Thread: For Everything

When I close my eyes
All I see are my hands around your neck
There are tears streaming down my face
It has to be done
But I know that it's wrong

When I open my eyes
All I see is blood dripping from your throat
The wake of tears stain your face

When you close your eyes
You won't see me coming
But you'll hear my sobs of passion

You won't open your eyes
They'll stay closed forever
But you'll never shed another tear


What we do is secret
We carry out our pact discreetly
But only I follow through

What I did was secret
I fulfilled my part discreetly
But now I'm overcome with guilt

When I die, if I don't go to Hell
Maybe I'll go to Heaven
But I doubt it
Because I did something wrong

And when I'm in Hell
Maybe I'll see you there
But I doubt it
Because you did nothing wrong.

And I'm to blame
For Everything

Hello, John. I think you have a strong piece here with intense emotions. You also have some nice rhythm in places. A few suggestions - first off, I think your refrain is good, but I don't think you need it in every stanza. If you don't mind, I've taken the liberty of crossing out where I think you can use a break from it. Second - I think there is too much exposition right now. When you do get into images, it is simply a telling of what you're going to do. I'd like you to show us what you're doing. Show don't tell is not an absolute rule, but I think in this case it will help. Here is a more detailed crit for you:

Originally Posted by johnthegrungekid

When I close my eyes
All I see are my hands around your neck
There are tears streaming down my face Here are two lines that could use some imagery. What do the tears look like? How does the other person's neck feel?
It has to be done
But I know that it's wrong

When I open my eyes
All I see is blood dripping from your throat I'm confused - if this person is being choked, would blood start to drip from the throat?
The wake of tears stain your face "Wake" is an interesting word choice here...
It had to be done
But I knew that it was wrong

When you close your eyes I like the shift in perspective here.
You won't see me coming
But you'll hear my sobs of passion "Sobs of passion" feels a bit cliche. Can you think of a better expression to express this?
It has to be done
But you know that it's wrong

You won't open your eyes
They'll stay closed forever
But you'll never shed another tear I like this thought.
It had to be done
But I knew it was wrong

What we do is secret
We carry out our pact discreetly
But only I follow through A mutual suicide pact of sorts? I'm confussed here.
It had to be done
But I knew I was wrong

What I did was secret
I fulfilled my part discreetly
But now I'm overcome with guilt
It had to be done
But I knew it was wrong

When I die, if I don't go to Hell
Maybe I'll go to Heaven
But I doubt it
Because I did something wrong Good change up of the refrain.

And when I'm in Hell
Maybe I'll see you there
But I doubt it
Because you did nothing wrong. Another good change up

And I'm to blame
For Everything