Thread: Burn the Midnight Oil

Venture out, toil night and day
Burn the midnight oil
Sweat
All would think
That’s all to do
They rather
Require not do that options few
To be top of the pile, flush and loaded
But the tough truth is
Vain living on Easy Street
Ain’t that meek
Zealous ants don’t get to rest
And loyal sheep can’t digress
Make a left
On Linear Lane
Make a Z turn
On Abstract Avenue
Diverge
Then feel the rain

Originally Posted by Alex

They rather
Require not do that options few

You definitely need to reword this. I get that you're going for internal rhyme, which is fine, but it's really a jumble. Strive for more clarity here, even if you have to forsake the rhyme.

Make a left
On Linear Lane
Make a Z turn
On Abstract Avenue
Diverge
Then feel the rain

This is my favorite bit, right here, and the best of the poem. Very cool.

I agree with Bachelorette about the wording of that line and also about which part is best in this poem.

The colloquial language in this poem, I feel, wasn't used as effectively as it could've been. I think if you maybe expanded on this a little and if you used more poetic devices, your wording would work a lot better.

I also thought there was a lot of telling in this poem. Not much for me to wrap my mind around and really picture and dissect. And that could be narrowed down to personal taste, but I don't think more imagery would hurt this poem.

But that part that Bachelorette mentioned was excellent. Thanks for sharing this.

Bay

Well with your first and second lines, you are inviting the reader to take on a persona in the poem. Then when you say, all in the fourth line, I have to do a scrutiny to see if I'm included in that. And then using, they, in the sixth st. it furthers the idea there is a, us and them. And I still haven't decided that I belong in the all category. The final six lines are fantastic. Makes me want to jump in, and feel the bliss.

I absolutely love the rhythm in this piece. It has a Lewis Carroll ala The Jabberwocky. I think you can be extremely aided by punctuation. It might help draw sense from some of your lines. Speaking of lines, some of the enjambment feels misguided in this. There are certain things you can pay attention to when enjambing; among them are the end line words, the image presented, the rhythm of the line and whether or not enjambing provides a visual emphasis to the image you are presenting. Try thinking along those lines when choosing where to break your lines.

As with your other piece, this one seems to scream to be performed in one way or another.

I tend to hold an iron fist with "punctuation" written on it, so I agree with Squalid Glass.

Taking those two thoughts together, perhaps acting it out in your mind and placing the emphasis and pauses where you desire will help you with the "enjambment" business.

When I read this poem--I hear Rap "Music".You have been given a wealth of wonderful critiques that I would love to see you take advantage of. Nice job though...Peace Jul