Thread: Frozen Fruit Juice

Keep your sundaes,
syrup, wafers, and all.
Keep your orange popsicle.
Keep your ice cream sandwich,
your swirly vanilla cone.

For I've got something better.
One-hundred-percent fruit juice
is waiting for me at home.
And my icy slurping will be healthier than yours
even though I'll slurp alone.

♫Interlude♫

Summer's heat... sweat is running down me
as I climb the black concrete.
Anger's good 'cause it stops self-doubt
but something cold in nature's what I need.

I know only too well
what I should and shouldn't eat.
But just like love, it doesn't have to be wrong,
To be utterly delicious and sweet.

Now I'm by myself no more,
no longer, like you, a sadly bloated casualty...

So keep your Italian gelato,
your sorbets and your cloudlike scoops.
Go ahead. Eat. Play. It's a beautiful day.
But all I need is frozen fruit juice.

New and improved version:

Keep your sundaes,
syrup, wafers, and all.
Keep your orange popsicle.
Keep your ice cream sandwich,
your swirly vanilla cone.

For I've got something better.
One-hundred-percent fruit juice
is waiting at home.
And my icy slurping will be healthier than yours
even though I'll slurp alone.

♫Interlude♫

Summer's heat: sweat is running down me
as I climb the black concrete.
Anger's good 'cause it stops self-doubt
but something colder's what I need.

Through breakouts of acne and agonizing guilt
I know what I should and shouldn't eat.
But just like love, it doesn't have to be wrong
To be utterly delicious and sweet.

Now I'm by myself no more,
no longer, like you, a sadly bloated casualty...

So keep your Italian gelato,
your sorbets and your cloudlike scoops.
Go ahead. Munch your chocolate chip cookie dough.
But all I'll have is frozen fruit juice.

This is charming and oh so encouraging. I think it just needs a few cuts here and there. Thank you so much for sharing. Here are some thoughts:

Originally Posted by Trides

Keep your sundaes,
syrup, wafers, and all.
Keep your orange popsicle. I love the impact of this line directly after the list of the first two.
Keep your ice cream sandwich,
your swirly vanilla cone.

For I've got something better.
One-hundred-percent fruit juice
is waiting for me at home. Maybe "waits for me at home"
And my icy slurping will be healthier than yours
even though I'll slurp alone. Cone, home, alone. Strong rhymes to start off.

♫Interlude♫ I say drop this. It's distracting. I say if you want a separation, then perhaps label stanza one I and stanza two II. Or maybe it's just the music notes that are distracting me. Too cutesy.

Summer's heat... sweat is running down me The ellipses... haha. Not sure, maybe change to a dash.
as I climb the black concrete. Powerful line - sets the image perfect in my mind.
Anger's good 'cause it stops self-doubt
but something cold in nature's what I need. The altered syntax of this line feels a bit out of place.

I know only too well
what I should and shouldn't eat.
But just like love, it doesn't have to be wrong, Strong!
To be utterly delicious and sweet. I think lose the "and" and just separate with a comma.

Now I'm by myself no more,
no longer, like you, a sadly bloated casualty... Again, I think you can lose the ellipsis. Ellipses are only supposed to be used when there is something more that is said but that isn't transcribed. I don't think that's the case here.

So keep your Italian gelato,
your sorbets and your cloudlike scoops. Excellent.
Go ahead. Eat. Play. It's a beautiful day.
But all I need is frozen fruit juice. This line felt a little lackluster to me. Not sure why.

Ellipses has two L's.

Anyway, thank you for the suggestion on the ellipses. I'll have them surgically removed.

~

But you're going to pay for the procedure!

I inserted a few unnecessary words because I wanted it to sound more like a song. As an example of what I mean,

There's still a chance
There's a spark in you

Ignite the light
Let it shine
Own the night
Like the Fourth of July

would become

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

I shall keep some of your edits and not the others. I hope you understand.

Always! And I caught my mistake before you did, so HA!

Not all of them.

P.S. For shame, SG! Corrected by a slimy teenager!

Forgot I used the word in more than one place! And hush now - it wasn't long ago that I too was a slimy teenager. I'm young - I'm supposed to make mistakes. (: