Thread: We’re A Grim Bunch

We’re A Grim Bunch

Brought together to celebrate
life—but not without a sense of humor
(for his 80th birthday,
we sang by the dim light
and sugar scent
of a single red Yankee Candle)

My grandfather extinguished
the mismatched glow
with a pinky finger;
chocolate cake was divided
then consumed with vanilla ice cream
and chocolate wine.

Out back, as the mosquitoes
plotted to reclaim the night,
my uncles and aunts talked:
his divorce, their fractured finances,
his bastard children, his girlfriend.
The evening entered stinging
and the fireflies imitated the sun;
the beautiful distracters reminded me
of the split-second apparition of an angel
I convinced myself I saw in 2nd grade.

I overheard a bit about a man,
(I think my father’s cousin)
a favorite among his nieces and nephews;
he liked to flip into the pool,
beer in hand—he claimed to have never spilled a drop.
An aunt suggested that he’d
empty the pool with his lips if he did.
He used to drink
from his mother’s perfume bottles
when he couldn’t afford
his whisky and a beer;
his sister tried to stop him
by peeing into his bottle.

They laughed about that story
and grimaced as each imagined
what their sister’s urine might taste like—
I felt too detached,
lacking both a sister
and any prior knowledge of this dead man.

The beer I’d hardly touched was warm now;
I collected the condensation from the can
with my fingers and passed the droplets
across the peaks of the nipple-like
bites that began to form on my exposed skin.
I thought about piss and perfume
and decided it was the perfect way to describe
what old ladies wear—vile smelling stuff,
like a corpse preparing for the part,
getting everyone used to the idea with their noses.

Vary nice, it started out happy and pulled me in with the sad twists, I like the imagery,very bitter, overall I think its a great piece - keep up the great work!

I enjoyed this narration of the family state. You really managed to set the narrator apart, without any direct condemning or otherwise judging statements. It was like seeing the madness while still being part of it. Or feeling alienated in one's own world... As you aim for vivid and wordy descriptions, and I thought it read well throughout, I have no suggestions for you. Good work.

You must have been at the last family reunion I attended...I wish you would have came over and introduced yourself,It would have been less painful to endure. Wonderful ! I loved your "laid back" observations ..Thank you for reminding me why I don't do reunions...Peace...Jul

A strong introduction into an environment in the opening stanza. The imagery provides a strong sense of place. And provides the opportunity for the "we" to be introduced. What I'm not sure of is why you used the parenthesis to enclose the final four lines of the first stanza. The poem has an effective voice which progresses naturally. In the second st. where the persona is introduced, but the following lines, are of the old man. Thats nice. All the stanza's had a coherent relation with each other. A very readable poem. I have read the poem a number of times now.

hi

i really enjoyed this poem. just wanted to share some thoughts i had with you, if you don't mind.

Brought together to celebrate
life—but not without a sense of humor
(for his 80th birthday,
we sang by the dim light
and sugar scent
of a single red Yankee Candle) - nice, great description

My grandfather extinguished
the mismatched glow - i wasn't sure how to take "mismatched", not a big deal though
with a pinky finger;
chocolate cake was divided
then consumed with vanilla ice cream
and chocolate wine.

Out back, as the mosquitoes
plotted to reclaim the night,
my uncles and aunts talked:
his divorce, their fractured finances,
his bastard children, his girlfriend.
The evening entered stinging - this line feels awkward, perhaps its just the word order
and the fireflies imitated the sun;
the beautiful distracters reminded me
of the split-second apparition of an angel
I convinced myself I saw in 2nd grade. - ah, i like that, very nice

I overheard a bit about a man,
(I think my father’s cousin)
a favorite among his nieces and nephews;
he liked to flip into the pool,
beer in hand—he claimed to have never spilled a drop.
An aunt suggested that he’d
empty the pool with his lips if he did.
He used to drink
from his mother’s perfume bottles
when he couldn’t afford
his whisky and a beer;
his sister tried to stop him
by peeing into his bottle. - heh, well that's a new one, great stuff here

They laughed about that story - i think you could cut "about that story"
and grimaced as each imagined
what their sister’s urine might taste like—
I felt too detached,
lacking both a sister
and any prior knowledge of this dead man. - i like the tension that developes here, and i like the way you play it out in the rest of the poem, very nice

The beer I’d hardly touched was warm now;
I collected the condensation from the can
with my fingers and passed the droplets
across the peaks of the nipple-like
bites that began to form on my exposed skin. - from the begining of this stanze down to this point here, seems a bit wordy, but i like the imagery, you might want to condense some of it
I thought about piss and perfume
and decided it was the perfect way to describe
what old ladies wear—vile smelling stuff,
like a corpse preparing for the part,
getting everyone used to the idea with their noses. - love this ending, good place to make your exit i thought. very well done.

this is a great scene you have here, i like the narrative style and voice. and i hope i was able to help.

wood

Haven't seen you in awhile! Where you been?

Originally Posted by SvirVolgate

We’re A Grim Bunch

Brought together to celebrate What is the reason for the enjambment here? It, to me, provides a false cliffhanger.
life—but not without a sense of humor
(for his 80th birthday,
we sang by the dim light
and sugar scent
of a single red Yankee Candle). I ALWAYS love parenthetical, but here I don't think it's needed. a simple dash or period after the second line would suffice.

My grandfather extinguished Now THIS is an excellent enjambment. It gives us one image on one line, then flips it on the next.
the mismatched glow
with a pinky finger;
chocolate cake was divided
then consumed with vanilla ice cream
and chocolate wine. The repetition of "chocolate" feels overused here.

Out back, as the mosquitoes
plotted to reclaim the night,
my uncles and aunts talked:
his divorce, their fractured finances, "fractured finances" is strong
his bastard children, his girlfriend. It's all bout him, huh?
The evening entered stinging I think "stinging" might be better seperated here by making it a nonessential modifier. Besides, it needs a comma after it regardless.
and the fireflies imitated the sun;
the beautiful distracters reminded me
of the split-second apparition of an angel
I convinced myself I saw in 2nd grade. I love this thought. I would suggest spelling out "second" though. It might not be as distracting as the number.

I overheard a bit about a man,
(I think my father’s cousin)
a favorite among his nieces and nephews; This line still feels like part of the parenthetical...
he liked to flip into the pool,
beer in hand—he claimed to have never spilled a drop.
An aunt suggested that he’d Again, this enjambment feels awkward.
empty the pool with his lips if he did.
He used to drink
from his mother’s perfume bottles
when he couldn’t afford
his whisky and a beer; Great characterization.
his sister tried to stop him
by peeing into his bottle.

They laughed about that story
and grimaced as each imagined
what their sister’s urine might taste like—
I felt too detached,
lacking both a sister
and any prior knowledge of this dead man. This is great. It made me think of Bishop. I love the line "I felt too detatched."

The beer I’d hardly touched was warm now;
I collected the condensation from the can Great line
with my fingers and passed the droplets
across the peaks of the nipple-like Awkward enjambment here.
bites that began to form on my exposed skin. Excellent image.
I thought about piss and perfume
and decided it was the perfect way to describe
what old ladies wear—vile smelling stuff,
like a corpse preparing for the part,
getting everyone used to the idea with their noses. This is a very impressive ending. I didn't see it coming at all. Love the surprise and the extreme image.

thank you all so very much for reading! :3