Thread: my resignation (strong language)

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dang it, i forgot to add (strong language) to the title, and the edit feature won't let me alter the title line. can a mod fix that?

Done.

Fantastic introduction of a persona in the opening lines. Strong voice from the begging. The poem's flow, as with; stream of thought, line length and meter; provide for a nice tempo throughout the piece. Pleasantly chaotic in imagery and sense states. ie, perceptions, thought processes. Instances of place are introduced well, and developed in sometimes chaotic, sometimes associative ways, but regardless, leads the reader to the finale, within short order. Well read poem.

"thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-
thunk-thunk my shopping cart masturbates in public"

That line was the closest I've ever been in real life to actually laughing out loud to something on the internet. Quite a creative little couplet there.

I like this a lot. I think your voice is so powerful and you hold nothing back. It is honest, and it adds to the lasting effect of the piece. Nice work.

I really like your poem. The imagery is in a style that I don't typically like but sometimes I feel like that after work so I felt like I connected with it. Good job! Keep writing.

wood, I have no words. Except these four: awesome job, as always.

hawke, good deal, thank you very much.

everyone, thank you, thanks for the glowing reviews, means a lot to me.

i was hoping for some crits on this... any crits at all

Originally Posted by wood

i was hoping for some crits on this... any crits at all

I tried... I really did! Honestly, I sat there for like fifteen minutes trying to think of something useful to say, but the thing is, I think your skill is beyond me and mine. However, I will come back to it, maybe tonight or tomorrow, and see if I can't come up with something.

EDIT: Ooh, I have an idea. Is there any bit in the poem that you're not happy with? Anything specific you'd like someone to comment on? That might help.

That, or just accept the fact that you're good, haha.

As promised!

Originally Posted by wood

buy me a sweatshirt with the word “staff” written
in big white letters across the chest and back

(ok, why for?)

Any particular reason you used the word "why" instead of "what"?

i’m blocking all downtown midday heart-attack madness
for emergency yard sales

"Emergency yard sales"? I actually like it, because it's so random, but I have no idea what it means.

i declare this alley, these loose bricks, burnt newspapers
this pile of ford pinto an institution, i declare it sculpture

My favorite bit of the whole poem.

i’m joining miscellaneous counterculture revolutions
primetime freaks shows, i’m performing human folly

i’m giving blue ribbons for duct tape innovations
hosting poetry readings in tattoo parlors

My other favorite bit of the whole poem.

thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-
thunk-thunk my shopping cart masturbates in public

Maybe you don't need quite so many "thunks."

took a giant academic sized dump, flushed and it was gone

This reminds me of Bukowski. Did you get this idea from him? I only ask because I saw an interview with him on YouTube where he compared writing to taking a dump and how you need to flush it away (let it go, I assume he meant)... it was really weird, but classic him.

a wandering hazard, walking the earth without a guild
without a pepsi grin, a juicy ass to kiss, a walmart hand-job)

I've worked at Wal-Mart, actually, and it's a lot more like getting anally raped (ha, you probably think I'm kidding. I'm not).

Also, and this is probably just the gigantic nerd in me, but when you say "walking the earth without a guild" all I picture is a lone World of Warcraft player, and I'm not 100% sure that's what you were going for.

you won’t make any money writing unapproved literature
don’t expect us to take you seriously

That's for damn sure.

bite me
yours truly
staff

"Bite me" seems a little weak; I think a good hearty "fuck you" is what's needed here. Although that might be a bit predictable. Also, I think maybe it should read "yours truly/the staff." Don't ask me why; it's just a feeling.

Well, that's the best I could do! Hope some of that helps.

"your skill is beyond me and mine" i have to strongly disagree with that statement. i wouldn't be running back here every few days begging for crits if that were true.

thanks for the feedback, very helpful. "Anything specific you'd like someone to comment on?" yes, but i don't like to ask because i don't want affect or alter a response. but you did answer some of them, so thank you.

i'm familar with world of warcraft, but i've never played it, so i don't understand what it might be referring to (?). i don't like that line anymore, most likely i will cut it anyway. i like bukowski, but he's not a favorate, but i like that quote =), thanks again bachalorette, this has been a great help.

I saw you wanted critiques, and I love doing that. To keep my thoughts accurate, I'll write them out before I read what others have suggested below.

First thought, before we get started: I might enjoy it if the title was "My Resignation from _____(whatever your job is here)_____"

Originally Posted by wood

buy me a sweatshirt with the word “staff” written
in big white letters across the chest and back - Ha, I have one of those from when I lifeguarded!

(ok, why for?) - This sounds awkward to my ears. I would prefer either "why" "for what" or "what for." If you have to be weird, then I suggest "wherefore."

i’ll wear it to the zoo, the department of revenue
the health club, the museum of natural history

i’m cutting random wires, rewriting map legends
offering third opinions with freelance daredevil authority

(i was there when they invented slam dancing
i know how to give and receive love)

i’m blocking all downtown midday heart-attack madness
for emergency yard sales - this couplet doesn't mean much to me. It makes me picture a traffic jam, and I like the chaos, but something more tangible that I can more fully imagine would be nice.

i declare this alley, these loose bricks, burnt newspapers
this pile of ford pinto an institution, i declare it sculpture - not sure why it's a "pile" of ford pinto, or why ford pinto isn't capitalized. Though now that I think about it, nothing is capitalized. Still...

today’s special: with every coffee purchase get a free cup - this is part of a list -- you're avoiding end-line punctuation, but maybe you want one here?
napkin, donut, and surprise bitch-slap - indeed!

(thank you have a nice day please come again) - it flows better in my head without the please.

i’m joining miscellaneous counterculture revolutions - to be VERY picky, miscellaneous doesn't do much for me here.
primetime freaks shows, i’m performing human folly

i’m giving blue ribbons for duct tape innovations
hosting poetry readings in tattoo parlors

thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-
thunk-thunk my shopping cart masturbates in public - bravo, sir.

(i lost my label, my brand name, my reference number
took a giant academic sized dump, flushed and it was gone

i’m existing without permission
a wandering hazard, walking the earth without a guild - guild or guide? If guild, then I prefer "clan." Though I suppose guild is more related to jobs, isn't it?
without a pepsi grin, a juicy ass to kiss, a walmart hand-job)

all these towers of high standards, all these glass monsters
looking down, scolding me:

you can’t bend spoons with your eyeballs
can’t play piano with a baseball bat
wear your hat as you please (inside or out)
you can’t bitch-slap your customers
you won’t make any money writing unapproved literature
don’t expect us to take you seriously

bite me
yours truly
staff

I'm a fan of capitalization and punctuation, but I think your poem works decently well without either. The ford pinto thing and the comma thing are still weird, though.

I also approve of the chaos of your poem, though I would suggest one modification. Because it comes first and is job related, I think the sweatshirt with staff on it is more important than most of the rest of the images. In which case, I really think it should be mentioned once again at the end of the poem to tie everything together.

All in all, a very enjoyable read! Thanks!

thank you very much sir, very helpful. "why for" is kind of a vernacular thing, but local, so it may not translate well outside. i can fix that. " I really think it should be mentioned once again at the end of the poem to tie everything together." mmm, i signed the letter "yours truly, staff", not sure if more of that image is needed or not, but curtainly worth thinking about. thanks again for taking the time and effort, much appreciated.

Originally Posted by wood

"your skill is beyond me and mine" i have to strongly disagree with that statement. i wouldn't be running back here every few days begging for crits if that were true.

Ha, well, I'm also here for the crits, so...

i'm familar with world of warcraft, but i've never played it, so i don't understand what it might be referring to (?).

I've never played it either, but I think that when a bunch of players who are friends get together to do "raids" they have to join a "guild" to show that they're part of that group. Or something. I'm only dimly aware of the terminology because I'm a Penny Arcade fan.

i like bukowski, but he's not a favorate, but i like that quote =),

Yeah, there is a ring of truth to what he said, isn't there, haha. I'm actually a big fan of his poetry because he's so purposely not "poetic", and I often feel that my own writing lacks that "poetic" quality. In fact, until I read him, I was going to quit poetry altogether. But then I read his poem "Nirvana" (well, heard Tom Waits read it) and I thought, "Oh, so that can be poetry, too? Maybe there's hope!" So, yeah, the old guy's kind of special to me. <3

[/tangent]

Originally Posted by wood

buy me a sweatshirt with the word “staff” written
in big white letters across the chest and back

(ok, why for?) I am wondering the same about this line.

i’ll wear it to the zoo, the department of revenue
the health club, the museum of natural history Interesting idea; the internalization of ones job. It follows a person like a shadow. Good rhythm.

i’m cutting random wires, rewriting map legends
offering third opinions with freelance (omit) daredevil authority The tone of the stanza already implies a fierce sense of individuality. "Freelance" also disrupts the flow.

(i was there when they invented slam dancing
i know how to give and receive love)

i’m blocking all downtown midday heart-attack madness A good idea...
for emergency yard sales squandered. The connection between this line and the above line is imo tenuous.

i declare this alley, these loose bricks, burnt newspapers
this pile of ford pinto an institution, i declare it sculpture Excellent.

today’s special: with every coffee purchase get a free cup
napkin, donut, and surprise bitch-slap The snarky attitude of hipper-than-thou baristas.

(thank you have a nice day please come again) Sarcastic contrast.

i’m joining miscellaneous counterculture revolutions
primetime freaks shows, i’m performing human folly My favorite stanza of the whole poem. Perfect.

i’m giving blue ribbons for duct tape innovations Another good line. Improvisation has (often overlooked) merit.
hosting poetry readings in tattoo parlors Evocative.

thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-
thunk-thunk my shopping cart masturbates in public I laughed.

(i lost my label, my brand name, my reference number
took a giant academic sized dump, flushed and it was gone

i’m existing without permission Wonderful flow and attitude.
a wandering hazard, walking the earth without a guild Another reference to occupation as identity. The subject got rid of his job and by proxy his groundedness. You make him sound like an ascetic.
without a pepsi grin, a juicy ass to kiss, a walmart hand-job)

all these towers of high standards, all these glass monsters/monstrosities Nice.
looking down, scolding me:

you can’t bend spoons with your eyeballs
can’t play piano with a baseball bat I laughed.
wear your hat as you please (inside or out) This line falls flat.
you can’t bitch-slap your customers Contradicts an earlier line.
you won’t make any money writing unapproved literature
don’t expect us to take you seriously

bite me
yours truly
staff

I couldn't help but compare this to something off Aesop Rock's Labor Days. It uses the same swirling stream of consciousness style; even the flow is uncannily similar. Subject material too. The poem seems like it was written to be read aloud. I dig the fact that the poem is abstract but clear enough in places to allow the reader a window into your motivations for writing it. Some of the images are strikingly unique. Fun read.