Thread: Sermon

Sermon
The music flow and flows
Through affect
Continually drowning my prose
A sermon wails above denouncing evils
The devils don’t need a colorful smell to cheese
Saliva dribbles
The sermon wails
Pounding my door
Next to Salvador Dali overflows
The scum
Plum wine is spilled
Lenka groans!
Waffles under stuffed animals as time is melted
Like fine cheese over wine
The air frightens the righteous leeches
The religious
The pompous
Pesky Demon, no one goes that way
Stay here and rest
Play
Lenka, jump the brook
Jump the brook and play

As with your other piece, my comments still apply. I think your rhyme scheme needs to be worked out and punctuation will help. Also, regardless of how great it is, I don't think two cheese references work in this piece. Just a thought.

I agree with SG about this one. I think a lot of the rhythmic issues could be worked out if you broke up your lines differently. I'm not really sure what the purpose was of all the short lines you have going on here, but I don't think they're working in this piece either way. I also agree about the cheese thing. It was off to me. Perhaps if you took another look at the piece and then thought about what it's really doing here.

it's good to look back at your older works to see how your poetry has evolved.

In essence this was confusing but I enjoyed the irony that the words and rhythms jumped the brook and played just as the character did in the final lines.

I feel like this piece is targeted more to be read out and interpreted rather than examined with the reader's eye.