Thread: Mind Play

Mind
Mind walks, briefcase in hand
Walking up to doors like a salesman
Booming
“Let me in! Let me in! I have a right to be let in!”
And each time a response dryly escapes
Saying
“But it’s too late; the title card says ‘fin’”
Desperately dizzy Mind falters
Nowhere to go, everywhere to loaf
Synergizing less than the total
Collapsing
Tired and trodden
Time wiped across its face
My mind voids closed eyes and says
“Why do I have this fate?”
Then out of everywhere
A luscious cry of a demon’s howl
Brave and phallic
It enters my mind
And says in a loud grating whisper
“Go ahead, fly, release the breaks”
Mind roughly complies
Jumps
And is finally sublime

I think your metaphor is strong, but your rhyming is distracting and feels forced. I think if you rethink this without forcing your lines into rhymes, you will have a more powerful expression of idea. Also, with this piece, I think punctuation is needed.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

but your rhyming is distracting and feels forced.

I have to agree. This is the nit I immediately saw when I started reading your piece, starting with "Salesman from Iran." One another note, this piece has something in it, too. The colorful pictures painted here, as the mind tries to seek for answers. Seems so abstract, the message is, but many people can relate to. I think you did a satisfactory job with that one.

Here are a few more specifics.

“Let me in! Let me in! I have a right to be let in!”
And each time a response dryly escapes
Saying
“But it’s too late; the title card says ‘fin’”

This is good. Packs a powerful punch. I'm a bit skeptical with the rhythm from the first sentence to the second one, though.

Nowhere to go, everywhere to loaf, synergizing less than the total

I think the phrase in bold could be placed in another line.

Then out of everywhere escapes

Escapes here isn't a good word choice for me, as it sounds redundant.

“Go ahead and fly, release the breaks”
Mind roughly complies
Jumps
And is finally sublime

A brilliant ending. I really like it.

Once again, a solid piece. A great way to start my morning.

Although rhyming is something that is quite powerful in poetry when consistently embedded with the overall setting.

However, since you're piece skews off it and becomes more and more free style and expressive, the rhyming becomes deemed as forced by the reader. (also when rhyming pay attention to the mundane formulas to create less of a forced rhythm)

Overall it is solid in imagery and is topped of with a great finish.