Thread: Cold in Florida

Cold in Florida

Snowflakes of graffiti
letterheads slice oxygen to reach
the asphalt. And make mosaic messages.
Broken palm trees on your vehicular runway.
Be the breaker of that Fahrenheit zero
when you walk through Miami
in thigh high miles,

rolling up dough like snowballs
on acid. They just keep on coming.
From those top hat boys. Engines revving.
Carrot noses at the ready. Corner pickups in pickups.
Take you through painted stop signs to be
stopped up, sanded down smooth.
Dealt out snow in your pocket
to shoot up and snort

later at the beach. Where you freeze
the waves in alcoholic positions. Bent over.
Going down. You like to be a frosted mirror of this,
and you breathe between clients and sometimes
a lover. This is a gritty wonderland of metallic
sculptures. They line the club strip like diamonds
you wish you had growing up. They’re women
in the waves. Stuck in that pimped out
tide. Nothing to divide but
their legs.

You're a breather
in the depressive, dry-ice humidity
of the tourist stand jungle gyms that bring blueprints
of snowballs. To roll around. In bed with. Or in that corner
with too many snow piles for anyone to notice.
They like it public and you like your white
off-white. You're the breaker of that
sunny side uptown. Where ionic,
iconic roamers sleep and bathe
in the city melted down.

You’re a hot mess-ed up
snowcastle in the downtown dance floor,
where high hells make marks with their heels.
On your face. On the places where it’s cold, where all the boys go
to breed their balled up bodies. Here you are, compressing
temperature between those palms. With a traffic jam
jamming by to the sound of graffiti
on the ground.

You have such a wonderful stream. Well, I like the format of the piece, it has a strong visual sense of rightness. You do bizarre with finesse. The poem flows nicely through to the end. I like this; "Snowflakes of graffiti
letterheads" then in the end; "to the sound of graffiti on the ground" makes an association, and provides for an ending. An entertaining and thoughtful poem. Well done. I'll reread it.

I can't relate to your poetry, which makes it very difficult for me to give you good feedback. That being said, you present your images and set your environment with such crisp detail that I am able to envision the world of the poem. You do that constantly. It's a very strong trait. Here are my thoughts which I feel don't do justice to this piece because of the personal feeling that you have produced with it.

Originally Posted by Angel101

Cold in Florida

Snowflakes of graffiti
letterheads slice oxygen to reach Slice oxygen is a new one. I like it.
the asphalt. And make mosaic messages. There shouldn't be a new sentence here. It should be continued.
Broken palm trees on your vehicular runway. I love the use of vehicular.
Be the breaker of that Fahrenheit zero
when you walk through Miami
in thigh high miles, Miles?

rolling up doe like snowballs This image I didn't get fully. Are we talking about cash here?
on acid. They just keep on coming.
From those top hat boys. Engines revving. Again, the sentence before the top hat boys one shouldn't end. It should continue through "boys".
Carrot noses at the ready. Corner pickups in pickups. Clever
Take you through painted stop signs to be
stopped up, sanded down smooth.
Dealt out snow in your pocket
to shoot up and snort I see the value in the short, choppy sentences, but I think they create more awkwardness than anything else. Also, this might be place where your center format, snowflake like stanzas might hurt you. The enjambment of "to be/stopped up" is unsuccessful, in my mind. I think center formating is useful in certain cases, but here I don't think it's needed.

later at the beach. Where you freeze
the waves in alcoholic positions. Bent over.
Going down. You like to be a frosted mirror of this,
and you breathe between clients and sometimes
a lover. This is a gritty wonderland of metallic
sculptures. They line the club strip like diamonds
you wish you had growing up. They’re women
in the waves. Stuck in that pimped out
tide. Nothing to divide but
their legs. I like the end rhyme here, but again, the enjambment is awkward because of the center formating and the visual of the lines.

You're a breather
in the depressive, dry-ice humidity
of the tourist stand jungle gyms that bring blueprints Another creative image - tourist stand jungle gyms. Just perfect.
of snowballs. To roll around. In bed with. Or in that corner
with too many snow piles for anyone to notice.
They like it public and you like your white
off-white. You're the breaker of that Another strong use of repetition with white.
sunny side uptown. Where ionic,
iconic roamers sleep and bathe ionic iconic is strong and causes a double take. Clever for an attention grabber.
in the city melted down. I like the use of the inverted syntax here. It creates a strong rhythmic effect.

You’re a hot mess-ed up Here, I don't think the play on words works. It feels gimmicky and a bit awkward off the tongue. If you remove the dash, it should work better.
snowcastle in the downtown dance floor,
where high hells make marks with their heels.
On your face. On the places where it’s cold, where all the boys go
to breed their balled up bodies. Here you are, compressing
temperature between those palms. With a traffic jam
jamming by to the sound of graffiti
on the ground. This is an EXCELLENT ending bringing us from air to ground from beginning to end. Very strong.

hi bay. this is a very chilly observation / representation. felt like an emotional deep freeze... numb. as always, i like the surreal feel of it, weaved in with strong mean. very well done.

for the most part i have echo s.g., but just wanted to add a few things i noticed.

rolling up doe like snowballs - do you mean doe as in deer, or dough as in "cookie dough"?

Carrot noses at the ready - "carrot noses" i have no idea what that means, but i like it. however "at the ready" feels a bit weak. what is "ready"?

Take you through painted stop signs to be
stopped up - i strongly agree with s.g., perhaps there is another way to word this that fit into your format

you wish you had growing up. They’re women - not liking "they're", out of rhythm i think, "they are" sounds better

other than that, great use of device in this, enjambment and surprize, stunning visuals. really enjoyed reading this.

wood

jeffery: Thank you for you comment. Glad you enjoyed.

SG: Thank very much for taking the time to go through this for me. A very strong critique. Couple things:

Yes, doe is referring to cash. I spelled it the other way because I had this really crazy idea going on in my head about deer, but I don't think I have enough context clues to make that work. So I've changed it to "dough" for now. I can see where the enjambment might feel a little out of place; however, this is piece where everything is sort out of place. This goes for the fragments as well. It's all broken and screwed up. It's hard for me to explain, but that was the intention here. An awkwardness. A feeling of things being out of place.

Wood: For "doe," see my comment to SG. Carrot noses... Ha, ha. That was an innuendo. And the "they're" line... I think I must be reading it differently.

I'm going to be doing some editing on this one. Thanks everyone.

I think that awkwardness and choppy feeling can come from the short, chopped sentence. But I think it needs to come a little more naturally. Fragments are fine for that, but what I saw were sentences that weren't even sentences - just dependent clauses. I think you can keep what you have but maybe you could change the periods to dashes or semi colons. That might help.

It seems a completely different world than mine. Squalid's critique seems very sound. I enjoyed your wording and images but I couldn't really wrap my head around them. It was like there's a lot of meaning and intentions in the piece, yet they would blur it for each other. My most fundamental idea about the poem was that it's about doing drugs and how shallow ones world slowly becomes...

Visually it's like it's all wrapped up in a totem or a snowman (the latter would suit it I guess), though I'm not sure what it actually does for the content. My advise is to de-center it and rewrite those forced enjambments.

It's all broken and screwed up. It's hard for me to explain, but that was the intention here. An awkwardness. A feeling of things being out of place.

Angel, without sacrificing the mystery, the sense of scatterings, I think if you connected the dots a bit more you’d allow the reader to link up your intents. Like a puzzle, still, but with more tangible pieces. Still, ever so subltle.

where high hells make marks with their heels.

I happen to really like this play on words.

And make mosaic messages.

Nice imagery and alliteration!

Dealt out snow in your pocket
to shoot up and snort

Now this I connect with, though I think "in" should be "from".

In general, an intriguing mix of images! Laurie