Thread: Seasoning

Spring sprung one hop
as if it were a feeble
lop-eared rabbit,
affording little else after winter’s dirge.
After it’s long bus stopping.

Poems of budding,
anachronistic, on curled pages.

“Spring is in your step”
we will tell our grandchildren,
as their milk white shoulders
turn coffee overnight
while summer percolates.

Sky, now an antiseptic blue,
is like a bottle of gin
sweating Juniper Berry poison
on our skin.
Medicinal, momentarily healing
thoughts of life’s tick, tock tasks.

As I write, as I do,
fall is hiding beneath a leaf.
　
　
　
　
　
　

Your imagery is like waking up to a kick - jolting and jarring. Each line is it's own poem. Just an excellent job getting the most impact out of every word used. I think there are Places where your punctuation can be tinkered with, but as is there's nothing that I see could be very much improved here. Another strong work, friend.

Lately I've been trying to be more straightforward with the people around me. I feel that so often we tingle with our expressive appearances, sometimes even conscious and manipulative, when we address our fellow humans. But often also unconscious and like victims of time passing. Or seasons passing as your poem's title imply.
It was really nice to be reminded of this in such a stellar way. So thank you for that. The example from your poem, where it's the children under influence, I find really important to take notice of.

In general the poem gave me notions, of how we should connect more with the current time, the present or again the current season, live each day like it's our last, that stuff. I had to read the gin verse a few times, to understand it in this context, but finally it worked for me. Maybe your intentions with the poem are not actually what I got from it. Anyway, very good work and very much enjoyed.

Martin

Three central images were floating in my head; rabbit, coffee, and ethereal being... very nice

Glass: You, a learned poet, have given me a great compliment. Usually, my aim is to "wake people up." Startle them so they may think and feel. So, you hit on it! I'll go over puncuation which has never been my strong point. Thank you.


Martin:

In general the poem gave me notions, of how we should connect more with the current time, the present or again the current season, live each day like it's our last

In a way this poem is a double entandra. On one hand, I think we've all noticed lately that we've been experiencing long brutal winters, a short appearance of spring and burning summers. I was addressing global warming, caustically.

I also wanted to convey how each season has a different personality, so to speak. People, with all their differences, should not be taken for granted. As you state

Lately I've been trying to be more straightforward with the people around me.

As to time: e.g. Summer represents that time when we are sometimes not in the present. Anticipating the work ahead of us.

Medicinal, momentarily healing
thoughts of life’s tick, tock tasks.

Given that I rarely write "pretty", I'm not even sparing the seasons which are usually herald. My last line is me making fun of myself!

I hope I've answered your questions at least adequately. Thank you for enjoying and for your questions.

Alex: I'm glad you liked those images, especially as they are some of my favorites. Thank you.

“Spring is in your step”
we will tell our grandchildren,
as their milk white shoulders

I would have found it hard to resist working in 'told' instead of 'will tell' to chime with 'shoulders'

turn coffee overnight
while summer percolates.

This I particularly likes

Hi, Olly. I used "will tell" because it was about "a matter of time" before spring would be obsolete.

Glad you liked my phrasing. In fact, it's time for me to get some more coffee!

Thanks so much, Laurie

Hi, Laurie

I really enjoyed this piece. The way you used your words was beautiful and not excessive, which was great. Couple of my favorites:

Poems of budding,
anachronistic, on curled pages.

Sky, now an antiseptic blue,
is like a bottle of gin
sweating Juniper Berry poison
on our skin.

I also loved the short stanzas mixed in with the longer ones. To me, this really emphasized the idea that everything seems like it's fine. We're not changing anything by doing what we do. Day by day, it feels okay. But in reality, we're destroying the way things are, making life shorter. I don't know if I made any sense at all. Ha, ha. And it's also the mix of current reality with what will be. Very nice.

The only part I think could be improved was the ending. It didn't impact me the way I thought it would. I loved the first line of it, but it was that second line that got to point, but not necessarily in a thought-provoking way.

Really loved this one, though. Thanks for sharing.

Bay

Thanks, Bay. My last line was really about poking fun at myself. But i'm very glad that you enjoyed the rest!
Laurie

I am fan of you and your works, Laurie. I truly am. And after a poem like this, I can't say my adoration is unjustified. The way you painted the images of the seasons, the way you worded the transitions was simply enthralling.

A few specifics:

lop eared rabbit,

A dash between "lop" and "eared," perhaps? I know this is a small, almost mundane, suggestion, but I do believe it makes the flow go more smoothly, or at least when I read it.

Sky, now an antiseptic blue,
is like a bottle of gin
sweating Juniper Berry poison
on our skin.

The rhythm here was simply spot-on. I cannot explain it, but the flow was very fluid, very graceful, so to speak.

As I write, as I do,
fall is hiding beneath a leaf.

The clincher. A brilliant set of parting words.

Once again, a grand piece of work. Very, very well done.

Laurie,

You always do write with great imagery and mind altering stanzas.

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

while summer percolates.

　

sounds very familiar. The word percolate, something I used in a recent poem.
Now that my coffee has percolated, I will enjoy it, along with reading more of your poetry.

Cindy

Fuhrer, as I admire your work, I guess we have a mutal fan club! Thank you for your comments. And I think that dash will do.

Cindy, "mind altering stanzas." What a fabulous compliment! A first. Your action word "perclulate" - I just had to reform it in different context to enrichen my poem. Thank you. You may borrow a word of mine anytime!

Enjoy your coffee. A Starbuck's brand? smile

You created some beautiful images of summer; too bad it's summer now in Florida and I don't have A/c in my car. That being said, this poem made me think fondly of heat for a few seconds. ^_^