Thread: Stock-still Shadows

Oy! Thoughts?


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Stock-still Shadows

This is excellent writing, the words flow very nicely, painting three engaging scenes - are the three connected, as in a form of narrative, or are they independent of each other?

One suggestion only: in portion (III.) consider changing the word "concrete" in "the plane loses all connection with concrete earth" - I realize what you mean here, that the earth is solid as opposed to the air the plane is now floating in - I also see the alliteration of connection and concrete - however, in a piece with such vivid images, I immediately thought of concrete, as in hardened cement, and I don't think you meant that the earth is concrete in that way.

Perhaps consider changing to something like "the plane loses all connection with the solid earth", or, more alliteratively, "the plane loses all relation with the round earth" - I'm brainstorming now, but these were just a thought.

Mainly, though, this piece was very well executed - great images:

Her words are raindrops
splashing onto leaves

Floating
in the vast, blue bubble,
I wait till all is clear to turn on my CD player
and fall asleep to music
and popped ears.

among others -

great work!
---todd

I really enjoyed reading this...It has a lonely feeling to it...as if the person is more of an observer and feels disconnected to everything. I have felt that way --almost invisible ...You create a lot of vivid images that last long after the reading of your poem. Peace...Jul

I like the way you capture a moment in time, very nice. I didn't have a problem with the concrete earth, as I assumed you were speaking of the runway, and found concrete to have a double meaning here. Funny how we each seem to connect the dots in a slightly different way, but that's what makes poetry so fascinating to me.

I agree that this is well-written and certainly captures each moment quite eloquently. And I actually sort of get this idea of moments fleeting without real purpose. How things just happen. If that's what you were going for, I think it's really working for. However, if you wanted there to be a real meaning in these moments, I'm not sure I'm connecting with it.

A couple things I would also look at:

She smiles slightly – a knowing smile –

This seemed a bit overstated to me.

but I keep my head down, look around
and mumble she should have the same.

I leave and curse my lack of courage.

I don't think these lines are quite strong enough. And the last line of the second stanza and first line of the third actually feel a bit redundant in tone and idea, even though you're not saying the same thing.

The room I am in is bitter.

I like "I am" because it's passive voice and adds to the idea of bitterness. However, I think it disrupts the flow here.

She is but a stranger now; one of the shadows
from my room.

Not sure about this line break. And the idea seems a bit disconnected to me. Strangers compared to the shadows of your room. The shadows are always there, so in a way, they aren't really strangers. Just a thought. But at the same time, I get the obscurity and the idea of the "unknown" there.

I really liked the rest, though. Nicely done.

Glass, your language, here, reads smoothly, tender with melancholy. Heart trending.. This is not to say that this piece is not “alive”! Your first stanza is brilliantly rich with multihued imagery.

I

The barista behind the bar,
with an orange butterfly above her breast,
slowly hands over my change.
Her yellow blouse lolls below her collarbone
and merges into the fabric of her hair
laying so gently over shoulders.

Ah…just the sound of “barista”. And the first line: alliteration works perfectly.

L2 - “Orange butterfly above her breast”

I get a breezy Mediterranean feel from this. I'm in love with it!

but I keep my head down, look around
and mumble she should have the same.

“She should have the same”. Needs more clarification. What is the same as his?

deep shadows between supple curves. Her eyes dimple
when she smiles at me; her cheeks
become clouds at dawn.

Exquisite and lush description!L - 4,5,6 -Very tactile! I can imagine the narrator touching her. (How he wishes he could!)
　
II

The room I am in is bitter.

I was stunned by this sentence. Very succinct, biting use of words. A brilliant moment!

Her words are raindrops
splashing onto leaves – serene
but without meaning.

When she hangs up, I try to return to sleep.
It is so difficult. Her memory
binds my bones in chains.

You convey the narrator’s distress or to go as far as a terrible loss. And the effect of who she once was, paralizing. What a way to describe a deep despondence. The shoulders of disappointment weighted down with the stuff of.

III

Floating
in the vast, blue bubble

I like “Floating” on its own. But I do not see “blue bubble” as an apt description of the sky. Too constricting. Maybe something like:

Floating,
above in the vast blue oceanic
where clouds are white tipped waves.

The plane gains height and moves forward
without restriction.

Here is the metaphor. Such a strong and maybe nearly contented narrator. “Moving forward without restriction.” A kind of affirmation. The girl no longer binding him. I celebrate him!

Glass, if you haven’t already I strongly suggest that you read the love poems of Pablo Neruda. Your first stanza reminded me very much of his work and then of course this theme.

http://www.poemhunter.com/pablo-neruda

A superb piece from beginning to end! Laurie
　
　

　
　

Todd - Thank you for the kind words! On concrete, I was hoping for the double meaning which Gumby pointed out. I actually initially had "solid" there, because I thought it fit the rhythm better, but I think I'm still on board with concrete. It's a toss up though, for sure.

Fire - Thank you! That is what I was going for. I'm glad it resonated for you.

Gumby - I agree. It's the different things we make of things that is so interesting.

Angel - Thank you so much for the strong critique. As far as connecting the three moments, I'd rather let people make what they will out of it, as Gumby was saying. But as I wrote it, I wanted to stress movement, or lack thereof. The third image, for me, is a time when the narrator was able to move forward. Obviously, during the first two, he is stock-still. But again, the reader taking my intended meaning is not something that is important to me. Each individual interpretation is most important because it means the poem has resonance with the individual reader. I value that greatly.

SM - I haven't read much Neruda, but I am enjoying this link very much! Thank you for the suggestion!

Each of your scenes are finely etched and easy to embrace, I love that about your stuff. I especially love S3 and S4 of II, some really original and brilliant writing. I have no nits. I've loosely connected the dots, but the age of 16 in III kinda ripped them back apart. I'd love to know what the connection is, SG, if not here, then by PM. I believe can feel it underneath and that I can't grasp it is driving me nuts. I can't tell you how I've studied it, lol. Wonderful work as always.

Best,
Lisa

I'm glad you enjoyed it, Lisa!

If I may - the poem, to me, is backwards. Each stanza moves backwards in time. It's a poem about wishing you were in a place you used to be, mentally. The final image is an image of movement. The first two stanzas are still. The narrator has been frozen over time and can no longer move. That was the connection for me. I'm glad you enjoyed the mystery!