Thread: My life (some language)

Hello guys, hitting you with another poem. This one is very experimental and might have no rhythm to you. I went along with a song, I usually do that with all my poems. I just took a pattern and ran with it (also there is no perfect pattern, either.) I kind of just let myself write and get every thought down without structure. But, I also fell in love with this one enough to put it out in public. I honestly don't know why, I just love everything I say and the Rhythm I find in it. Critique is still wanted, but I expect there to be a lot of problems / issues. I really fell in love with this one after letting it simmer, maybe it'l do the same to you. Well, without further ado, here is "My Life"

My life, I'm not even friends with my head,
It'd rather stuff me in the closet and make me scared of under the bed,
You hear what it said?
It wants to paint everything around it with a dramatic little bucket of red,
Watching it tread
Off into the distance, I'll miss it, it's going to crazy, maybe someday I'll go and visit,
It wants to play tricks it, wants to make me sick it, wants to make my life insanely frantic,


My life isn't perfect,
But all the bullshit I've been through has always been so worth it,
So I sit,
Letting the thought thicken as I write it, Putting every single thought I've ever had behind it,
So let's find it,
The reasoning behind all of this time I've spent on it just trying to forget it,
I dread it, but let's bring it, back up again so you can finally get a chance see it,


My life isn't glad, it's sad
My friends are fake and, my girlfriend is just another daughter of satan,
I'm not a man,
The thing I spend my money most on is a bag full of rocks and a bottle full of sand,
I'm my biggest fan,
Even then I don't cheer for myself because even hope is just a stupid fad,
I do what I can,
To stick to the my plan of making it through this life growing into a man,


I admit, I'm not the same, I've changed
And if they were true to me they'd never say they can't stay,
Watching it all fray,
It all goes away, what do I say?, I just guess it wasn't in the mind of fate,
I've gained my trait,
Of making it through this game, pushing my name, hoping to clear all the shame,
I'm sorry if you came,
And had thoughts of the train, making it futher than anyone could frame,


I've taken more than what I'm worth,
Ive also been taken since the first day I took step on this earth,
Mallory was first,
She's taken my hand since birth and told me she'd be laying with me on the day i'm in the herse,
I'm so unsure, So insecure
Of everything around me so I shut down and let it all become a blur,
There is no cure,
Everyone will think it's love, but in fact it's about my curse and how I let it become my hurt,


So look deep into my eyes,
See the hell that resides Inside my life,'cause I've been through hell and back a hundred times,
Not perfect but it's mine,
The sun really doesn't shine, 'cause the clouds are too busy looking down and cryin',
I'm never flyin',
The wings have been cut right when I jumped I guess I just will stop tryin' and give it up,
Fucked up,
My whole life has been judged, but don't read my book by it's cover, 'cause even your pages are torn up.

Personally, I really liked this. Probably cause I could really relate to it.

I mean, it's hard to really critique something like that. It comes from the heart, you know?

Good luck, and keep writing and don't worry, everything will turn out good in the end if you have a positive mental attitude.

Actually, I think the rhythm of the piece was great. At least the way I read it. (I listen to a lot of rap music, so that's sort of what this reminded me of.)

You've got some issues, though. One thing I noticed in particular was your placement of commas. What I got from it was that you were trying to simply add a pause in certain places, even when it didn't make grammatical sense to put a comma there. I understand. This is poetry. We have the freedom to do that, but I think that maybe there are other, more creative ways to convey the rhythm you want. Like line breaks.

And speaking of line breaks, I'm not sure I totally agree with the way you've got this structured. Those long lines are a lot to take in at once. I think if you broke it up a bit (not a lot), it would be beneficial for this piece.

As far as the content is concerned, you had some good moments. But this was a lot of statements. There's not really much for me to wrap my head around and think about. It could be a personal taste issue, but I think you could benefit from exploring a little more complication. If that makes any sense. Keep writing.

Listen to angel - she is wise. Her critique covers everything I was going to say. Other than that, I would avert your attention to this thread:http://www.writingforums.com/site-ne...ve-boards.html

Not trying to be a stickler, but rules are rules and pretty much keep society from falling like a rock over James Franco's head.