Thread: so what

my heart is broken today, but so what. a man did it; yeah, but so what. not my man. i
have no man. but still, my heart is broken today. a man to whom my sister entrusted care
of herself, has broken her heart, and in breaking it, he has broken mine as well. so what.
he took her naïveté and broke it in two, he took her heart and broke it in two million. my
broken heart bleeds for her (but so what); it breaks again and again, each time i think of
them: him yelling and blaming, her crying and cringing. the doctors say he is sick (so
what); i say he is weak from pride; now what? for eight years she was silent, as people
praised him in her shattered ears. now she packs a bag, now she hides her precious things.
she lives all day where the sun doesn’t shine, where it cannot reach her if it could. he loves
his anger more than her. he loves his fear more than his god. he fears his pain more than
his god. he wants to hurt her how he was hurt; he thinks that is fair; he thinks, so what. he
is a device set to cause pain; she is a device set to receive it. i am a device set to spit out
words that amount to nothing, nothing but so what. i want to hold her whole again, i want
to sing her soft again. she has become hard, and it’s so, so hard. my heart is broken today.
so what.

PLEASE NOTE: NEWER VERSION NEAR BOTTOM OF THREAD!!

This was brutal to read...because of the subject matter...wow...I feel like I have been punched in the gut by an iron fist,clothed in a velvet glove.Very powerful emotions so cleverly portrayed here.You wield a vicious pen.well done! One question---why the "so what" ? is it because you feel helpless---or do you feel that no one cares about the plight of your sister? I know YOU care--because you open this poem with "My heart is broken". Thank you so much for posting this. Peace...Jul

I agree. This is a very powerful piece. I thought, after reading the opening statement, that it would be drowned in sentimentality and that, perhaps, you might be too close to the subject matter, but I think you proved me wrong. And you do that because you create progression in the piece, and because you don't focus on you. Your focus is on the culprit and the unraveling of details about him is what makes this work. That is a clever way to go about it.

My thoughts:

First of all, this probably should be in the prose poetry section. That said, I think, after some time has passed, you would be wise to come back to this and reflect on it with some distance. When you do that, I think you might have a very strong poem that is not as prosy as this is.

"where the sun don’t shine" - my only real nit. I realize what you're saying here, but it is awfully cliche and, I think, it didn't fit with the rest of the language. The piece wasn't so - I don't know - colloquial? I think you should rephrase.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

First of all, this probably should be in the prose poetry section.

Yeah, you're right. Here is my litany of excuses:

1. Most of the poems in that subforum aren't even prose poems, so I figured it didn't really matter.
2. I'm open to the idea of maybe breaking it up a bit - MAYBE. If I did that, it would no longer be prose, of course, and therefore would no longer belong in that forum.
3. That forum doesn't get much traffic, I've noticed, and I really need to know if I've done this successfully, for obvious reasons, so the more of you fine people who comment, the better.

As to your nit, you are absolutely right. I will change it to "doesn't" for now until I can come up with something better.

Thank you both for commenting. Firemajic, I will officially answer your question here and say that yes, the "so what" means that I feel powerless to help. Glass, I know the beginning isn't as strong as it could be and that it does start off very cliche, but I'm glad you think I went about it the right way, in general at least. Thank you both, again, so much for your thoughts.

I wouldn't say it isn't powerful or it doesn't work - I just meant that I figured I knew where you were going, and I thought it would dissolve into a "my heart has been broken" sentimental wash. That's no fault of your writing - just years and years of reading bad breakup poems. You did not go in that direction though, which is great.

You're right about the subforums - it seems they don't get enough traffic. There's got to be a way to fix that...

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

I wouldn't say it isn't powerful or it doesn't work - I just meant that I figured I knew where you were going, and I thought it would dissolve into a "my heart has been broken" sentimental wash. That's no fault of your writing - just years and years of reading bad breakup poems. You did not go in that direction though, which is great.

Ah, I see. So my misdirection was a success! That makes me happy. Thanks. Sorry I misunderstood.

You're right about the subforums - it seems they don't get enough traffic. There's got to be a way to fix that...

Yeah, I'm just as bad about visiting them. There is always so much to comment on on the main page that I tend to forget about them. I'm trying to remember to check them out more often, though.

Heart-wrenching. It broke my heart too (but so what?). I hope all gets well with you and your sister.

And yeah, this should be in the prose-poetry section, but I also agree that section gets less traffic. Hmm thinking about it.

Once again, very powerful piece. I connected with it extra because right now, I feel broken-hearted too.

A very powerful piece. I do feel like, however, this really would be more powerful if it wasn't in one big, block of a paragraph. I mean, I have no issues with prose poetry. I like it. But for this piece, there are so many broken thoughts. Mainly, the "so what" aspect. I feel like the impact of that motif could be emphasized in lines, line breaks, stanzas, etc. As it stands, it's hitting me. But I don't think it's hitting me quite hard enough (needs a little more muscle!).

I thought your repetition worked very nicely. I had a problem with the ending, though. I would've rather seen it end at "so, so hard." And if you HAD to have "so what" afterward, I think it would be okay. But I really feel like veering away from the repetition would increase the impact of the ending. It would set it apart from the rest of the piece.

Would love to read this in stanzas. Powerful work.

Bay

i rewote your poem (please don't be mad, lol) all i did was cut out some words that i thought were unnecessary or passive. this is just a suggestion. i liked all the "so what" lines, so i left them in. ignore the format, after i chopped up your beautiful poem i couldn't put it back together right (the mechanics of these forums is really weird) i like the prose format. ok:


my heart is broken today, but so what. a man did it; yeah, but so what. not my man. i
have no man. still, my heart is broken. a man my sister trusted broke her heart, and in breaking it, broke mine as well. so what.
he took her naïveté and broke it in two, he took her heart and broke it in two million. my heart bleeds for her (but so what). again and again, him yelling and blaming, her crying and cringing. doctors say he is sick (so
what); i say he is weak from pride; now what? eight years she was silent, as people
praised him in her shattered ears. now she packs a bag, now she hides her precious things.
she lives outside the sun, it cannot reach her. he loves
his anger more than her. he loves his fear more than his god. he fears his pain more than
his god. he wants to hurt her how he was hurt; he thinks that is fair; he thinks, so what. he
is a device set to cause pain; she is a device set to receive it. i am a device set to spit out
words that amount to nothing, nothing but so what. i want to hold her whole again, i want
to sing her soft again. she has become hard, and it’s so hard. my heart is broken today.
so what.


i really liked the repetition of "so what", not just for the demoralized and disregarded feel, but the way you used it as a pivot, very nice.

...as people praised..., this feels a little unresolved, who are these people, may not be important, maybe its just me.

anyway, i really like this. as far as format, i like it as prose, lines could work too, your choice. i enjoyed this very much

CP: Thank you; and I'm sorry to hear your heart's recently been broken as well. I've always hated that expression, but now that it's actually HAPPENED to me I finally see how appropriate it is. Funny, that.

Bay: Hm... I like the idea of ending it at "so, so hard." Nice and abrupt. Can't remember where I heard this, but some famous poet or critic once said that when you finish a poem you should always remove the last line because so many beginning poets tend to explain the whole thing in the last line of the poem rather than let the poem speak for itself. It's something I still have to do now and then.

As for breaking it, I'll let you in on a little secret. Generally, when I write a poem, I write it in paragraph form first, and only break it when it's done. I do have a reason for not breaking this one but I don't want to affect any future comments that may crop up, so in the meantime I will put it into stanzas and see if I like it. Thank you for your thoughtful comments! I definitely want this poem to be as muscled as possible, haha.

wood: Heh, don't worry, that kind of thing doesn't make me mad. I actually really like what you've done here. I posted that poem like three seconds after I wrote it, so it's in its rawest form, when I still tend to be unnecessarily wordy. I will take your edits into consideration for my next draft, so thank you for taking the time with it that you did.

my heart
is broken
today, but
so what.
a man did it;
yeah, but
so what.
not my
man. i have
no man.
still, my
heart is
broken
today.
a man
my sister
trusted has
broken her
heart, and in
breaking
it he has
broken
mine.
so what.

he took her
naïveté and
broke it
in two,
he took
her heart
and broke it
in two
million.
my broken
heart bleeds
for her (but
so what);
again
and again:
him yelling
and blaming,
her cringing
and crying.

doctors say
he's sick
(so what);
i say he’s
weak
from pride;
now what?
eight years
she was
silent, as
others
praised
him in her
shattered
ears.
now she
packs
a bag,
now she
hides her
precious
things.
she lives
so far
far from
the sun
she once
was.

he loves
his anger
more than
her. he
loves his
fear more
than his
god.
he fears
his pain
more than
his god.
he wants
to hurt her
how he
was hurt;
he thinks
that's fair;
he thinks,
so what.
he is a
device
set to
cause pain.
she is a
device
set to
receive it.

i am a
device
set to
spit out
words that
amount to
nothing,
nothing but
so what.
i want to
hold her
whole
again,
i want to
sing her
soft again.
she has
become
hard,
and it’s
so, so
hard.
_____________

Hm. Skinny poem is skinny...

Oh, so you went with syllabics? I think I prefer the longer lines. When I suggested rewriting it in smaller lines, I think I meant a new poem.