Thread: As God

I am falling in love with the short poem. Thank you Ezra, thank you Williams.


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EDIT BELOW IN THREAD!!!

"I am falling in love with the short poem. Thank you Ezra, thank you Williams."

i assume you're talking about ezra pound and william carlos williams, williams is one of my personal favorites.

hmm, i'm, going to have to give this some thought... i will be back.

wood

Hi SG,

Totally with you on Pound and Williams – they have some beautiful imagistic shorts. The dashing through vales in your piece reminds me a bit actually of Pound’s ‘And life slips by like a field mouse/ Not shaking the grass’. I want to like what you’re doing here, but if you’re going economy, I think you really need to hone in on sharp, precise images, make use of interesting verbs (water/watch/find/is/form/is... not particularly exciting; ‘dash’ is better), and take no prisoners when it comes to pruning extraneous words/detail to make every word pull its weight.

The lines which don’t quite work for me:

‘atop chinked clay’ – might just be the clunky ‘atop’, but this feels too awkward, even with the nice sounds. Also not sure of the relevance.

‘Watch the liquid drip’ – I see what you’re going for, contrasting this slow, close-up shot with the sudden movement of the next line. But again, it doesn’t make enough of an impact.

‘find vales to dash through’ – nice image, but awkward phrasing, and ‘find’ is a weak choice.

The shore and cities forming along the bank is okay. Again, the verbs and phrasing could be spiced up.

That might sound like I’ve an issue with every line, but it’s more that they feel a little pedestrian and I’m sure you could push yourself more. Bit radical, but something of the same effect is achieved with a massive haiku-esque cut:

As God

I water trees,
dash through vales.
Every day is a new world.

Perhaps not (just a somewhat crude example), but even just sharpening your images and cutting weak words like ‘the’, ‘and’, etc, where possible would be a good start. Oh and love the last line, quite powerful. More of that!

Best,
-R

I feel I must take issue with one point you made about language in the short piece. Elevated, more interesting words are not a necessity. Look at williams' "the red wheelbarrow". Simplistic adjectives and nouns have their place. That said, I very much appreciate the thoughtful critique. Thank you very much.

I don't know, I find the verb 'glazed' so evocative, as well as his use of colour. Simple is great, but I think the images must have a precision to them. Still, feel free to disregard anything I said, it's only one opinion at the end of the day.

Of course and do I know I appreciate the strong critique. Also - I noticed some confusion in your post about content. It's simply a moment where the water drips down into the dry ground and runs though the cracks. It looks like a satellite view of a river when you watch it.Once more, thank you for the care of your reply.

Just me, but I feel chinked is the wrong word, it has connotations of inadequate armour or incorrectly drawn curtains in Miss Marple's front parlour. I believe you need to be more specific than liquid, which could be anything from sulphuric acid to Veuve Cliquot. I am also unhappy with vale and would prefer the more straightforward valley. I also worry about the full stop (period) after clay as it turns the following line into an instruction: Watch the water drip when I feel that the sense of the poem is that as a matter of interest you, the poet, watch the water drip rather than someone else being told to. Apart from that I love it - I know that sounds daft, but I love what I see in it, even if it's not what you saw when you wrote it.

I feed the trees
above cracked clay,
watch the water drip

-- find valleys to dash through.

Now there is a shore
cities grow along the bank.
Every day the world is new.

Initially I had Cracked but felt it not strong enough. Good to know someone else thinks it fits. And I love your suggestion about the endstop. I debated whether or not to use it but I think youre right. Thanks!

Chinks are tiny, they are small, they let a little light through, this poem is bigger than that, this poem feels the heat of the sun that dried the earth, caused it to split in the first place. Fissured would probably be more accurate, but lacks sonic impact.

Thinking about it (in order to not think about the one I'm failing to work on), it may be better if there is just a singular tree:

I water the tree
above cracked clay,
watch the water drip

hi s.g.

i have to agree with the others regarding some of the wording, does feel a bit awkward. but mostly i think there is an issue regarding the relationships of all your elements. not sure if i know how to explain it. i feel a disconnect between "shore" "cities" "every day" and " new world". i know what you are saying, the chain reaction of watering trees, the synecdoche of god creating life, but i don't feel the power of those connections. you mentioned "the red wheelbarrow", and you're right, not a lot of extravagant wording, but the way all his elements connect to make the whole, is very fluid and creates a strong understanding. i think you need to get more control of the elements in this. sorry i can't explain better. i do like the idea of it though.

wood

wood - your opinion valued, as always. But I think everyone reads too deeply into these words. There's really nothing here. Just a moment, just the way something looks. I think you're right - there isn't too much connection going on, but I don't think I want one (:

Bloggsworth - I went back and forth on "valleys" and "vales". I think I just like one syllable better. As for the trees, I figured I'd just keep it as it was when it happened.
"but I love what I see in it" That's the ticket!

I've edited per some suggestions. I know some might clamor about the added "and" (I would!) but I think it's necessary for clarity. It's the only "and" in the piece so I think I'm justified (: I've tried to do what I can with this, but I really don't know how else to tweak without messing the moment up. Of course, suggestions are still valuable. Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment!

Wonderful edit---This says just enough....Hopefully you will be encouraged to write more of these little gems. Peace...Jul

Hey SG - excellent rewrite. I too am quite fond of the short poem.

Thank you both very much for the kind responses!

Hi, Glass. Not a great fan of Pound's "Imagism" (being that I thrive on imagery) but I will say that you have mastered the tight, effective language. About the edit.

"I feed the tree" As opposed to "I water.." "feed" is rich, providing all possibilities. And there's something more personal about it.

"Cities will formalong the bank" is also a great improvement, running more off the tounge. The elmination of "And". Good. Was extranious.

My very humble take. A very good poem. Laurie