Thread: Schizoaffective

Note: Basically looking for a better way to structure this and clean it up. Also welcome feedback about the subject matter. This might not even be poetry. I don't know. . .That's why I'm posting it here. Tell me what you think.

Schizoaffective:


It doesn’t mean very much to me.


I don’t believe labels define us as people.


I believe that’s what actions do.


Yet, I feel as if I carry that stigma,


Even as I share it with you.


Not quite normal, not quite insane;


A medicated monster, holding out for the truth.


With it comes degradation, kind of how I always wondered,


What it would be like to be the only black kid in a white school,


With no one to understand, much less believe,


That I am a human who feels pain


Just like the person who doesn’t have a chemical imbalance in the brain.

Well, I think the message of your piece is a really strong one, but I think that if you're wanting this to be poetry, it needs some work. You have some good lines here. I particularly like:

A medicated monster, holding out for the truth.

I also liked that you used "chemical imbalance," but I think that line was a little too wordy.

In this piece, there's a lot of telling going on. I think you should go back and read this over and think about how you were feeling when you wrote it. Then picture a place to describe that feeling. See where your mind goes, what it does. There's potential here.

As far as the structure is concerned, I actually like the way the lines are spaced out and broken like that. But don't feel the need to capitalize the beginning of every line. Just a thought. Keep writing. Wish I had more time to give you thorough feedback. Trying to catch up on reviewing!

Thanks for the reply.

Yeah the amount of telling is what concerned me most. I'm going to take another look at it, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow.

Thanks again.

Originally Posted by FinnMacCool

Schizoaffective:


It doesn’t mean very much to me.


I don’t believe Labels do not define us as people.


I believe that’s what actions do. I think you can reword this without using the words "I believe." We already know that you're telling us what you believe; that's why you've written the poem. No need to state the obvious.


Yet, I feel as if I carry that this stigma,


Even as I share it with you.


Not quite normal, not quite insane;


A medicated monster, holding out for the truth. This is your best line, here.


With it comes degradation, kind of how I always wondered,


What it would be like to be the only black kid in a white school, I know what you're trying to say with this simile, but I don't think it really works. Either cut it completely or try to cook up another one.


With no one to understand know, much less believe,


That I am a human who feels pain


Just like the person a human who doesn’t have


a chemical imbalance in the brain. I like that you chose to end with a rhyme in a poem that otherwise does not rhyme. It sets your final thought apart from the rest of the piece; makes it stand out, in a good way.

Huh. I agree this has a good message - kind of reminds me of that one song by The Smiths - anyway, I think if you pared it down a bit it would read better. There are some extraneous words here - I've struck most of them out. I think what you have here is the core of a good poem, but you're not quite there yet. I'm not 100% what to suggest - maybe talk a bit more about how it feels to be given an apparently "negative" label - at least, a label many people would assume to be negative. I'm no stranger to mental illness issues myself - a diagnosis really doesn't mean very much beyond telling doctors how the patient ought to be treated - but many people, sadly, don't see it that way. So I think a little bit more about how living with the stigma affects the narrator might help. Anyhow, whether you take my advice or not, I'd love to see any revisions you'd be willing to share. And thank you for sharing, too, BTW.

First things first - let's take out the double spacing! Here are my thoughts.

Originally Posted by FinnMacCool

Schizoaffective An interesting title


It doesn’t mean very much to me. I love this opening line. It's ambiguous and direct.
I don’t believe labels define us as people.
I believe that’s what actions do. These two lines are all telling. How can you show this?
Yet, I feel as if I carry that stigma, that?
Even as I share it with you.

Not quite normal, not quite insane;
A medicated monster, holding out for the truth. Two strong lines.
With it comes degradation, kind of like how I always wondered,
What it would be like to be the only black kid in a white school, This doesn't happen often, but I have to disagree with Bacelorette here. I think this idea works - I think your syntax in the line needs work. It's a bit wordy right now. But I think it works well with the schizophrenia image. There's black and white - it's contrast.
With no one to understandwhere no one understands, much less believe,
That I am a human - I who feels pain
Just like the person Might I suggest a line break here?
who doesn’t have a chemical imbalance in the brain. I like the rhyme and the sentiment, but it's wordy. How can you economize this?

Thank you, everybody. This has been very helpful!

Hey again, everyone. I tried to compact it again. I'm still not sure if I'm happy with it. Please tell me what you think:

Schizoaffective

Numb acceptance.
No use for labels.
Actions speak for us.
I carry the cross.
And share it with you.
Not quite normal,
not quite insane.
A medicated monster,
holding out for truth.
With it comes degradation
like how I always wondered
What it would be like to be the only black kid
in an all white school.
With no one to understand,
much less believe
That I am a human who feels pain
Identical to the person who doesn’t
have a chemical imbalance in the brain.

I like most of the changes you made; my one complaint is the way you've punctuated the first five lines. I don't think the full stops are working. Maybe try something like this:

Numb acceptance,
No use for labels:
Actions speak for us.
I carry the cross
And share it with you.

Or whatever. One other little thing:

That I am a human who feels pain
Identical to the person who doesn’t
have a chemical imbalance in the brain.

I think the enjambment here and the word "identical" throws off your rhythm. It would read better if you did this:

That I am a human who feels pain
Identical to Just like the person who doesn’t have
a chemical imbalance in the brain.

Anyhow, hope some of that helps.