Thread: Lightning Piece

For Neill

Lightning Piece

The sky has glow-in-the-dark veins
that tear between stars with freight train,
sawed up bodies. They breathe
while you’re indoctrinating
a piece on high inoculating
to the humdrum thunder drumming
of a ventilator running
up my ear canals.

There was a blacktop water backdrop
before all the swelling and electric propelling
of syringes—before the moon billowed out
with a smoky tail sending down
salivary guillotines. You wanted the storm
born and breathing.

Humdrum thunder drumming.
Your heartbeat beeping.

The scene is a beachfront hospital bed.
The waves are dead and they’re all
bled out.
Sometimes the lightning looks
like fireworks breaking from black books.
Or it did in the section of ocean complexion
where my eyes paraded that love
you traded,
as I wondered why the waves died.

Sand grains in the bed
are an overdose
of words you said,
rubbing together in sheet creases,
bringing other bed diseases—
where we used to sleep
when the storm breathed and beat
the humdrum drum.

Your piece is in the veins of my brain
activity,
and

thunder has one tone that breaks bones,
lightning slicing the sky
when it glows in a flat line.

This is your best work that I've seen, I think. Your imagery is so strong in this:
"The sky has glow-in-the-dark veins
that tear between stars with freight train,
sawed up bodies"

It's surreal and gothic in a way. Abstract yet tangible. I really love it.

My one crit would be the rhyming. I don't think it's needed - well, I mean I don't think as much as you have is needed. I think if you spaced it out a little more, the flow of this would improve.

Regardless, a strong piece. I'm impressed.

Thank you, SG. I totally agree about the rhyming. I entered this in a contest on another site, and one of the rules was that the poem had to rhyme. Needless to say, I'll be doing some editing. Thanks again!

I think the rhyming isn't a problem like you have it in the image I quoted. But when you start getting two or three rhymes in a one or two line section, things get tricky.

I have it sounding a certain way in my head (am going to make a recording of myself reading it at the request of a friend), but I definitely want to rearrange things.

The sky has glow-in-the-dark veins
that tear between stars with freight train,
sawed up bodies. They breathe
while you’re indoctrinating
a piece on high inoculating
to the humdrum thunder drumming - love that line, and i really like how you keep coming back to it, very nice
of a ventilator running
up my ear canals. - i'm with s,g, about the end rhyme, i like all the sounds in this stanza, but the end rhyme seemed a bit much, perhaps that's just personal taste

There was a blacktop water backdrop
before all the swelling and electric propelling
of syringes—before the moon billowed out
with a smoky tail sending down
salivary guillotines. You wanted the storm
born and breathing. "You wanted the storm born and breathing" great line

Humdrum thunder drumming.
Your heartbeat beeping. - awesome

The scene is a beachfront hospital bed. - great displacement, love that
The waves are dead and they’re all
bled out. - these two lines feel off rhythme, maybe "the waves are dead and all bled out)
Sometimes the lightning looks
like fireworks breaking from black books.
Or it did in the section of ocean complexion - hmm, i had trouble following this line, felt wordy, plus, i don't know, something isn't working right in that line i think
where my eyes paraded that love
you traded,
as I wondered why the waves died. - love this stanza, the surreal change in scene, this was key to the poem's movement, for me anyway, great image

Sand grains in the bed
are an overdose
of words you said,
rubbing together in sheet creases,
bringing other bed diseases—
where we used to sleep
when the storm breathed and beat
the humdrum drum.

Your piece is in the veins of my brain
activity, - not really liking this line, you might consider cutting it, and let the above line stand on its own
and

thunder has one tone that breaks bones,
lightning slicing the sky
when it glows in a flat line. - powerful ending, well said. i know this was a tough poem for you, and i'm really sorry about your friend niell. you honor him with these poems, and i think he would love that

Thank you, wood. For that last comment especially. These poems mean a lot to me, and this time of year is hard. And everything feels like it's falling apart right now. The one person that I need to talk to isn't here. But I'd like to think that writing about him honors him in some way. God knows I haven't done anything else to honor him. Unless, of course, royally screwing up my entire life counts.

Sorry. I'm venting. Tonight hasn't been great.

Like I said before, I also agree about the rhyming and will eventually come back to this piece when I'm up to it. I do feel that the rhythm is fine, though, but again, that may just be the way that I'm reading it.