remind us
that we had missed nothing.
Gasoline sap coming out of broken trees
with kerosene leaves, all the grass
was like charred fingers under our feet,
because we took everything.

A gathering of mud brought stampedes
from our lips to the wrinkled rocks.
Folds from missteps. Folds from perfect footing.
And the grime gripped when we made our fire
that night. We needed to be kindling, permanent
and dry. You said skin was good for peeling
because we’re so tender underneath.

I watched you dismember your body
until you were just clusters of crumbles
scattered on the side of the street.
We made the world fit for roadkill
to inhale slowly in premeasured pieces
because you needed me to carry you.

I like to go tracing over continents
and highway forest fires,
or wherever you left those faces and fragments.
The road we took was paper on fire,
and my fingernails are filed down to the skin
because I tried to go back again.

That piece was one of the most amazing poetry that I have read in quite some time.

I literally had to read it out loud to share with someone the moment the verses came to an end.

Where can I begin? the imagery and the way the echoing last lines of every verse hold you in constant conversation left me breathless. I could go back and analyze this to bits but I am afraid to derive the wrong meaning.

Some of the bits, however, seemed to be broken down slightly awkwardly to preserve form.
For example:
"And the grime gripped when we made our fire
that night. We needed to be kindling, permanent
and dry. You said skin was good for peeling"

this is the only place where there is an ending statement and a new statement meshed in line which means it was inconsistent with the overall form. I believe that's what's causing a bit of a schism in overall flow.

"I like to go tracing over continents
and highway forest fires,
or wherever you left those faces and fragments.
The road we took was paper on fire,
and my fingernails are filed down to the skin
because I tried to go back again."

Amazing ending, my favorite part. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this !

One thing I always hope for when I see you've posted a new topic is that you will try something that doesn't pull any punches. Not saying pulling punches in a poem is a bad thing - but my kind of poetry is more subdued. I think you've done that here. The metaphor is lazy which is perfect. Your stanzas flow nicely as well, and the sentiment is soft. I love lines like "because you needed me to carry you" and "because I tried to go back again". Some might say they are too telling, but to me they are simple expressions of sentiment. I hate overly sentimental works, but the one line statement lends itself nicely to sentimental thought. You deliver that sentiment simply and softly. This is a quiet poem filled with images of macabre transformations such as the trees with gasoline sap. It's strange, but not overplayed. That, I think, makes this more powerful than other stuff I've read from you.

Nice job!

Oh, wow. Thank you both so much. This was definitely different from what I normally write. I've only written maybe one piece similar in the subdued nature of this one. But I'm very grateful for all your kind words, and, of course, suggestions are always welcome. Wrote this on a whim this morning, so I'm sure it's far from perfect.

I was reminded a little bit of Margaret Atwood with this - which isn't a bad thing (unless you hate her, of course...)

I have to agree with SG. While I always enjoy your more... how shall I put this... "intense" use of metaphor, I like that you've tried something different here - experimentation, going outside the comfort zone - all good things, IMO. Especially when done successfully, as has happened here. Since you say this was written on a whim and is therefore probably in a less polished form, I'd be interested to see your edits; but then, I don't think you'd really need to change much. If anything. Sometimes good poems just "happen", fully formed, like Athena popping out of her dad's forehead, or something. Oh my, now I'm rambling....

I don't really have any nits, so I'm going to break the forum rules and just say, "Good job!"

Bay! This poem is outstanding. Yes. Something new for you and cheers for stepping outside your comfort zone. After reading a few times, I noticed the following connection. Like sturdy bookends to your piece. A brilliant move!

We drove over paper maps and pulled
our fingernails along the lines to remember
how we got from one corner to another.

And I loved "road...paper on fire"

The road we took was paper on fire,
and my fingernails are filed down to the skin
because I tried to go back again.

So strong. "fingernails filed to the skin" retracing.

That road we took was cut up in dead ends,

Am I correct. A play on words? Every woman's nightmare in a salon? Cleverly have me guessing.

Abounding with gripping imagery but I think this snippet of just two words is my favorite. How many writers could do this with rocks?

wrinkled rocks.


Bay, you've not given anything away here. So much is still up for interpretation. Still got your mystery going on... Laurie

Absolutely stunning. Nominated this one as Member's Choice elsewhere.

Thanks everyone.

Bachelorette: I haven't a clue who that is, but will look her up. (I know. I'm completely ignorant about writers. I haven't actually read a book in years. I'm not even exaggerating. I don't read poetry outside of forums either. Bad, bad me! I'm taking a poetry class this semester to rectify this problem!) Thanks so much for your comments and encouragement!

Laurie: Thank you so much for all your kind words. I always appreciate your reviews.

CLN: I saw that! Thank you. Feel a bit bad because I haven't been to that site in years and just came back, but I'm happy to be nominated either way.