Thread: Do we need roads

Do we need roads;
the uneasy black curved avenues,
leading into other trails.

Ones to which there is no end,
nor one to begin with.
Whose pot holes, which depreciate into plot holes,
spoiling my plans rotten.

It's okay if the weeds push through the terrace,
gung ho.
Through the needle eye sized holes,
the ones which the haughty stay clear of.

And if I may suggest,
that there be no way home;
but allow the way to become home.

It's been a while since I've seen your works here, Eli. This is another abstract piece from you that I think has a very wonderful message. I liked the way how you ended it, as if you were saying that "Every life is an adventure."

A few specifics:

the uneasy black curved avenues,[/COLOR]
eading into other trails.

Perhaps adding a question mark at the end?

Whose pot holes, which depreciate into plot holes,

Changing "into" to "to" would sound more fluid, I think.

It's okay if the weeds push through the terrace,
gung ho.
Through the needle eye sized holes,
the ones which the haughty stay clear of.

I like the picture of this stanza. My only problem with it is flow. When you look at the second and fourth lines, they don't flow in fluidly. If I were to suggest, I could've done it like so:

I guess it would be okay
if the weeds push through the terrace
through the needle eye-sized holes,
the ones which Haughty stays clear of.

It's not much, true, since I did this in like 10 minutes. But you could experiment, make the stanza go smoother.

And if I may suggest,
that there be no way home;
but allow the way to become home.

As I've said, a wonderful end.

Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02

It's been a while since I've seen your works here, Eli. This is another abstract piece from you that I think has a very wonderful message. I liked the way how you ended it, as if you were saying that "Every life is an adventure."

A few specifics:



Perhaps adding a question mark at the end?



Changing "into" to "to" would sound more fluid, I think.



I like the picture of this stanza. My only problem with it is flow. When you look at the second and fourth lines, they don't flow in fluidly. If I were to suggest, I could've done it like so:

I guess it would be okay
if the weeds push through the terrace
through the needle eye-sized holes,
the ones which Haughty stays clear of.

It's not much, true, since I did this in like 10 minutes. But you could experiment, make the stanza go smoother.



As I've said, a wonderful end.

Thanks you are so right, I will work on this, I want to enter a contest, I'm gonna post the two Im thinking of

I agree with Fuhrer's critique. I would also suggest cutting the first line.