Thread: Cloud Life

Have you ever wished you were
like clouds above the sky,
no more worrying what troubles
in tomorrow lie?

Our task'll only be
to freely float up high,
swept away by the flow
of the thermals below
our soft, fluffy bellies

We will no longer be
bothered by boring work
or trifled with tedious studies.
All we'll do is wander
for all the remainder
of our short lives.

It may sound a bit mundane
but cloud life isn't as insane
as the life we have everyday,
where we are stressed,
pressed and compressed
to our very cores,
strayed forcefully by the furious
demands of society's
expectations.

Cloud life also lacks
the drama and angst attacks
that this life has to offer.
No more pain, no more hurt,
we shall no longer be bitter;
we'll just become drifters
above the blue yonder.

How I wish I could be
like clouds above the sky.
I'll have a life that's trouble-free
and never look behind.

I don't often suggest this, but this piece, which expresses a simple idea everyone can relate to, would be better if the rhyme and structure of the first stanza was continued throughout. That might give it buoyancy and charm and so lift it from the fairly muddled wistfulness where it currently resides.

I think I agree with J.R. I also think this can be trimmed in places. There is a lot of exposition that I think could either be replaced with images or cut out entirely.

I also agree with J.R. about this one. That was actually my first thought. I read the first stanza and I sort of already had this idea of how the poem was supposed to flow, but then it didn't go that way. And sometimes throwing your reader off is a good thing, but giving the simple, sweet idea here, I think it'd be more beneficial to create a balanced flow and move your readers along (like they're clouds!).

And I also agree with SG that it could be trimmed again. The rhythm faltered in a couple places. For example:

to our very cores,
strayed forcefully by the furious

We're moving along okay throughout this stanza and then we get here and it sort of throws it off.

As far as the exposition goes, I didn't really mind it, but I do agree that it could be cut down a bit. There are some things where readers can really fill in the blanks for themselves.

But I think the idea here is nice. A good thing to think about. Thanks for sharing.

I don't agree with some of the discussion above. The first stanza if complete and seems okay to me. Seeing as how the second stanza has 5 lines sets a tone let things are going to be different.The 2nd stanza was rich with intuitive images of what it may be like being a cloud. My only sugess. in the 2nd stanza would be to add a dash or something similar to queue reader that more is coming. In the 4th stanza I liked the comparison between cloud live and human live. Strong sense of anthropomorphism, and personification, projecting an ideal. The final two st. end the piece well. Gives food for thought. One other sugess. consider using beyond as the final word. Because st. above has yonder as the final word, using beyond you create an associated, or an association with the st above. At least in my mind they relate to a similar idea. Going over yonder, it's kind of going beyond, where no man has gone before, even. An elegant poem on all accounts. I'll read it again.

jeffrey

Hey, look who we have here. What's up Fuhrer? Long time no see (or maybe that's me). This piece reminds me of a similiar poem, though by an African poet. Here you've just done the same, evoking that unchained harmony we all crave for. I love the contrast of cloud life to human life.

Well, I am thinking of this as more of a free-verse so wouldn't suggest you do otherwise. Well-penned.

This has such a wistful , longing feeling to it, I loved this delicate poem. Peace...Jul

Thanks for all the feedback. I wrote this out of whim and well, my somber mood took over. This was a bit of a rant, so pardon if it was a bit annoying.

@ JR: I'm not sure I could restructure. I'm not good at deconstructing already finished poems. But I will try.

@ Squalid: Will definitely reconsider cutting the rant part. In retrospect, it does look a bit straying away.

@ Jeffrey: Thank you for the kind words. They are greatly appreciated.

Once again, my sincerest thanks to all your words. ^_^

Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02

This was a bit of a rant, so pardon if it was a bit annoying.

Don't sell yourself short, Fuhrer, it wasn't annoying at all. I liked the poem, how we all wish we could be trouble-free.
Loved the phrase blue yonder ​in the second-last stanza.

Nice work.